


Daemonium

by yasminkhxns



Category: Doctor Who & Related Fandoms, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Angst, Blood and Violence, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Literally so much angst, Slow Burn, Smut, Violence, Whump, yaz sweetie im so sorry, yaz!whump
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-06
Updated: 2020-06-12
Packaged: 2021-02-27 15:28:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 19
Words: 50,205
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22149433
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yasminkhxns/pseuds/yasminkhxns
Summary: When a deafening klaxon blares and deep blue doors slam shut in her face, Yaz’s whole universe changes in the blink of an eye.She’ll come back — won’t she?
Relationships: The Doctor/Yasmin Khan, Thirteenth Doctor & Yasmin Khan, Thirteenth Doctor & Yasmin Khan & Graham O'Brien & Ryan Sinclair, Thirteenth Doctor/Yasmin Khan, Yasmin Khan & Graham O'Brien, Yasmin Khan & Ryan Sinclair
Comments: 616
Kudos: 399





	1. I promise, one day I'll come back for you

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! welcome to my first ever big multi chapter! This is about three quarters written so i think i'll probably be updating once a week, twice if I get excited haha! 
> 
> I've been working on this for a little bit and I'm really excited for it so I really hope you guys enjoy it!!
> 
> Also this fic is quite Yaz centric because I love her so much and wanted to give her a beefy story (thirteen is still very important to the story tho so don't worry!!) 
> 
> And finally I just want to say a BIG BIG thank you to @timelxdy for beta-ing she's been an absolute star helping me with this!!

“Come on gang!” the Doctor called out, gesturing for her fam to keep up as they made their way out of the alien village and back to the TARDIS, the blue box soon coming into sight. “The next place I want to take you all is brilliant. They’ve got what to you lot would be domesticated dinosaurs _—_ that you can ride! Perfectly safe, I promise.” she assured, the last bit directed more towards Graham who was already giving her a questioning glance.

“I’ll take your word for it, Doc.” he remarked, stepping into the TARDIS. 

Yaz hung back a little, still listening to the conversation, but taking a moment to absorb the view. The small area of the planet they had visited was beautiful, the unique greenery that surrounded the village unlike anything Yaz thought she would ever see. The trees towered over the village, branches stretching out to the sky like they were reaching up to pluck the suns out of the sky. The leaves that clung to the branches were an array of colours, ranging from greens to purples to blues of all different hues. The leaves that had fallen and scattered on the ground almost made painting after painting as they crunched underneath Yaz’s feet, mixing with the variety of flowers and plants, their petals dusting the ground as the breeze blew them away from their stalks. After making the most of the scenery before her, Yaz set her focus back on the TARDIS, watching as Ryan and the Doctor stepped inside. She was only a few strides away herself when a klaxon blared from inside the ship, the doors slamming shut in her face as the blue box dematerialised into nothing. 

Yaz froze, eyes wide as her brain caught up with the fact that  _ the TARDIS had just disappeared on her _ . Yaz sucked in a shaky breath before she finally managed to pry a foot from where it felt glued to the ground with inherent fear. She took a step forward, reaching out tentatively, only for her hand to grasp at nothing but thin air, fingers wisping over a phantom of the blue box. 

“Doctor?!” Yaz called out into the emptiness, her voice rolling over the barren hill as she listened out for the sound of the TARDIS landing near, yet all she was left with was deathly quiet. She checked the watch on her wrist, timing how long the box had been gone for as she jogged forward, scanning the hill for any signs of her friends. 

“Doctor?!” Yaz cried again, uncaring of how pointless it was, panic starting to set rigid in her bones. 

When she next checked her watch, it had been fifteen minutes since the TARDIS left without her. 

Yaz stood, and she waited, her stomach dropping further and further with every passing minute. Minutes, which turned to an hour. An hour which turned into multiple, leaving her stood in the dark, without the TARDIS, without Ryan and Graham. Without the Doctor. 

After admitting to herself and the stars in the sky that the Doctor might not be back for a while _—_ _ but she  _ **_would_ ** _ come back —  _ Yaz tried not to let the fear of being left behind consume her thoughts as she walked back into the village. The main street was quiet, the side ones quieter still _—_ barely anyone still lurking around. It was late, and the aliens that  _ were _ still out stared as she walked through the streets, though in reality, Yaz was well aware  _ she  _ was the alien now. She felt uncomfortable without the Doctor’s calming presence, their hands moulded together in a grip of reassurance and safety. 

Yaz spotted one villager making their way along the main street, though they didn’t look particularly friendly, but it wasn’t like she had any other option with the streets now bare apart from the two of them. So Yaz nervously made her way over as she called out to them in the friendliest tone she could muster. “Excuse me, sorry, you haven’t seen anyone called the Doctor have you? Usually comes out of a big blue box? Two other people that look like me with her?”

The alien looked panicked for a brief moment when she called out, but quickly calmed at Yaz’s explanation, their expression shifting to amusement as they answered in an almost mocking tone. “Are you alright in the head girl? No one around here has ever seen anything like  _ that _ .”

Yaz inwardly chastised herself, realising how ridiculous her explanation sounded. She probably did seem a bit mad. “No, I’m fine. Sorry to have bothered you.” 

The alien raised a bright blue eyebrow as they grimaced. “Ok?”

Yaz walked away, deciding the best option was to make her way back to the hill where the TARDIS had left her when she didn’t see anymore aliens or her friends. When she reached the spot where the TARDIS had once stood, Yaz sat herself down on the yellow tinted grass, plucking blades out of the ground in nervous anticipation. The night soon crept over her, a cool wind wrapping around her in a harsh blanket, forcing a shiver to wrack through her body and jolt her awake, no matter how hard her eyes tried to slide shut. Yaz eventually fell into a light and restless slumber, waking in the early hours of the morning, the sun peaking over the horizon and bathing her in an orange glow as her eyes slowly flickered open.

She shot up, legs unsteady as she stumbled forward, spinning around in search of the blue box she so desperately wanted to appear, only to find empty hills and a waking village at the bottom of it. 

Yaz’s whole body vibrated with panic, her heart racing in her chest as the desolate hill mocked her with its emptiness, the wind still blowing around her, laughing at her loneliness as her eyes grew damp. 

Yaz took a few deep breaths, forcing herself to calm down, a palm on her chest as she counted her inhales and exhales.

“Come on, Yaz.” she spoke to herself as she swallowed her nerves. “The Doctor won’t leave you, it’s not even been a full day. She’ll come…” she breathed out. “She’ll come.”


	2. Is there anybody out there?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so i'm posting this update today because next week i'm gonna be super busy with a big uni project and i don't need the distraction of uploading a fic during that week because this project is really important! So there won't be an update this Tuesday coming i'm afraid but this fic will be back the following Tuesday with an update!!
> 
> and of course thank u to my amazing beta @timelxdy xx

Just as the Doctor made it to the console, the cloister bell blared throughout the TARDIS, ricocheting off the walls and forcing Graham and Ryan to cover their ears as the doors of the ship slammed shut. The TARDIS wheezed and groaned as it took off, the sounds juddering in and out of its usual rhythm, the unexpected movement throwing all three occupants to the ground. 

The Doctor’s head smacked off the floor, leaving her vision blurry and head fuzzy for a moment before she managed to right herself with a grip on the console. “Woah! What’s going on?! What’s with the emergency take off?!” 

“Doc? What’s happening?!” Graham called out as he clung to a crystalline pillar with white knuckles. 

“I don’t know, she’s just took off by herself and I don’t know why.” the Doctor shifted around the console, pressing buttons and flicking switches before tugging on a lever, “Let me just try and–” the TARDIS jerked and practically screamed _no_ at the Doctor’s attempt to land, throwing the Time Lord back down on the ground with a grunt. “I don’t understand!” the Doctor yelled over the ringing of the bell and whirring of the TARDIS.

Managing to clamber back to the console, the Doctor sent them back into the time vortex, leaving them to drift a safe distance from Thibiea-7 before slumping against the engineered metal. The TARDIS warmed up under her hands and the Doctor gave the console a light pat and a reassurance in her mind. 

“Doctor?” Ryan called as he slowly pulled himself off the ground. “What just happened?” 

“I have no idea. That was was really weird.” she scratched her head in confusion, her other hand resting on her hip. “Everyone ok though? Ryan?” he nodded. “Graham?”

“I will be.” he partly joked.

“Yaz?” the Doctor scanned the room, then scanned it again, and again –– something cold suddenly setting hard and heavy in her gut. “Yaz?” she called again, a slight tremble in her voice. “Yaz?!” she took note of how the boys also glanced around the console room, a slight panic glistening in their eyes. “Where’s Yaz?!” her gaze flicked between her two companions who looked just as clueless as she felt. 

* * *

It had been a week. A _whole_ week and the Doctor still hadn’t come back for her. A week spent bothering locals with her questions and looking like a crazy person for asking if anyone had _seen a Doctor with a blue box that disappears._ Yaz had gotten absolutely nowhere, and the funny looks the villagers were throwing her were becoming harder and harder to ignore. She was disturbing their peace, their normalcy, she knew that. Yet she couldn’t _not_ try and get back to her friends _—_ wherever they were. 

She’d managed to find a place to sleep while she waited, having trekked through the forest surrounding the village the day after the TARDIS left her behind. She’d come across a small cave carved into the side of a mountain and set up camp until her friends came back for her _—_ _which they would._ She had to hold onto that thought, the hope that came with it as each day without the Doctor, Ryan and Graham slowly passed by. She’d even started to mark a tally on the cave walls so she didn’t lose track of the days, even stealing food from the market because she had no money and they wouldn’t spare her a single scrap. 

_Two_ weeks in and she was becoming a pest to the village. She’d even overheard whispers of the villagers talking about going to what she assumed was their version of a government. It meant Yaz had become more careful, wary of the questions she asked, _who_ she asked, _when_ she asked. 

When it hit a _month_ with no sign of the Doctor, that’s when the anger started to seep in. Yaz didn’t mean to let it through, her knuckles against the cave wall taking the brunt of it when the shattering thought of _—_ _had the Doctor really just abandoned her? —_ came to mind. She refused to let her mind fall to such places and hurry to such assumptions. The Doctor would _never_ leave her, Yaz knew that, something must have gone wrong, it _must_ have. Yet a part of her deep down inside feared the worst, and that was the part where her anger hid, where it festered and twisted and tried to seep through any cracks Yaz may have left unsealed.

So to stop if from breaking through, Yaz stole more than just food. She sat down in what she had dubbed her _temporary home_ , her back leant against the cold wall of the cave, knees tucked up as she rested parchment against her legs, using the alien version of a pen that she’d stolen to write. 

> _‘Day 34._
> 
> _I have to stay positive. The Doctor’s going to come back for me and I know that. She’ll be here soon, I know she will. She cares for me. She made that clear the night before all this happened. The Doctor, Ryan, Graham, they’re going to find me, I’m confident in that, and I’m confident that it won’t be much longer._
> 
> _I’m not entirely sure what happened but it can’t be that impossible to get back here, right?_
> 
> _Y.’_

Yaz folded the parchment and tucked it under a rock in the corner of the cave. It was getting dark, and her stomach rumbled but she’d already stolen from the market once today, something she already felt guilty enough about. She couldn’t do it again. Tonight she’d just go hungry, and try not to worry about her thinning reflection when she looked into the lake nearby. 

_Two_ months. _Two_ months and no TARDIS. No Doctor, no Ryan, and no Graham. The lines on the wall grew unlike Yaz’s form, which had shrunk considerably. She was gaunt, and dirty and constantly exhausted. She’d stolen from the market one too many times, no longer welcome in the village, a menace to its residents.

In recent days she’d managed to get close enough to hear that people were out looking for her. She had to be careful and _pray_ that her friends would come for her soon. Yet, when Yaz stepped out that evening, she wasn’t careful enough. She was heading toward the lake to drink and wash her face when the crack of a branch behind her sent her body stiff. It was the first time she’d heard anything other than herself so low on the mountain, sending nerves striking through her like a lightning bolt. 

Yaz stood stock still, and waited _—_ until she heard another footstep. Then she ran. Multiple footsteps pounded behind her as she weaved through the trees, thankful that her time trapped on the planet had given her time to learn a chunk of the forest. 

Scooping a fallen branch off the ground as she ran, Yaz ducked behind the twisting trunk of a tree as she threw the branch in the opposite direction, hoping it would work as a brief distraction while she caught her breath. Her lack of food was taking its toll, having barely kept up the sprint. She felt drained as she leant heavily against the tree, waiting another minute or so before finally making her move. She snuck through the forest, heading deeper and deeper, entering a part even she hadn’t been in before.

It was pitch dark now, the only light the moon that seeped through the cracks in the canopy. She took respite against another tree trunk, her knees wobbly as fatigue made her whole body feel double its weight, her head feeling fuzzy and her vision starting to blur.

Through bleary eyes, Yaz managed to make out a figure dressed in grey, her heavy head forcing her first thought to spill out her mouth. “Doctor?” she mumbled as the figure stepped forward and reached out to her neck where she felt something prick her skin. 

“Not quite.” the figure said as Yaz’s vision turned black and she hit the ground with a hard thud. 


	3. Can't hold me down, can't drown me out, 'cause I'll slip away slowly

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yo this is where it gets a bit more gory so be warned!
> 
> also thank u to everyone who wished me luck with my uni stuff, it went really well!! <3
> 
> and as always thank u @timelxdy for being my beta

When Yaz’s eyes fluttered open, it was to a sterile white ceiling, so bright that it forced her eyes back shut. She took a shaky breath in, breathing out with shiver as she felt the cold of the room envelope her. When she opened her eyes once more, she realised why. Looking down, Yaz was strapped to a table, wrists and ankles bound, stripped down to just her underwear. The cool air of the room prickled against her bare skin, and when she tugged at her binds, it was to no avail. 

The pit of nerves in Yaz’s stomach opened wide when she looked around the room to find unfamiliar machinery and utensils, swallowing any hope she had when the door to the room slid open and two aliens stepped through, their crisp white scrubs just as intense as the rest of the room. 

They rounded on either side of her, the deep blues of their eyes boring into her exposed form, making her squirm in discomfort under their gaze. “W– what are you gonna do to me?” Yaz asked nervously, a tremor palpable in her voice. 

“We just want to find out a little more about you.” 

“How about just asking me questions instead, eh?” Yaz tried to stall, but it was no use, one of the machines being wheeled over, wires protruding intimidatingly from all sides. She tugged at her binds once more, desperate to escape, desperate for the Doctor to suddenly burst into the room and save her like she always did. Except this time _—_ Yaz knew that wasn’t going to happen, only solidifying her fear further when the pointed needle of one wire was stuck into her neck as she hissed through her teeth. 

Other wires soon joined it, pricking at the flesh in the crease of her elbows, wrists, thighs, even her stomach, leaving tiny specks of blood seeping from the intrusions. The room started to fuzz around her, some sort of drug being pumped into her system to placate her as they poked and prodded at her weak form. She could hear the aliens talking, but it sounded miles away, like there were more than two of them in the room with her, their voices bouncing around her skull. 

Soon coming to the conclusion that their prodding wasn’t invasive enough, the aliens lifted her head from the cool metal of the table, their voices seeming to pique in interest as Yaz felt what she thought was a finger rub at the back of her neck. 

Through her daze, some clarity broke free. They’d found the translator in the back of her neck. The one from all the way back on Desolation. It never clicked her, until now, how she’d been able to understand everyone without the TARDIS around. She heard the scrape of metal on metal and when she glanced to her side, through blurred vision she saw what she thought was a scalpel lifted from a tray. Then the binds loosened on her wrists as she was sat up and held still. Her attempts at thrashing in the aliens grip were futile _—_ so drugged up that her limbs felt like a dead weight. 

She felt her hair being shifted on the back of her neck as panic coursed through her veins, if they took it out they’d stop understanding each other. “N– no… don’t.” she murmured, her words falling slurred off her lips. 

“Quiet now.” One of them spoke as if they were trying to reassure her, when they were about to  _ cut open the back of her neck.  _

“N– no!” she tried again, but the grip around her only tightened as she felt the first prick of the knife digging into her skin. She groaned at first incision, crying out when the knife sliced deeper into her skin, dragging down and opening her flesh, blood dripping in tracks down her back, tears on her face doing the same as she whined and weeped at the pain through her drugged state.

When she felt fingers probe under the skin of her neck, Yaz practically screamed as a surge of adrenaline pumped through her veins, bringing life back to her limbs as her hands scrambled for purchase until they were yanked into a tight, unyielding grip. When something tugged against the muscles inside her neck, she knew they’d found it, the translator instantly ripped from her body with a cry of agony, their words turning to gibberish as darkness consumed the corners of her vision, soon encapsulating her entirely with a final whimper of pain as she passed out. 

* * *

_ The evening was brisk, the Doctor’s rainbow scarf wrapped cozily around Yaz’s neck as they looked out at the city, buzzing and alive beneath them. Awake and breathing so late into the night, that Yaz was glad she had the night off. They stood on the balcony of her flat, both leaning against the railing, elbows resting on cool metal, the chill seeping through the fabric of their coats, yet their proximity kept each other warm. The Doctor’s closeness sent a shiver through Yaz that her friend took for the cold air, unconsciously wrapping an arm around Yaz’s waist with a gentle squeeze that sent her heart racing in her chest. “Cold, Yaz?” _

_ “Hm? Oh — yeah, a little.” she mumbled.  _

_ “We can go back inside, if you like?” the Doctor offered, her expression warm, a contrast to the icy wind blowing around their faces. _

_ “No, it’s fine. I like being out here–” Yaz swallowed her nerves, “–with you.”  _

_ The Doctor’s face softened, her eyes glistening in the light of the city, “I like being out here with you too, Yaz.”  _

_ Yaz spotted the Doctor’s gaze flicker to her lips, but didn’t say anything, worried she was seeing too much into things, so she glanced back out at the view in front of them. She wondered if there were other people out there, having a moment as quiet and as content and as… intimate? As theirs. Yaz thought not as she tried to keep her focus on the city, all too aware of the Doctor’s eyes boring into her skull. She chanced a glance, and Yaz found she couldn’t look away, the Doctor’s gaze so intense that her mouth went dry and her breath caught in her throat.  _

_ “What?” Yaz asked, voice barely above a whisper, terrified to break the moment.  _

_ The Doctor shook her head lightly, “Nothing. I– you just—   
_

_ “Doctor?” _

_ The Doctor chuckled nervously. “Sorry, it’s just — the way the lights were reflecting on your face, you looked really beautiful.”  _

_ “Wha–” _

_ “I mean that’s not to say you don’t always look beautiful Yaz, because you do. You’re a very beautiful human inside and out. And, not just beautiful, there’s so much more about you that I–” _

_ “Doctor.” Yaz stopped the Doctor’s nervous ramble with the soft press of her fingers to her lips. “What are you trying to say? Be direct, for my sake.” Yaz pushed, a hopeful smile tugging at the corner of her lips. _

_ The Doctor let out a shaky breath as she shifted from her purchase against the railing to lean her hip where her arms once rested, both her hands reaching out for Yaz own, entwining the tips of their fingers together, tentative, almost questioning. “I– I really want to kiss you.”  _

_ Yaz let out a gasp, the quiet noise trembling off her lips. Well, she certainly wasn’t expecting that. She’d come to terms with her own affections for the Doctor a while ago, never expected them to be reciprocated and had accepted that. But to hear from the Doctor herself that  _ **_she_ ** _ wanted to  _ **_kiss_ ** _ Yaz? She was honest to God floored. Yaz watched as the Doctor shuffled nervously on the spot her eyes suddenly going wide. “Unless you don’t want to kiss me then that’s fine we can just pretend–”  _

_ “Doctor.” Yaz cut her off again, a cool hand finding purchase on her now flustered cheeks. “Trust me, I really want to kiss you too. Have for a while now.” _

_ Nerves practically melted away from the Doctor’s face, replaced by a grin that shone brighter than the whole city. “Oh– wow. Ok, brilliant! That’s — that’s brilliant.”  _

_ “Doctor?” _

_ “Hm?” _

_ “So are you going to kiss me, or what?”  _

_ “Right! Yes, sorry. Got distracted by your eyes. They’re very pretty.” _

_ Yaz laughed breathily. “Keep up with all these compliments and my head won’t fit back through the door.”  _

_ “Well, I best stop talking then.” the Doctor answered suggestively as her fingers slipped away from Yaz’s to reach up and twist in the ends of the scarf curled around her neck, lifting them up slightly to pull her close, their lips barely brushing against each other.  _

_ When the Doctor finally,  _ **_finally_ ** _ closed the gap between them, Yaz felt her whole body flood with warmth as their mouths moved slowly against each other, the Doctor’s lips soft against her own. The kiss was almost timid, Yaz realised, as they slowly pulled away, leaving a potential between them for so much more. A future of time and space and adventures,  _ **_together_ ** _ , of the press of more than just lips against each other. But it was late, they were at her flat, and her parents and sister were in, so they left it at that one kiss, just for the night.  _

_ “I’ll take you somewhere amazing tomorrow.” the Doctor promised at the door, rainbow scarf now placed back around her own neck. “There’s this planet called Thibiea-7 that’s got some of the most gorgeous views.”  _

_ “Sounds like a date.” Yaz grinned and the Doctor blushed, eyes flickering briefly to the floor.  _

_ “Yeah, it does.” she smiled back, dipping down to press a chaste kiss against Yaz’s cheek. “I’ll see you tomorrow, Yaz.” _

_ “See you, Doctor.” Yaz called with a small wave as she watched the Doctor walk away, a happy sigh falling from her lips.  _

* * *

When Yaz woke, her neck throbbing, limbs aching, wrists and ankles rubbed raw _—_ she opened her eyes to the dull light seeping through a tiny window, her face pressed against the grimy floor of a dirty cell. She managed to roll herself onto her back, quickly realising her mistake when it only amplified the pain in the back of the neck, reverberating it all the way into her skull, forcing a wave of nausea to crash over her as she shifted back onto her side just in time to empty what small amount of sustenance was in her stomach onto the floor. The mostly yellow colour of it quickly confirming to her it was mainly bile.  _ When was the last time she’d eaten?  _ She coughed, her throat sore and dry, the taste of her vomit clinging to the back of her throat as a tear slipped down her cheek. What it was for, she wasn’t sure. There were about a hundred different reasons for why she was crying,  _ why pick just one? _

Yaz took a breath, and slowly managed to sit herself up, noticing the thin fabric of a dirty cream gown that clung to her form as she cautiously reached around the back of her neck to assess the damage. The wound wasn’t wrapped, just carelessly stitched together if the feel of it was anything to go by. She pressed down a touch, hissing at the pain and pulling her fingers away to find them sticky with near dry blood _—_ the same stickiness she could feel all down her back. 

Her head still throbbed as the drugs wore off, her brain still fuzzy as she struggled to think _—_ think of how to get out of this hell. Though she wasn’t given much time when the door to her cell swung open, bright light pouring into the room with an intensity so harsh that it made Yaz cover her eyes. 

Yaz managed to move her arm away briefly to catch the expression on the alien’s face above her to try and gauge what he was saying through the movements of his face alone, the words coming from his mouth now incomprehensible with the lack of her translator. It was the same alien as before, the one that ripped it from her neck and she scowled as he stepped closer. She shuffled backwards until her back hit a stoney wall, the uneven bricks jabbing into her back as he knelt down in front of her grabbing her red raw wrist and taking her pulse. He looked behind himself and nodded to two guards who stormed in and yanked her up by her arms, gripping tight enough to bruise as they dragged her up off the floor and out of the cell, back down the hallway. Yaz screamed and cried and thrashed as they pulled her along, far too strong for her partially drugged state to stop. She soon gave up, too tired and in pain to keep fighting, her legs going limp as her heels grazed the floor, soft whimpers of upset still falling from her lips as they pulled her up onto another table, strapping her down for a second time. 

She was even less ready for round two than she was round one, Yaz thought, as the door locked and sealed behind them.


	4. Run boy run, they're dying to stop you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> another chapter where the violence TW is relevant so be warned! 
> 
> however this was a lot of fun to write so i hope y'all enjoy!!

There was only one thing Yaz felt lucky for right now as she once again lay on the dusty floor of her cell. Her watch was still on her wrist, the aliens clearly not seeing the small accessory as a threat. It meant she at least managed to keep track of the time she had spent in the facility she was trapped in.

So far, it had been a week.

A week of grueling tests, invasive hands and stinging needles, poking and prodding and probing anywhere they pleased. It left Yaz exhausted, physically and mentally and constantly in some form of pain. Her whole body ached, her neck still sore after not healing properly. Track marks covered her arms and legs, her brain fuzzy and stomach fragile from the amount of drugs that had been pumped through her, some of it lingering constantly in her system, not given enough time for it to work its way out completely. Yaz was sure that if she looked at her reflection right now, her pupils would be blown wide. 

She wiped a hand across her clammy forehead, sweat dripping down her temple as her body rejected the most recent bout of drugs, proven by the pool of vomit in the corner of her cell, her trembling limbs that were covered in goosebumps, and the fever currently burning through her body, sending her delirious as she wept quietly to herself. 

They were keeping her heavily sedated, that one she had figured out easy enough. She kept fighting back. Every single time they dragged her out of her cell she would kick and thrash and punch, even biting one of the guards when they grabbed her too hard. That one had resulted in a smack to the face. The bruise had faded around her eye now, no longer sore to the touch, but the pain she went through every day was a harsh reminder of just how alone she really was. Her hope of seeing the Doctor again was quickly diminishing and twisting, curdling like off milk into something dark and angry in her gut. Why hadn’t she come for her?  _ Why _ hadn’t she saved her? 

So when the door to her cell swung open again, the shadow of a guard looming over her, the anger in her gut started to spread, slowly seeping through her system like the drugs in her veins as she was dragged weakly away, for the first time _—_ feeling too sick to fight back.

Strapped down again for the upteenth time, Yaz squinted as a bright light shone down into her eyes, so harsh and hot it made sweat bead on her forehead as the fever searing under her skin made her limbs twitch unconsciously. Her fingers twisted in the thin sheet lay out on the table, but she sighed in brief reprieve as cool pads were pressed to either side of her temples _—_ Yaz didn’t want to think about what they were really for. And she didn’t have to, her eyes rolling into the back of her head as they switched the machine on. 

* * *

_ “Here we are, Thibiea-7!” the Doctor announced, arms wide as she gestured to the view from the top of the hill. The Doctor had been right the night before, she really had taken them somewhere amazing.  _

_ “Flippin’ heck Doc, that’s one hell of view.” Graham exclaimed, eyes wide as he spun around, absorbing everything in sight.  _

_ “Told ya.” the Doctor said proudly, hands on hips as she grinned at her companions. “Come on then, let’s get a shift on. See what the locals are up to, I’m pretty sure they’re friendly.”  _

_ “Pretty sure?” Ryan questioned, though they followed along regardless, Yaz catching up to the Doctor to walk alongside her.  _

_ “That’s good enough for you lot, right?” the Doctor beamed cheekily and Ryan chuckled. _

_ “Yeah, ‘spose it is.” _

_ As they made their way down into the small village, Yaz’s hand brushed against the back of the Doctor’s more than once. It was clear both of them wanted to reach out, but both too nervous to do so. The boys didn’t know what had happened between them the previous night, and though it was all so new and exciting — it was also absolutely terrifying.  _

_ It was Yaz who finally decided to bite the bullet, reaching out a pinkie to weave around the Doctor’s own, the Time Lord glancing down at their fingers for a moment before catching Yaz’s gaze, a bashful smile on her lips.  _

_ They strolled through the market, soon becoming more confident, finger after finger interlinking until their hands were fully entwined. The Doctor excitedly rambled on about certain knick-knacks she picked up, and Yaz listened intently while the boys went off to find food, under strict instructions not to eat anything with jomba meat in it, “it’ll melt your insides — literally.” the Doctor had said.  _

_ Yaz and the Doctor sat on the edge of the forest picking at some of the local fruits as they chatted, until the Doctor nervously pulled something from her inside pocket.  _

_ “So — I sort of got you something.” the Doctor admitted, a small smile on her lips. _

_ “Oh?”  _

_ “It’s nothing much. Just a small something I got in between last night and today. Admittedly I may have taken a quick trip before I met you all this morning.”  _

_ “Doctor you didn’t have t–” _

_ “I wanted to.” she nodded surely as she opened her hand to reveal a small watch. The face was only about as big as a thumb print, a thin leather strap bound to each side, the colour a wine red. “Here.” the Doctor handed it to her, turning it around so the watch face was resting against Yaz’s palm. The back of the watch had intricate circles engraved into it, something that Yaz recognised from seeing all over the TARDIS. It was the Doctor’s native language. She remembered her bringing it up once or twice.  _

_ “What does it say?” Yaz asked quietly. _

_ “It says ‘Yasmin’ in Gallifreyan. Do you like it?”  _

_ Yaz looked up to see nerves swimming in the Doctor's eyes and she grinned. “I love it. It’s gorgeous. Thank you so much, Doctor.” _

_ “Really? It's not too cheesy? Me, a Time Lord, gifting you a watch.” the Doctor’s nose crinkled and Yaz giggled. _

_ “No it’s not. I love it. I promise. Thank you.” Yaz leaned forward, pressing a light kiss to the Doctor’s lips, the Time Lord humming in delight against her. “Put it on for me?” Yaz requested, handing the watch back to the Doctor. _

_ The Doctor nodded, taking the watching and gently clasping it around Yaz’s wrist, leaving a tender kiss on the pulse point that lay just above the watch strap. “It suits you.”  _

_ “Clearly you’ve got good taste.” Yaz said. _

_ “Clearly.” the Doctor replied smugly, making both women chuckle as the Doctor leaned in to capture Yaz’s lips once more. _

* * *

When Yaz came around, she could feel the pads on her temples being peeled away and liquid running down her cheek that she quickly realised was a tear. All she could see was white, the bright light above her distorting her vision until she could finally focus on the blue skin of the aliens leaning over her. She heard them muttering to each other, they sounded intrigued, what about Yaz had no idea. 

When they headed over to a workbench, quickly busying themselves analysing the results of their test on a computer screen, Yaz used the opportunity to scan the room, taking note of how close the tray of utensils were to her hand. She checked back over her shoulder to find the aliens still occupied, discussing the results intensely, and her gaze shot back to the tray. If she tried, Yaz was sure she could reach it. It might hurt her wrist, but she could do it. 

So she did. She reached out  _ oh so _ carefully to pull at the cool metal of the tray, gently tugging it closer to the table she lay on with a clammy hand as it rolled silently along the smooth floor. She fought against her fading fever as the stretch on her wrist worsened, an ache already throbbing through it. Yet Yaz pushed on, reaching out her fingertips, just about managing to clasp a scalpel between her index and middle finger.

When she looked back at the aliens again, she could see them nodding in agreement, like they were coming to a conclusion, and Yaz knew she had to work fast. Rucking up her gown as best she could, she slipped the scalpel up the side of her underwear, the tip poking uncomfortably into her thigh as she yanked the gown back down  _ just _ in time, the aliens rising from where they lent on the bench and made their way back over. Yaz’s heart raced in her chest as they unclasped her binds, ready to drag her back to her cell. As they led her to the guard who stood outside, she prayed to all the Gods in existence that she would be lucky enough, that the scalpel wouldn’t fall from its purchase as she was dragged along. 

Whoever was looking down on her blessed her that day as she was thrown back in her cell, none of them suspect to her thievery. Though she wasn’t quite lucky enough not to land on it and feel the tip of the scalpel stab into her flesh. Yaz rolled over once she head the footsteps echo away into silence, pulling the scalpel from underwear and letting out a tiny cry of success. 

Maybe, just maybe, she could get out of this hell. 

* * *

Yaz waited patiently, sat against the back wall of her cell, eyes closed as she rested and concentrated on her breathing. The last test they’d done on her they hadn’t given her any more drugs, the only thing the brain scan had managed was to knock her out for a bit. No more drugs in her system, big mistake on their part.

Yaz felt the most awake she had in  _ days _ .

It had been two days since the brain scan, nine days since she got caught, and she’d had enough. So as soon as she heard the door open at the end of the corridor, she knew what was coming, but this time she wasn’t going to go with them. Yaz sped up her breathing as she heard steps echo down the hallway waiting until the guard close to press the tip of the scalpel into her upper arm, drawing blood but sending a burst of adrenaline through her that only increased as the door swung open, the guard rattling off foreign words before taking a step forward. 

For a moment _—_ Yaz hesitated, the next, she didn’t. 

She rushed forward, catching the alien off guard as he said something in confusion, but it was too late. Yaz lunged at him as her arm lifted in the air, before coming down full force to drive the scalpel straight into the alien’s eye with a furious cry. The guard fell backwards, Yaz falling on top of him as he screamed in agony, hands scrambling to grasp at his face as Yaz clambered off him, tears filling her own eyes, regret piercing her chest. But she had no choice, right? It was them or her, and she chose herself. 

Yaz bent down and unhooked the keys from his belt, running as fast as her weakened body would allow, her dulled reactions not slowing her down quick enough as she slammed shoulder-first into the door at the end of the corridor, hurriedly trying every key with shaky hands until one  _ clicked _ . She flung the door open and scurried into the next corridor. 

She had no idea where she was going as ran down hallway after hallway, concern growing with each long second she spent roaming the eerie quiet of the facility. Yaz’s heart pounded in her chest, and blood dripped down her arm, staining the crisp white floor with drips of angry red. She slowed down as she tip-toed along the next hallway, completely lost in the maze of corridors. Stopping at another workbench that rested outside a dark room, she picked up a spare metal tray that rested on top of it as she carried on down the hallway. Barely a weapon, but it would have to do.

Yaz peeked her head around the next corner she came across, her breath catching in her throat as she spotted natural light spilling through a door at the opposite end. Freedom was the only thing on her mind as she charged down the corridor, straight toward the guard that stood in front of the exit, the alien spinning round at the sound of feet padding toward him. He cried out some sort of command which Yaz resolutely ignored, a brief panic coursing through her veins when he slammed his fist against a big red button next to him. Sirens blared around them, flashing red and harsh against the bright white of the walls, yet she didn’t slow her pace, the alien just as surprised as herself at her determination when he pulled what looked like a gun from his belt. 

But he was a second too slow and Yaz was a touch too close as she ran at him with an angry cry, smacking him full force in the side of the head with the tray, his skull cracking against the wall as he slid down it, leaving a line of dripping blood in his wake. Yaz felt sick as her chest heaved, eyes glued to the damage she had caused, yet she didn’t allow herself time to think about it as she tore her gaze away and charged out the doors.

Natural sunlight hit her dirt-smeared skin as she sucked in fresh air, welcoming every breath into her lungs as she ran. And she kept on running _—_ running until the facility was but a speck in the distance and her legs burned and feet screamed at her to stop, eventually collapsing to the floor when her adrenaline wore off. Her vision swam and her arm stung as Yaz rolled on her back, chest rising and falling in quick succession as she sunk into the feeling of the soft grass against her skin. 

She was free, so she closed her eyes _—_ just for a moment. 

A moment stretched into far longer when Yaz opened her eyes again, the sky now a dark hue and freckled with stars. A strange animal nudged at her arm with its muzzle, though when she moved her head to get a closer look, it startled and dashed away. Yaz slowly sat up, rubbing at tired eyes as the moon shone down on her _—_ and she smiled,  _ actually smiled —  _ for the first time in weeks. 

Freedom had never felt so good. 

After trudging mutely through the forest, Yaz found herself back at the lake where it had all gone wrong. She thought she probably should’ve been more vigilant, but she was so tired, so filthy and aching so terribly that she didn’t care as she stripped off the dirty gown and dipped her entire body into the water. It was so unbelievably invigorating that Yaz laughed to herself, albeit croakily, her throat sore as she bathed herself, cleaning her wounds and scrubbing at her hair. 

Once out of the lake, she reluctantly slipped the gown back on, the flimsy fabric her only current clothing, and headed back to her hidden cave. Upon return, it remained untouched, so she carved her missing days into the wall and practically collapsed with exhaustion. 

She’d write her diary in the morning. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> guys i love writing yaz as a total badass i hope you all know that


	5. It might’ve been a nightmare (to anyone who might care)

The wind was sharp against her skin, scratching at her face like the claws of an angry cat. Moonlight shone down on her, cold and uninviting and nothing like what she was used to back in Sheffield. Though Sheffield was a long way away now. Who knew if she would ever see it again. 

Yaz leant forward, taking a glance over the edge of the cliff, something that she quickly regretted. The water was harsh and choppy, sinking into a never ending abyss of darkness, shards of spiky stones jutting out of angry water. A harsh contrast to the stillness of the lake near the cave where she’d set up camp. 

If you asked Yaz _why_ she was standing at the edge of a precipice, she wouldn’t be able to tell you. It felt strange to be there, alone, unsure of her own intentions. Were they to enjoy the limited view? Were they to jump? She was only pulled from her thoughts by the sound of feet against grass behind her. 

She turned, coming face to face with _her._ With the Doctor. Her coat flapped in the wind, hair blowing similarly across her face. Blonde locks concealed any expression from view, the darkness of the night only aiding to shadow the Doctor’s eyes. 

“Doctor?”

No response. 

“Doctor?” Yaz asked again, reaching out for the Time Lord only for a hand to shoot out and clamp around her wrist like a pythons jaw around its prey. 

It was then that Yaz spied Ryan and Graham stood behind the Doctor, hands in pockets, expressions stony. Unmoving. 

“Guys?” There was a tremble to Yaz’s voice as she tried to pull her wrist free to no avail. “What’s going on?” 

Just as Yaz parted her lips to speak again, the Doctor’s other hand came out of nowhere, gripping at Yaz’s shirt and pushing her forward until she hung over the edge of the cliff, feet dangling freely over the drop.

“Doctor what’re you–” the grip loosened briefly and Yaz yelped, hands scrambling to grasp at where the Doctor’s clung to her shirt. The erroneous grip a threat. _Stop talking_ , it said. 

Yaz’s gaze flickered to the boys who remained in the place like statues, onlookers to the encounter before them. They didn’t care. No one on the cliff cared for her. Not anymore. 

So why should she care for herself?

Yaz ignored the Doctor’s threat. She spoke. “Doctor, _please.”_

What she was pleading for, she was unsure. For the Doctor to spare her? To let her go? Not even Yaz knew. Not that it mattered. Not when the Doctor’s grip on her shirt relinquished entirely and she fell, fell, _fell…_

  
  


Yaz lurched up with a start. Breathing heavy, sweat slick on her skin, her mouth dry. She threw her makeshift blanket off her form, grabbing her usual sharpened stone, and stood to carve another line into the cave wall. She pressed her forehead against the cool rock for a quiet moment before briefly peering past the curtain of vines that hid her home from unwanted visitors. She tested the temperature — cool. 

Ignoring what she had just woken up from, Yaz allowed the early morning sun to warm her skin and wake her up. This wasn’t the first time she’d been forced from slumber by a similar nightmare. So she distracted herself with her diary.

As she wrote the day number however, Yaz realised today was a horrifically special one:

> _‘Day 365._
> 
> _One. Year._
> 
> _I’ve officially been here, on my own… for a year._
> 
> _It’s getting hard to believe this whole thing was an accident. How the HELL does someone get left behind for this long when your ‘friend’ has a literal time machine. Well, if she is coming back, she’s lucky she’s got someone to come back to with all the shit I’ve had to deal with._
> 
> _The Doctor doesn’t like weapons? Tough. This past year I’ve made my own, and taught myself how to use them. They aren’t the best, but I’m sure they’ll get better along with myself. Depending on how much longer I’m here for anyway. If ever I ever leave. But regardless, never in my life did I ever think I’d be hunting for my own food, let alone that food being alien animals._
> 
> _The people here seem to have left me well enough alone now, too scared of me I think. I seem to have made an impression. Every time they see me they shout some kind of name at me. I don’t know what it means. Must just be what they call me now but it must be something scary with how they run when it gets shouted. Though I suppose after calling their government on me they didn’t expect to see me again. Maybe they think I’m some sort of ghost? Or a demon? Not that I care. They can worry all they like, I’m just here to survive._
> 
> _You know, after a whole year by myself you think I would’ve lost all my hope. And that’s not to say I’m not angry, because I am and if I see the Doctor again I’ll give her a piece of my mind, but it’s still there inside me… just a little bit of hope. That she’ll come back for me. This is the Doctor we’re talking about, surely to God she wouldn’t just leave me here for the rest of my life?_
> 
> _So yes, it’s been a year and it’s so hard not to think of the worst (which I do everyday) but there is a tiny part of me that still believes she’s coming._
> 
> _And God do I want that tiny part of me to be right._
> 
> _So… happy shitty anniversary to me._
> 
> _Y.’_

Yaz stood up with a stretch, her back muscles pulling taught, the ache of being slouched for so long fading. Her belly rumbled, and the sun continued to rise above the hill as Yaz picked up a makeshift knife, slipping it into a stolen belt as she made her way out of her home. “Speaking of food,” she muttered to herself. 

The wind was bitter, the brightness of the sunrise deceiving of the day's heat, though Yaz’s fur clothing kept her warm as she pulled a hood over her head, setting off into the forest. 

During her time on Thibiea-7, Yaz had quickly learned what was and wasn’t safe to eat, partly through observation of the villagers, partly through trial and error, the latter a less than fun endeavour.

She strolled through the forest, picking the fruits she knew were safe, before heading to the lake for a drink. Yaz perched herself at the water's edge, quenching her thirst while she popped berries in her mouth. As she sat, the calm of the morning sunk into her bones, allowing her a moment to relish in the serenity while she peeled another fruit and soaked in the view, catching sight of the small ripples in the water from the creatures below. Yaz smiled, though only small. 

“Suppose I could be stuck somewhere worse.” she said to no one.

Yaz let her thoughts drift like the leaves floating on the water while she sat, yet, as always, they drifted toward a certain someone. Toward hazel-green orbs, golden locks and soft lips. A smile that was as bright as the sunrise and a laugh that was positively contagious. Yaz’s smile grew until she forced it into a frown.

No. She was angry. Angry at the exact woman she was thinking about. So she stood, deciding instead to spend her time doing something productive so as to not get lost in her own thoughts again, more specifically in thoughts of the Doctor. 

Yaz spent the morning scouring the perimeter of the village, keeping an eye out for anything worth taking, her morals officially thrown out the window a long time ago. When her task proved fruitless she took her usual walk up the hill — to where the TARDIS had left her. First check of the day, two more to go. The walk up the hill three times a day was grueling and everyday so far, disappointing. Yet, it was necessary, because one day the blue box _might just be there._

Though there were other perks too. The walk was time consuming and kept her fit, not like she had much else to do or a gym to go to. After struggling with keeping her weight on at first, Yaz had put it back on significantly, her muscles having grown after a year of living in the wilderness.

To keep her fitness up, Yaz spent the afternoon venturing into the mountains. The climbing helped increase her stamina and the higher she went up the mountain oftentimes meant better food. Yet as she climbed higher, a sound caught on the wind that pricked at her ears. Deciding to investigate, Yaz changed her path, drawing her knife from her belt as she rounded a corner, the sound bouncing off the rocks. A particularly loud wail came through the breeze that sounded like a cry, so she surged forwards, picking up her pace until she was moving at a light jog. She fought through the mist of the mountain until she found herself in a small clearing, and in the middle — a child. They sat on the floor in tears, hands clasping at their leg as dark blood seeped from an ugly gash. Yaz tentatively made her way over, the child only screaming louder when he caught sight of her. 

“ _Now_ I wish you lot didn’t find me so scary.” Yaz mumbled to herself. 

The child tried to shuffle back, the jostling of his leg only making him cry harder. “Daem'ul! Daem'ul!” he yelled, a stubby blue finger pointing at Yaz.

“I know, I know. Yes I’m _really_ scary.” Yaz spoke quietly, uncaring of the sarcasm he couldn’t possibly understand. She bent down to his level, pulling the hood from her head and smiling, hoping the gesture would placate his fear. It worked a little, his cries quieting to whines and sniffles. “This is gonna be difficult,” Yaz whispered to herself before locking eyes with the small child and pointing to his wound. “Now I know you can’t understand me so I hope the gesture is obvious enough but, can I take a look?” she spoke softly, waiting in patient understanding until she got a shy nod in return. She nodded back, gently peeling the small hands away with a grimace at the throbbing wound. It was deep, and blood pulsed freely from it. “That looks nasty,” Yaz looked around, scanning the area, “how did you manage that?” 

She turned her attention back to the child, tears still dripping from his eyes as she ripped at the some of the fabric of her undershirt. “Here,” she said, wrapping the wound as best she could, “This is gonna hurt a bit and I can’t tell you that… sorry.” she said as pulled tight and the child cried out, his sobs returning. “I know, I know.” she mumbled as she rubbed his leg gently, “I’m sorry.” 

She tried to shoot him an empathetic smile, hoping the apology came across, before shifting to scoop the child off the ground, his arms tight around her neck while her hand rested on his back, her other arm under his legs. 

They made their way back down the mountain, the evening casting a dim glow on the both of them as the breeze picked up and tried to push at Yaz’s back, though her strength kept her steady. As she neared the village Yaz started to feel drips of blood against her own arm, and though she’d been careful not to jostle the child too much on their trip down the mountain, she increased her pace into a jog, the village finally in view. She didn’t care what they thought of her, her sole concern was the injured child in her arms.

When they made it to the main street, she walked straight down the middle, the most bold she’d been since her first couple weeks. Everyone stared, all so shocked at the sight of her that none of them thought to cry out in warning. No one but the child’s mother, who practically screamed at the sight of her child in Yaz’s arms. She rushed over and Yaz gently passed him into her arms, pointing to his leg so they knew what the injury was. And though Yaz didn’t expect any thanks, it was the last thing she got. The mother shoved at Yaz’s chest, screaming as she pushed her away, pointing back and forth between her child through sobs and tears and the other aliens pulling her away to treat the small child. 

All Yaz could do was stand there — stunned. They thought she’d hurt the child. 

The realisation sent anger and upset coursing through her veins. How dare they assume she would do such a thing? Was she really that terrifying to them that they thought her capable of such an act? The only thing to pull her out of her mind was the multitude of villagers making their way toward her in a small crowd, looking less than friendly, makeshift weapons branded and angry shouts emanating from their throats. Yaz took that as her leave, sprinting away into the night. Away from the village, away from its people, away from her own self hatred, though only one of those three would catch up to her. 

By the time she’d made it back to her cave, it was pitch dark, yet the moonlight didn’t allow her to conceal the tear tracks on her cheeks. She shoved past the vines, an exasperated cry ripping from her throat as she slammed her knuckles into the stone wall, leaving angry spatters of red in their wake. Her breathing was heavy and her knuckles stung as another hot tear seeped from her eye. 

Yaz grabbed her diary from the ground before sliding down the wall, ready to vent her frustrations. 

> _‘Still day 365, still one year since I got abandoned. And today I learned just how scared the people here are of me. I helped one of them. Actually did some good here, saved a child’s life._
> 
> _Yet they thought I’d hurt him. They thought I’d hurt their child. And the worst part? I don’t blame them. I came in, disrupted their peace, stole from them, and now they think I’ve hurt one of them. One after the other right? Who can blame them for thinking such a thing? I’m an outcast here. I’M the alien, not them._
> 
> _And here’s the funny thing: I don’t blame them and I don’t blame myself._
> 
> _Do you know I do blame? You, Doctor. I blame you. YOU left me here. YOU abandoned me here. You can’t expect me not to change._
> 
> _Y.’_


	6. If I don’t have you, at least I still have me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> MORE YAZ BASED FIC FROM ME. 2 days in a row babyyyy but she's ma GIRL 
> 
> annnnddddd she's still going through it so sorry lol x
> 
> thanks to @timelxdy as always for being my wonderful beta
> 
> TW for vomiting

“Right! Attempt number two. Let’s get back to Yaz,” the Doctor said, hand tugging the lever down, the column in the middle starting to move as the ship wheezed and groaned, the floor vibrating underneath them until the Doctor flicked a certain switch that sent the ship’s occupants flying to the ground. They all landed with a thud as the TARDIS juddered to a halt, sparks flying from the console in protest. The Doctor sat up looking a little frazzled, her face morphing into confusion, lines creasing her forehead with frustration. “Oh, I am not having this. What’s wrong? Why won’t you land?” she argued with the TARDIS, the ship whining in reply. If Ryan didn’t know any better, he would’ve said it sounded in pain.

“Doctor, why won’t she land?” Ryan asked.

“I don’t know, and she’s not exactly telling me why. All I can gather from what she’s pushing into my head is that something’s blocking her, not sure what though. Essentially, every time we get knocked back, it’s like the TARDIS is hitting a barrier.”

“So Yaz is stuck?” Graham asked with concern. 

“No, not all. We’ll be able to get back to her. And besides, for her, it’s only been,” the Doctor looked at one of the small screens on the console, “Two minutes! She’s not gonna be that cross. Right, now let me have another go.” she said, striding around to the other side of the console, one hand on a lever, the other on a dial. She looked to the boys, eyes intense. “Hold on tight.”

She slammed the lever down.

* * *

> _ ‘Day 730. _
> 
> _ Two. Years.  _
> 
> _ I’ve been here for two years. TWO YEARS on my own. It’s safe to say I’m feeling pretty hopeless right now.  _
> 
> _ I don’t think she’s coming back for me. Which is an absolutely terrifying thought. Am I really stuck here by myself for the rest of my life? Because if so, I’ll never see my family again. I miss them so much. Mum, Dad, my Nani, Sonya.  _
> 
> _ I feel like I should be missing Ryan and Graham, but they’ve swanned off without me with the Doctor to God knows where. They aren’t the ones that got deserted on a planet by the alien that kissed me the night before all this happened. What was the point of all that if she was just going to leave me here? A nice goodbye before she dumps me and runs off.  _
> 
> _ Well, thanks a lot.  _
> 
> _ Sometimes, my thoughts get bad. I keep having days where everything feels so pointless. What’s the use in keeping going when I know I’m gonna be stuck here for as long as I live? I don’t want to be stuck here. I didn’t choose to be stuck here. But I have to force myself to push past those thoughts if I want to keep fighting.  _
> 
> _ Because who knows, maybe that stupid blue box will show up one day and I can give her what for. I honestly don’t know what I’d do if I saw the Doctor. One thing’s for sure, I’ll be seriously pissed off.  _
> 
> _ Here’s to another year of survival. _
> 
> _ Y.’  _

Yaz set the diary down as she strode up to the cave wall, engraving her 730th mark into its surface with a resigned sigh. Though when the sound of shuffling outside the entryway pricked at her ears, Yaz froze, quickly reaching to quietly grab for her knife. Nothing and no one ever came near her home, the sound set her on edge. 

The shuffling continued for a few moments until it stopped. The silence was thick, and Yaz felt like she was choking on it until she heard the sound of feet padding away. She peered through the vines, spotting the child she’d saved a year ago running away back through the forest. Her shoulders sagged as she took a step forward out into the early morning sun, though she almost jumped when her foot knocked against something on the ground. Yaz looked down to find a decent sized bowl full of food, and an unintelligible note sat on top. She picked up the bowl, looking back to the child now in the distance, still running, and took the bowl inside. 

She set out everything the child had left her, realising the amount of food he’d given her would last a few days. There was all sorts, fruits, vegetables and some kind of meat. It was a generous helping and a little overwhelming, Yaz found, when she felt a trickle of liquid run down her cheek and realised she was crying. 

What the child had done was probably the nicest gesture Yaz had received in two years. She’d almost forgotten what kindness was like. A smile pulled at her lips, the muscles in her face stiff from not making the expression in so long. Letting out a quiet sob, Yaz wiped away her tears with a small sniffle and let a watery chuckle escape her. Once she’d calmed herself, Yaz picked at the fruits, munching happily in surprise at how her morning had turned out. 

The routine carried on for a while, another six months to be exact, as Yaz etched her 913th line into the stone wall of the cave. She looked across, frowning at the amount of space she’d taken up, at the amount of space she still had left to spare, and wondered how much more she would need to fill. She shook her head, trying to bat away the dismal thoughts, her mind erupting with the idea she’d be stuck there long enough to fill the cave and more.

Dread swept through her at the thought, and she dashed outside, taking in a deep gulp of fresh air, her head clearing in the brightness of the day. She slumped against the side of the cave entrance, back resting against the cool stone as she closed her eyes and took the time to soak up the calming sun. The weather had warmed significantly, an alien summer season she guessed, after being greeted with it for the second time around. It meant her winter furs were too hot, Yaz now opting for something more freeing.

Cropped leather adorned her top half, hugging her form until it cut off to reveal toned abs that glistened with a thin sheen of sweat in the musky heat, darkened scars now blemishing the once clean skin of her stomach. A light shawl draped over her shoulders, hood hanging loosely off the back while a light breeze lifted the fabric torn and woven into something assembling a skirt, small wisps of wind interweaving between strong thighs, cooling the supple skin instantly. Yaz’s fashioned utility belt hung from her waist, dagger sheathed, rope twisted readily on the other side. Loose hairs tickled her cheeks in the wind, the rest woven neatly into a braid that hung gracefully over her shoulder.

After taking another deep breath, Yaz stepped back inside her cave, dropping down on her sad excuse for a bed and wrapped her hands with worn leather, one arm wrapped just shy of her elbow with the dark material. Finally, she pulled on a pair of makeshift grieves, the shoes falling apart with wear, tired from the unforgiving ground of the forest floor. Yaz stood, giving the wraps on her arm and hands a final test, maneuvering her fingers, well-built arm muscles flexing under the movements. Before leaving her refuge, Yaz picked up her final piece of her gear, a crafted bow and a few arrows that she slung over her shoulders, ready to hunt food.

Yet before leaving, Yaz lifted her wrist in an ingrained action, checking the time on a now frozen watch face. Fingers stuck saying five to seven. The battery had died a few months back but Yaz found herself checking it on instinct. She often wondered why she hadn’t taken it off yet, why she hadn’t thrown it into the lake in anger or smashed it under her feet. But taking it off she thought, would feel like giving up hope entirely. As long as the watch remained wrapped around her wrist, the Doctor would come back. 

The heat of the forest was humid as Yaz strode along, eyes scanning between the trees, ears pricked like a dog in search of any sign of an animal. It was about half an hour into her hunt when a branch crunched in her proximity and she ducked behind a tree. As she slowly peered around the trunk, a deer-sized creature came into view, though it looked nothing like a deer at all. Its thick fur was a dark purple, softer blue stripes painting its sides where they originated from its spine. It had big black eyes and a thin, pointed nose. Yaz thought they were weirdly cute, though its six legs made it difficult to catch if startled. The creature was mindlessly picking at a plant bursting with berries as Yaz lined up her shot, eyes focused, stance strong, yet she was unlucky enough to miss. The arrow clipped the tree next to the creature and its head shot up, ears on end as its blackened eyes met Yaz’s.

It bolted and Yaz sprinted after it, dagger out  _ just  _ in case she could get close enough, but it was to no avail when she came into a clearing where a whole herd of them stared back at her. She froze, watching as the creature joined the rest. They reminded her of a gang of teenagers back home in Sheffield — best to just back away. So she did, heading back through a portion of the forest until she came out at the stream that trickled alongside the hill where the Doctor had abandoned her. Yaz scoffed with distaste as she looked up at the hillside. She’d stopped her daily checks, walking up there every day had started to make her too bitter, so she focused on herself instead. If the Doctor ever came back for her, she could come and find her. 

She perched cross-legged next to the stream, dipping her fingers into the cool water, then her whole hand before bringing it up to rub against the back of her neck to cool her down. She sighed as her stomach let out a quiet rumble, a cruel reminder that she hadn’t eaten in for a whole day and the boy wouldn't be leaving her anything for another couple. She stood, following the stream back around the hill until she hit a stroke of luck. On a bush, next to the stream were a cluster of berries that she’d dubbed as safe to eat. She picked a bunch, slipping a chunk of them into a sack on her belt while she popped a few in her mouth. 

It was only when Yaz was halfway back through the forest she realised she may have been wrong.

The weather was hot, but not hot enough for sweat to start dripping down her back and for her skin to become clammy. Her head started to swim, vision soon joining it as trees blurred into one, then expanded out into multitudes as her hand reached out for a trunk to lean against. When she found one, she practically fell into the tree, shoulder slamming against the bark as a wave of nausea washed over her and twisted her stomach uncomfortably. “Oh no…” was all she could manage before she emptied whatever contents were in her stomach onto the forest floor. 

She coughed and heaved until her mouth was dry, and her gut ached. She felt exhausted, yet pushed forward as her body started to shake violently, her skin taking on a grey hue. “Oh, this is not good.” Yaz croaked to herself, almost sobbing in relief when her home came into view. She stumbled through the vines, throwing herself down on her bed and pulling a thin sheet over her dithering form. She squeezed her eyes shut, willing it to go away. 

It didn’t, it loomed over her, clamping in tight to the point where Yaz was delirious. She didn’t move for the whole of the next day, her whole body aching and her gut clenching as she turned from freezing cold to unbearably hot, the heat forcing her to claw at her skin, trying to scratch the burning away as she whimpered in pain. Tears trickled freely from her eyes, which were bloodshot as she fidgeted her way through the fever, violent shivers continuing to wrack her body right down to her bones. 

The fever didn’t stop, and it didn’t relent, not even when right on cue, the alien child showed up, Yaz just about managing to hear the muffled footsteps through the throbbing in her skull, causing an agonized groan to escape her lips. It caught the boy’s attention, a quiet rustling signalling the movement of vines as a small head peered around them to discover the state Yaz was in. Her skin was covered in a cold sheen of sweat, face pale and clammy as she shook uncontrollably, barely able to utter a word through chattering teeth. 

The boy’s eyes widened in fear as he spoke, the sounds of his language reverberating unpleasantly in Yaz’s skull. He picked up the food, bringing it inside and leaving it by her bed before running off immediately, sprinting out the cave like he was on his own little mission. It left Yaz slightly confused, though she couldn’t think about it for long, the ache in her muscles too distracting, the pain her head burning as she clamped her eyes shut in agony.

Yaz weeped to herself when she was alone once more, the boy now gone, her chest feeling as empty as the cave. If only the Doctor hadn’t abandoned her, if only she had cared enough to keep Yaz around. Had something like this happened while she was travelling, maybe the Time Lord would’ve taken care of her, along with Ryan and Graham. But they weren’t there — instead she was lay in a cave, trapped on an alien planet, a fever she didn’t know searing through her veins like fire ants. 

No one was going to help her, not here. She was alone, no team, no family, no Ryan and Graham… no Doctor. Yaz’s sigh trembled as it slipped from her mouth, more tears spilling down her cheeks as her thoughts fell from mouth in a pained whisper. “Am I gonna die?”

The next time Yaz opened her eyes, it was to the sound of the vines being pulled back again as the boy made his way back into the cave, much to Yaz’s relieved surprise. Though her vision was blurred at the edges, she could see the boy kneel down next to her as he reached for her hand, pressing something into her palm. Yaz brought her hand up to her face, and in a brief moment of clarity, saw a small vial of bright purple liquid in her hand. She looked to the boy with a frown, who acted out opening the vial and tipping it into his mouth, finishing with a shy smile and a point to the vial before getting up and leaving Yaz with what she hoped was a medicine. Even if it was a poison that would finish her off, she didn’t care anymore as she popped the cap, sat up and necked the liquid. It burned down her throat and made her hiss through her teeth at its putrid taste as she swallowed, lying back down and closing her eyes, hoping the constant ache would be gone by the time she next woke. If she woke up at all.

When she did eventually wake, her body felt tired but free, the agonising ache that had tortured her for the past few days having finally left her. Her limbs were sore and her throat was still a little scratchy, but at least she felt as if she could move, using the opportunity to eat some of the  _ safe  _ food the boy had brought as she stood, stretching until her joints clicked. She scratched the days she’d missed onto the cave wall, sipping water from a makeshift cup as she pushed past the vines, damp grass on her feet, flecked with early morning dew. She breathed in the air, grateful to still be able to fill her lungs, the fever having made her feel as if she was on death's door. 

The day passed quickly, not excruciatingly long like they had felt when her body had burned and froze, failing miserably at fighting off some unknown poison. By the time the evening settled over the village, Yaz sat in front of a small fire as she cooked some meat, wondering how to repay the boy, he’d snuck her the medicine after all. She was pretty positive that wasn’t something he should’ve had. Her suspicions were confirmed by a commotion outside, Yaz stepping out to see the boy being dragged toward her by his parents, recognising his mother instantly from when she’d screamed in Yaz’s face all that time ago. Their expressions in the dim moonlight were far from friendly as they shouted in a language unknown to her. The only word Yaz understood being “Daem'ul!” She’d figured out a while back that’s what the people of the village called her.

Yaz could’ve swore she only blinked once, yet the boy’s father was already in her face shouting, flecks of spit hitting her cheek as his voice boomed, fist raising at his side as he swung at her through his fury. Yaz dodged, catching the closed fist at the last second, arm muscles tensing with her grip, jaw clenched as she pushed it away. His expression morphed into one of surprise, stepping back as his shouting ceased, clearly stunned by Yaz’s strength. Her gaze remained fixed on the father, her stance shifting so she was poised and ready for if he tried to attack again, though it soon softened when the boy stood between her and his parents. She could hear the distress in his tone, his cheeks glistening with tear streaks. She was grateful for his naivety, of course a child would be the only one who cared, his small form containing a huge heart. He didn’t see her as a threat, but as a saviour, and Yaz nodded at him with a smile as his parents huffed and tugged him away, the mother spitting an insult at Yaz that she couldn’t understand, but the malice in her voice was clear. 

Yaz wasn’t surprised when the boy didn’t show up the following week with food, or the week after, or the week after that — his parents without a doubt keeping him away. It was on the third week Yaz accepted she wouldn’t see him again, silent tears falling down her cheeks as she sat at the edge of the lake.

The sun beat down on her as she thought of the small boy. He had been a rare comfort, a friendly face in the midst of a horror story that seemed never ending, any hope Yaz had dissipating once more. Her mind drifted to the Doctor, and Yaz remembered how she had been that comfort once, a living being that embodied an infectious hope, yet in Yaz’s head she’d now twisted into a form that oozed something more like betrayal. She glanced down at the watch on her wrist, then back out at the lake. 

Yaz sighed, wiping her cheeks with a final sniff. “I wish I wasn’t so alone.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> will it get better for yaz anytime soon is the real question.
> 
> spoilers: it will not


	7. Glory and gore go hand in hand

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> honestly this has been one of my favourite chapters to write so far so i really hope you guys enjoy this one
> 
> TW blood, gore & violence (yaz just can't catch a break lmao)
> 
> thank you as always to @timelxrd for being my beta!! <3

It was the middle of the night, the moon shining down peacefully on the village, cool rays seeping between hanging vines as Yaz slept. Though her slumber didn’t last long, disturbed by a distant humming that faded in and out, growing a little louder with each passing second until it was so recognisable that her eyes flew open. Wheezing and groaning echoed around her, present but distant, the sound juddering uncomfortably like it was protesting _—_ struggling against some unknown force. 

Yaz darted outside, vines clattering behind her as bare feet hit damp grass only to find _—_ nothing. The sound had gone, the plain in front of her bare right up to the forest, not a blue box in sight. A mix of emotions flowed through Yaz, disappointment, anger,  _ hope _ , betrayal. The darker emotions won out, rage pooling hot in her gut until she let out a scream of frustration, creatures in the trees around her suddenly startled as they shifted through the leaves with nervous energy. It felt like the Doctor was taunting her,  _ mocking  _ her, teasing the sounds of the TARDIS just out of reach _—_ though it could’ve just as easily been the tricks of Yaz’s sleep muddled brain. Regardless, Yaz stormed back through the vines, snatching up her diary off the ground and dropping down next to the remaining embers of a fire. 

> _ Day 1217. _
> 
> _ I’ve been stuck here for over three years. _
> 
> _ I’ve been surviving, and I’m used to it, and I hate the thought that I am. I’ve been writing these entries as often as I can but this is my first one in a while. I don’t think I can keep writing these. What’s the point? If anything, writing about how shitty and lonely my time is here is only making me feel worse.  _
> 
> _ So I’ve decided, this is my last entry. No more.  _
> 
> _ All I can say is, _
> 
> _ I hate the Doctor… and if I ever see her again? I might just kill her.  _
> 
> _ So, for the final time, _
> 
> _Y._

When the sun rose, Yaz was still awake, unable to fall back asleep _—_ her emotions still reeling. She went through her usual routine; tally, breakfast, wash. Finding herself down near the village by mid morning. It was a cooler season, a sharp breeze prickling at her skin, legs, arms and stomach now covered by warmer furs, hands and face the only things exposed to the harsh wind. 

She was busy picking berries when she heard it. The snarl of something hungry for blood, the sound so guttural and vicious that it put her on edge instantly. The screams of villagers that followed had Yaz’s muscles tensing, frozen to the spot as she listened out for more distress, panicked cries carrying on the wind. 

That’s what cemented it.

The village may have been cruel to her, pushed her away, ratted her out to a government that tortured her, but their cries were perilous and the boy who had fed her for months and saved her life lived there. 

Counting the arrows on her back and checking her dagger was in her belt she charged down to the village, vaulting over a fence and sprinting through an alley, skidding to a halt on the main strip and kicking up dust. People ran in all directions around her, their screams piercing her ears, their blood smattering the floor and soaking into dirt. Doors to houses and buildings slammed shut all along the street, the sounds of locks clicking and when Yaz looked around, people watched through the windows, eyes flicking between Yaz and the rampaging beast that stood tall at the end of the street. 

“Daem'ul!” Someone called out to her, but Yaz recognised the voice, spinning around to lock onto the boy she saved so long ago. He was running towards her and shouting the name the village had given her, and the next thing Yaz knew his hand was clasping hers, trying to pull her to safety. “Daem'ul!” he cried again, tugging harder though Yaz stayed put.

“No.” Yaz shook her head, hoping he understood. “No, I can’t. I’m sorry.” she shook her head again and his expression contorted from terror to a different kind of fear, something almost sympathetic as she pulled her hand from his own. She pushed him toward where she could see his parents screaming for him with a rushed insistence, desperate to make sure he stayed safe. “Go!” Yaz cried to him, using gestures to usher him away, the boy unwillingly doing so. 

When Yaz turned, the street was practically empty, apart from her, the beast, and the alien pouring with blood between its teeth. It clamped down into blue flesh, squeezing any remaining life from its victim, more blood dripping to the ground along with what Yaz was pretty sure was some of their guts. Its teeth were stained with the dark sticky liquid, the fur around its mouth damp, the tips of its claws the same. The alien in its jaw wasn’t the only victim however, displayed by the other bodies that lay mangled on the ground, blood congealing in pools at the beasts feet, splattered across some of the buildings like a messed up work of art. 

It only served to fuel Yaz’s anger, these people were innocent, and this creature it seemed had destroyed the peace of the village purely for its own blood lust. It wasn’t eating them, just killing them. 

Yaz pulled an arrow taught in her bow, aiming right between the eyes before letting the arrow spring free, cutting through the air toward its target until the beast reared its head, the arrow instead piercing into the beasts chest with a wail. It didn’t penetrate far, its black fur thick and its skin thicker, the rage in deep orange eyes setting ablaze when it spotted its attacker. 

“Shit…” Yaz murmured under her breath when their eyes locked, the beast dropping the alien in its mouth unceremoniously to the ground like an old rag doll, Yaz a much more appealing toy for it to play with. She could’ve sworn it grinned at her as it began to charge forward, giving Yaz only a few moments to figure out her next move. 

As it closed the distance, Yaz prepared another arrow, and though adrenaline coursed through her, she managed to keep a steady hand. At the last possible moment, she let the arrow go, the tip flying through the small gap between them and puncturing its eye. The beast screamed in what Yaz assumed was agony as it crashed to the ground face first, animalistic cries ripping from its throat as a huge paw came up to scratch at the arrow protruding from its socket. 

While it was distracted Yaz ran behind it, gaining a much needed distance from the beast. At a distance it was scary but up close it was truly horrifying, like a werewolf but so much worse. Its thick fur matted with blood, face marked with ugly scars and a snout that was sharp and snarling _—_ not to mention the size of its teeth that were still stained with blood, bits of flesh clinging to their tips. It was enough to send a shock of pure unadulterated fear down Yaz’s spine. She’d never faced anything like this before, there may have been some less than friendly animals up in the mountains but they were manageable, they were her size. This  _ thing _ ? It towered over her. 

Soon enough, it was recovering, the arrow still stuck in its eye that slowly oozed with blood. The beast stood, though with a little wobble from its now limited sight as it let out a sound that was like a roar, but far more demonic. It reverberated around Yaz’s skull, its screech making her wince slightly as it huffed, charging forward once more, dust flying up around its heels.

Yaz held her ground, waiting, waiting,  _ waiting  _ until the very last second to dive out of the way, the beast losing sight of her for a brief moment and giving Yaz enough time to recover. She pushed herself up off the ground and ran around to its side, yanking another arrow from off her back and shoving it into its side, piercing between its ribs with a wail. She used the arrow embedded in its side to pull herself up, grasping at thick fur as she managed to tug herself up onto its back, holding on with a white knuckled grip as it tried to throw her off. Yaz reached for the knife sheathed in her belt as the beast jostled beneath her, a snarl rumbling low in its throat and finally falling past pointed teeth when the sharp blade sliced deep into its flesh, sinking into the muscle around its spine as blood poured from the wound, clinging to its fur. 

The beast grunted with a newfound fury as with one last shake it threw Yaz off, forcing her to hit the ground with a loud thud and landing awkwardly on her shoulder with a cry. She tried to stand, but she was too slow, sharp claws coming down against her already injured shoulder to slice through dark flesh. The claws cut deep, sinking through muscle and catching on bone as Yaz screamed in agony, tears pricking at her eyes as the beast screamed in her face, flecks of its spit mixed with blood smattering her skin. 

Yaz attempted to crawl away, but her injury hindered her, the gaping claw marks causing too much pain. Her pain was only heightened by the beast stopping her movements, its jaw clamping down on her arm, its teeth sinking into her flesh like a knife through butter, blood instantly bubbling and oozing from the holes it was creating. Yaz’s scream of anguish pierced through the village, bouncing off the walls of shops and homes, reverberating through the skulls of guilty villagers as they helplessly watched on.

Tears streamed down Yaz’s face as its bite refused to relent. She cried out and whimpered as it pulled and tore at her flesh, dragging her along as blood poured freely down her arm, its grip suddenly tightening with a crunch through bone, another scream ripping from Yaz’s lungs. 

As Yaz’s vision started to blur with agony, blackening at the edges, she thought it was over. More tears fell from her eyes as she realised she wasn’t ready for death. She hadn’t seen her family in over three years, hadn’t seen Ryan and Graham, hadn’t seen the Doctor. Yaz had unfinished business, and she wasn’t going to be able to see it through. It was only when the beasts movements paused that her eyes managed to focus again, but what they focused on was something she wasn’t expecting. 

It was a few of the villagers, bow and arrows in their shaking hands as they fired at the beast that wailed above her, its jaw relinquishing its grip on her arm, Yaz hitting the floor with a strangled sob. She watched as the beast charged forward, slowed by the array of arrows now stuck in its flesh, blood seeping all over its body.

Seeing the bravery of the villagers, seeing how they were  _ helping  _ her after all this time, risking their lives to fight off the beast, it gave Yaz one last burst of adrenaline. So she hauled herself up off the ground, stumbling for a moment as she regained her balance, her arm hanging uselessly by her side as dust kicked up around her, settling in her wounds that were still steadily weeping with blood. 

With a final bout of strength, an angry, gravelly cry ripped from Yaz’s throat as she sprinted forward, throwing herself onto the back of the beast once more from where it had partly collapsed, legs giving out at the injuries it had sustained and the blood it had lost, giving her an easy angle to yank herself onto its back while her one side was practically unusable. She pulled herself forward, reaching for the knife that was still buried in its flesh and tugged it out, the beast wailing, yet, before it had chance to throw Yaz off and rip her to shreds, the knife came down for the final time. It broke past the beast’s skull with a loud crack and a scream from Yaz’s lips, puncturing its brain with a gargled cry as it fell _—_ crashing to the ground along with Yaz, a final sigh releasing from the beasts lungs as the remaining life left its body. 

Yaz lay on the ground for a moment, dust and dirt wafting around her as her blood dripped onto the ground, her chest heaving with exertion. After a minute she managed to stand, though it was on wobbly legs, villagers creeping past the doors of their homes and slowly stepping out into safety. 

However, Yaz didn’t get to see much more after that. Her adrenaline crashed and her vision blurred, white spots obscuring her line of sight before a ringing echoed in her ears. 

“I’m fi….” she slurred, heels rocking as she fell toward the ground, blacking out before she hit it. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'd love to know what you thought of this chapter!! let me know in the comments bc they keep me going <33


	8. I'm giving you a nightcall to tell you how I feel

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a lot less action in this chapter compared to last weeks lmao
> 
> ALSO IMPORTANTLY, just as a heads up, I won't be updating this next Tuesday I'm afraid as I'm going to be super busy in London all week on a university trip! So there will be a two week gap between this chapter and the next.
> 
> thank u to my beta @timelxrd <3

Yaz walked through the forest, a deathly quiet surrounding her, the breeze that usually brushed past her non-existent. She continued to walk until she came to a clearing, bare feet coming into contact with cool grass as she looked up to the sky to find not a single star. She looked behind her, the forest now gone, and all that remained was more of the clearing that was completely bare as far as she could see. 

A quiet hum echoed around her, one she recognised from over three years ago, but felt out of place when not surrounded by the warm orange glow of the TARDIS. It felt comforting to hear the sound again, it was something that always relaxed Yaz between travels. Yet, within an instant, the sound changed, it became cold, like it was hissing at her, unwelcoming. The sound of grass wilting under the pressure of weathered boots became apparent behind her, though Yaz didn’t dare turn around, the Doctor instead moving to stand by her, her expression smug. 

“What’s it like, without me?” she spoke, still looking ahead, hazel-green eyes focused on something far in the distance, Yaz’s gaze instead taking in every inch of the Time Lord’s profile. She was so close. So real.

Honest words fell from Yaz’s lips before she could stop them, “I hate it.”

The Doctor huffed, a sharp smirk on her face — it didn’t suit her. “Good.” 

Yaz frowned. “Good?”

The Doctor finally turned to face her then, skin paler than she remembered, eyes dark with something akin to repulsion. “Yes, good. I was getting sick of you on the TARDIS anyway.”

“Wh–”

“You were so irritating, Yaz. Your unwavering devotion was tiring. I felt like I couldn’t breathe with you constantly around me. I only let you get close so it would hurt more when I dumped you somewhere in the universe. You’re lucky I chose to leave you on a planet rather than just throw you out into space.”

“You–” Yaz could barely believe the words coming out of the Doctor’s mouth. It was enough to think darkly of the reasons the Doctor had left her, but to see her admit it? It was so much worse. “You did this on purpose? You  _ left  _ me here alone… on purpose?!” 

The Doctor laughed bitterly. “Of course I did! What, did you seriously think in that tiny little human brain of yours that I did this accidentally?” she laughed again, sharply. “You know how clever I am right? I’ve been planning this for a while. Thinking of a way to get rid of you that would let me keep the boys around.”

“So you just abandoned me on a random planet?!” Yaz shouted, bottom lip quivering, tears glossing over her eyes.

“Yep!” the Doctor rocked on her heels. “Pretty clever right?” she smiled maliciously.

Yaz spluttered, eyes wide with rage as the first tear fell from her eyes. “No! No it's not clever! It’s horrible. It’s  _ cruel _ . How could you do this to me?! To anyone?!” Yaz’s voice shook as she shouted, the Doctor completely still and unblinking as Yaz got in her face. “I’ve been  _ so  _ lonely here. No one speaks my language. I don’t even have the translator anymore because that got ripped out of me years ago. The nicest person here was a little boy who gave me food. And now what?! Are you who I get to speak to before the afterlife? Because the last thing I remember is fighting some massive beast.” Yaz’s chest heaved as she took a breath, wiping her eyes as the Doctor glared at her coldly. “Am I dead?” she whispered, feeling weak suddenly, her outburst of anger using up most of her energy.

“No.” the Doctor replied curtly. “You’ll wake up soon. In about a minute in fact, if the white light coming toward us is anything to go by.” her gaze briefly flicked sideways, and Yaz followed it to find white light streaming toward them from the distance, consuming everything in its path. 

“Is it true?” Yaz’s gaze snapped back to the Doctor who was looking at her intensely. “Everything you said… is it true? Is that really why you left me here?”

All the malice seemed to slip away from the Doctor’s face as the light neared them, her features softening as she smiled kindly, an expression that finally felt more like the Doctor that Yaz remembered.

“I don’t know, Yasmin Khan. This is all in your head. Is that what  _ you  _ think happened? Is that what  _ you  _ think is true? Because me? Well, I’m just a manifestation of your thoughts. Is that what you think of me now? Is this what you think the Doctor is capable of?” Sadness pooled in the Doctor’s eyes as she spoke, shame and guilt swirling behind it. 

“I…” Yaz didn’t get a chance to finish, white light consuming both of them.

* * *

Yaz’s eyes fluttered open to a dark slatted roof, the light dim in the room as her vision focused. Something was clasped tight around her mouth and when she moved a hand to reach for it, she found a breathing mask on her face. She dropped her hand back down, knowing she needed it from how her lungs ached with each breath, each intake raspy. 

When Yaz looked down in an attempt to assess the damage — the pain of her injuries unforgettable — she found her top half bare apart from the bandages that covered her chest, shoulder and arm, a splint securing her broken bones in place. They were speckled with blood along with the sheets underneath her which were stained more heavily, and when she glanced around, the room was a mess. Her clothes lay on the floor next to the bed she was on, surgical tools lay askew on trays around her, blood still dampening the cool metal. The Chaos that had been left around her quickly made Yaz wonder whether the person who worked on her even knew what they were doing. 

At the thought, panic began to course through her as she realised she wasn’t in her home. She was still in the village and she had no idea where. Yaz tried to sit up but the pain in her shoulder was unbearable, a groan of agony falling from her lips as she fell back down on the bed.

The door to the room opened then, one of the villagers rushing in at the noise. He was dressed in what looked like scrubs, stained with what Yaz assumed was her own blood, a worried expression on his face as he made sure she stayed still, chastising her in a language Yaz couldn’t comprehend — but she got the gist. Moving wasn’t going to help her injuries heal. 

There was a sudden sharp pinch in the crook of her elbow and when Yaz looked down she saw him injecting her with something, her mind immediately flashing back to when she first arrived. Back to when she had been poked and prodded and injected with all sorts. Her breathing picked up as her eyes pricked with tears, but even though she couldn’t understand him, the alien’s voice was comforting as he rested a hand gently on her arm, smiling in a way that communicated a sense of safety. Yaz had no choice but to believe it as she drifted off into painless bliss once more. 

* * *

It took a couple of weeks, and learning a very basic form of communication between them, but Yaz slowly started to heal, the people of the village helping her. Only some, many still far too afraid of her, but that some was enough for Yaz. She appreciated everyday they didn’t drag her back to the facility, though each prick of a needle was a sore reminder of what she went through. Her wounds healed, though her shoulder still felt a little clunky, going with the assumption there was likely some irreparable damage — not that they could tell her if there was. 

Yaz only stopped a couple more days before she made her departure back up into the forest, back to her cave, which after staying in the warm comfort of a home seemed pretty depressing, yet she refused to out stay her welcome. Before she left, they gifted her with some food and healing supplies, the boy she’d saved so long ago giving her brief hug. 

As she made her way back to her home that evening, Yaz knew from then on she would protect the village no matter what. Good people lived there, and if she couldn’t help people back on Earth anymore then she would make it her duty on Thibiea-7. 

After building a small fire and falling fast asleep, Yaz woke the next day to a dull ache in her shoulder and arm as she sat up, tugging off her shirt to reveal fresh ugly scars, red and raw, and a splint still covering her forearm. The beast had certainly left its mark on her, and she sighed in resignation at the permanent scarring of her skin. Reaching for the sack the villagers had given her, she took a couple of pills that she knew were painkillers and proceeded to stand to update the tallies on the cave wall. 

Yaz took a couple steps back to take in the amount of wall that was covered, line after line marking the stone, the draining of hope from her body with each mark that was made. 

“Am I really gonna make it four years?”

* * *

“Ok, so all I need to do, is break through this barrier, and get us back to Yaz.” the Doctor mumbled to herself as she strode around the console.

“But you  _ can  _ do it, right Doc?” Graham asked, and the Doctor swallowed hard.

“‘Course I can!” she replied, though the waver in her tone made Graham unsure of her confidence. 

“Doctor?” Ryan questioned apprehensively, anxiety pooling in the pit of his own stomach at the worried crease of the Doctor’s brow. 

“I’m gonna get her back boys, I promise. Whatever it takes.” 

The Doctor pulled back a section of the console, leaving wires and circuitry exposed before dipping her hands in and pulling tools from her pockets, tongue sticking out the side of her mouth in concentration. 

“Erm, Doc?” Graham came to stand at her side, “What exactly are you doing?” 

“Hold this for me.” she handed the older man a chunk of wiring that he handled delicately, her brows furrowing in determination as she blew a piece of hair out of her face. “I’m rewiring the steering of the TARDIS.” 

Ryan and Graham glanced at each other in concern.

“Doctor, not being funny but you aren’t exactly the best driver. What do–”   
  


“Oi!” the Doctor looked up at Ryan, obvious offense on her face, “I’m a brilliant driver thank you very much. You try steering a ship that was meant to be flown by six people all by yourself!” she chastised as she threw herself back into her work. 

“Six people?!”

“Yes,  _ why  _ do you think the console has six sides? It would be a pretty bad design flaw if it were meant for only one pilot.”

“Oh, I just thought it was you being weird.”

“Thanks, Ryan.” the Doctor replied deadpan, though he caught the hint of playfulness in her tone. 

A few angry sparks and zaps later, the Doctor’s slightly charred fingers finished their work on the console as she covered it back over, brushing her hands clean of any dirt and oil. “Right, that should do it.”

“And what exactly  _ did  _ you do?” Ryan asked, his interest piqued by the mechanics of the time ship. 

“Basically,” the Doctor started to explain, “the steering of the TARDIS is mostly me, but she also has some input, hence why sometimes we don’t end up exactly where I want us to.”

Ryan and Graham gave each other a pointed look that the Doctor missed. 

“So what I’ve done — just for the time being even though the old girl isn’t too happy about it — is made the steering  _ completely _ manual.”

“Oh my word.” Graham muttered under his breath. 

“So now,  _ hopefully,  _ I should be able to bypass whatever is stopping us from landing back on Thibiea-7, grab Yaz, fly us away and then we can all rest up and have a cup of tea. Sound good?”

“Great,” Ryan said with false enthusiasm.

“That’s if we make it through your driving first.” Graham remarked, holding onto the console with a death grip.

“Oi, will you two stop taking the mick out of my driving?” the Doctor’s hand came to rest over the lever. “Right, third time lucky.”

The lever went down and the TARDIS started up with a jolt.


	9. We’re suddenly strangers, isn’t it strange?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we back!!! 
> 
> again apologies for the two week gap but london was good!! thank you to everyone who wished me a good trip and as always thank you for all your wonderful comments they honestly keep me going <3 
> 
> thank you to my beta @timelxrd
> 
> and back into the world of Daemonium we go......

_ “Oi, will you two stop taking the mick out of my driving.” the Doctor’s hand came to rest over the lever. “Right, third time lucky.” _

_ The lever went down and the TARDIS started up with a jolt. _

* * *

The entire console room shook, the whirring of the TARDIS crackling disjointedly as it took off. The Doctor danced around the console, steely concentration plastered on her face as her fingers chose every button to press and every dial to turn with refined precision until she came to the next lever, gaze flicking between the two men. “Hold on boys, this is gonna be rough.”

Their grips tightened as she slammed the lever down and the TARDIS juddered, starting to tip, the Doctor letting out a yelp as she hung on, reaching for a dial that levelled them out. She ran around to the other side of the controls, dashing past Graham and spinning an hourglass on her way. The ship churned around them, its usual wheezing switching between screeches of protest and whirs of compliance when the Doctor managed to make progress. 

“Ok, we’re coming up on the barrier, this is where it gets tricky.”

“This ain’t tricky enough?!” Graham called out.

“Nope!” the Doctor replied, hand on the next lever, “ _ This  _ is the tricky part.” she finished, pulling it down as the TARDIS jumped beneath their feet, its occupants all nearly falling to the floor. The Doctor sped around the controls like a woman on a mission, pressing and pulling a flicking at the controls until she got to the final lever, the TARDIS still rocking uncontrollably. 

“Do you guys like rollercoasters?” she asked.

“What?!” both men replied with utter confusion.

“I said, do you guys like rollercoasters?”

“Yes?”

“No!” 

“Oh. Well good and not good.” the Doctor nodded as she smiled sympathetically at Graham.

“Why?” Ryan asked from where he held onto a pillar for dear life. 

“Because this next bit is about to feel like one.”

“Oh God.” Graham murmured as the final lever went down.

The lights of the console room flickered when they hit the barrier, going out entirely as they prepared to move through it. For a moment, it felt like time froze _—_ until the lights blinked back to life and replaced the usual warm glow of the ship with a cool deep blue that pulsed throughout the crystalline pillars.

It was then that the TARDIS  _ dropped,  _ their feet falling from under them as they cried out, stomachs shooting into their throats as they fell through the air at breakneck speed. 

“Doc  _ what  _ are you doing?!” 

“We’re falling through the atmosphere!” she shouted back over the screaming of the TARDIS’ engines as she tried to fight back against the Doctor’s erratic driving. “Falling through and phasing past the barrier at  _ just  _ the right time is the only way onto the planet!” 

“Are we gonna crash?!” Ryan called out from where he lay on the floor, arms still hugging the pillar.

“Maybe?” the Doctor chagrined, yanking herself up off the ground as she reached for a small red lever on the console, flicking it up before being thrown backwards as the ship slowly began to stabilise. She hurried to her feet, falling toward the console as the ship began to tip again, hands frantically moving over the controls as she flew the TARDIS while she groaned discordantly at her. Managing to reach over the console, a foot holding one dial in place, the Doctor slammed down one last lever as the ground was mere feet from the ship. 

* * *

Yaz was jolted from her sleep by a thunderous vibration that echoed across the plains, the ground trembling beneath her as the stone walls around her rumbled with the sound. She got to her feet, stumbling as the ground shook underneath her. She pushed deep green vines aside to step out into the humid night air, watching as the trees shook, fresh leaves falling from their branches with the force of the vibrations, animals scattering from their homes in a collective panic. Yaz could only assume the villagers were doing the same. 

She dashed back inside, slipping on her worn grieves and grabbing her belt, bow and arrow and checking her dagger was sheathed before she left to investigate, the ground finally calming beneath her feet.

Something was wrong _—_ she could feel it. In her five years of living on Thibiea-7, she had never heard a sound like it.

* * *

The TARDIS doors swung open, the Time Lord having to take a step up and out of the ship from where it had buried itself in the dirt of the hill. Ryan and Graham stumbled out after her, a little dizzy and still reeling from the crash. 

“Well that could’ve gone a lot worse!” the Doctor chirped as she looked at their surroundings, scanning the area even though they had been there not fifteen minutes before. 

“ _ A lot worse? _ Flippin’ heck Doc I thought we were done for!” Graham chided, feeling a tad queasy. 

“If there’s one thing I’m  _ not  _ gonna die doing, it’s flying my TARDIS Graham. I’ve got far too much pride for that.” 

“Oh, well that’s alright then.” he replied sarcastically, rolling his eyes as he gripped his knees to ground himself.

“Hey, Doctor?” Ryan asked from where he looked out over the village.

“Yes, Ryan?”

“Wasn’t it daytime when we left?”

The Doctor looked up at the night sky, absently playing dot to dot with the stars before focusing back on Ryan. “You’re right, it was. Must’ve landed us a little later in the day than I thought. Would explain why Yaz isn’t around.” 

“She’s gonna be mad.” Ryan sing-songed playfully, nudging the Doctor’s side.

“No she’s not!” the Doctor frowned. “She’ll understand. Yaz always understands, she’s brilliant like that. It’s only been what? A few hours? I’m sure she’s fine. I bet,” the Doctor started as they began to walk toward the village, “she’s gone back to the village to ask for help or to keep herself busy while she waits for us. Yaz is clever like that. I’m gonna give her so many points  _ and _ gold stars as an apology for all this.” the Doctor grinned as they strolled down the hill.

“Oh my days, Doctor, that is so biased.” Ryan shook his head. “I knew Yaz was your fave.” 

“She is n–”

“Oh come on, Doc! All you do at the moment is give her ‘heart eyes’ or whatever Ryan calls it.” 

“I–”

“We saw you giving her that watch you know.” Ryan grinned cheekily as the Doctor’s face flushed in the dim moonlight. 

“And what happened after that.” Graham’s eyebrows raised as he remembered watching his friends share a kiss earlier in the day. 

“You weren’t supposed to see that.” the Doctor mumbled, eyes on the ground, blush still apparent on her cheeks. 

“Sorry Doc.”

“Don’t apologise.” she responded simply. “We weren’t exactly in the most secluded space. Just didn’t realise you were near us.” she chuckled. “Think we were gonna try keep it a secret a little longer. I’m sure Yaz will be fine with it though.”

It took them a few more minutes to reach the village, though it looked a little different from a few hours before, more developed, more populated. The blue aliens that populated Thibiea-7 were slowly congregating in the main area of the village, confusion and concern plastered on their faces, some of them visibly shaken.

So of course it piqued the Doctor’s interest. 

“Hi, sorry to bother you all,” she called out as she made her way over to a small group that looked almost terrified to see them. “We just arrived. Well _—_ we were here a few hours ago I think but we’re kind of to blame for the big crash. Sorry about that.” her face scrunched apologetically as the aliens merely nodded in reply. “Anyway, we’re looking for our friend, don’t suppose you’ve seen her? Looks like us lot, about as tall as me. Her name’s Yaz.” the Doctor smiled politely as she waited for a response, though it slowly dropped at the lack of one. 

“They seem kinda scared, Doctor.” Ryan whispered in her ear. “Do you think it’s us?” 

“I don’t know.” she murmured back, moving to another group and asking the same questions to no avail, only receiving blank stares and terrified gulps in response. An eerie silence washed over the village as they continued their investigation, nerves prickling at the Doctor’s spine.

“Doc, do you think Yaz is ok?” Graham asked when the silence became too much to bare, all eyes focused on them. 

“I’m not sure. Their lack of response is worrying me.” she was tense, her jaw clenched as she began to pace. 

“Do you think she’s…” Ryan suggested, assuming the worst.

“No.” the Doctor responded sharply. “No, she can’t be.”

“Doc–”

“She’s  _ not  _ dead.” she cut Graham off, her gaze intense, only distracted when one of the aliens finally stepped forward.

“The demon.” 

The Doctor’s gaze snapped towards the alien as she strode forward with purpose. “Demon? What demon?”

“The demon that lives on the outskirts.” he responded calmly. 

“What does this demon look like?” the Doctor asked, gaze hard as she swallowed the anxiety that started to form a lump thick and heavy in her throat. 

“She’s about as tall as you. Dark skin, darker eyes, dark hair too. She looks like your species. Are you all demons too?” 

The Doctor looked behind at Ryan and Graham who both shared her worry, nervous energy radiating from both men. “Why do you call her ‘the demon?’” the Doctor spoke slowly, trying to keep as calm as she could for the two men behind her.

“Our religion prophesied a demon that would live around us. Good and bad. Fallen from above that would live among our people. Protect us in desperate times. It has all come true. She watches over us from afar now, has for a long time.” 

The Doctor could feel dread forming in the pit of her stomach, her hearts racing as she processed the alien’s words.  _ ‘has for a long time.’  _ “When you say ‘a long time,’ how long? How long has the demon been here?”

The Doctor knew they were talking about Yaz, the description matched, the demon’s protective nature matched, and she knew the alien’s response to her question could just well be her undoing. 

“Ten moon rotations.”

All the oxygen left the Doctor’s body as her knees almost gave out at the realisation, Graham and Ryan reaching out to grab her before she fell to the floor.

“Doc!”

“Doctor, what’s wrong?! Ten moon rotations? What does that mean?” Ryan asked in a rush, desperate to find out what had happened to their friend. 

The Doctor turned where she stood on shaky legs, holding onto their arms with a white knuckled grip as she stared right through them, barely able to look them in the eye as guilt already began consuming her form. “Five years.” she murmured, voice trembling.

“What?”

The Doctor finally looked up, meeting their gazes as her own welled up with tears. “I left Yaz here,  _ alone _ , for five years.”

* * *

As Yaz got close to the village the silence that surrounded it was deafening. She’d assumed it would be loud with panic, yet instead the quiet that loomed over it was unnerving as she made her way to the main street of the small civilisation. She quickly noticed the crowd huddled in the middle of the square, quietly murmuring to themselves in a language she could _—_ understand? 

She took a few curious steps closer, the sound of her feet against the hard ground ricocheting off the buildings around her and into the crowd as they started to notice her, heads turning one by one. The muffled voices dissipated into complete silence as she got closer, only adding to Yaz’s confusion and the tension she could feel hardening throughout her body, thick in the air around her. When she was only a few feet from the crowd, they began to part, making a path down the middle, more and more of the villagers moving out the way to slowly reveal three figures on the other side.

It was only when the last lot of villagers moved out of the way that Yaz could see who it was. In front of her, stood Ryan, Graham, and the Doctor. She froze, breath catching in her throat at the sight of them. She blinked,  _ hard _ , thinking it all a dream _—_ yet when she opened her eyes, they were still there. 

After what felt like  _ hours _ , the silence consuming the village practically unbearable, the Doctor finally stepped forward, only one word, one name, feebly slipping past her lips. 

“Yaz?” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i await your screams in the comments xoxo


	10. The villains on my list, they're what turned me into this

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope y'all are ready for this because this chapter too me SO LONG to write just because i wanted to get this reunion right. i really hope i did it justice and that you all enjoy it!! (as best you can anyway with how angsty this chapter is) 
> 
> also just wanna say a big THANK YOU to everyone that has stuck with this story and continuously commented, your support means the world to me to see how much you're loving this fic!!! 
> 
> and thank you to @timlxrd as always for being my lovely beta and helping me out with this one <3 <3

_ “Yaz?”  _

* * *

All Yaz could do was stare, frozen to the spot as the three figures moved toward her, the Doctor at the helm. Her brain could barely process what was happening, refusing to believe the people storming toward her were actually there, her body reacting on instinct when they got close.

She backed away. 

Her step back made the Doctor pause, panic and confusion and a mix of about a hundred other emotions contorting her features. “Yaz?”

“Keep away from me.” Yaz heard herself speak, though it didn’t feel like she’d spoken those words. 

“Yaz it’s me. It’s us. I promise I’m–”

“No.” Yaz took another step back when the Doctor took one forward. 

“What?”

“No.” Her voice shook. “It’s not you. It  _ can’t  _ be you.” 

Every step back Yaz took, another shaky breath fell past her lips, limbs trembling with the slow realisation that the people in front of her might  _ actually _ be there. The Doctor continued to follow her forward, her pleading becoming desperate. 

“Yaz, it  _ is  _ me. I promise, I really do. Look!” the Doctor gestured to herself, “It’s me. I’m real. I’m  _ here.  _ All three of us are.” 

Yaz paused, taking initiative and standing her ground as she swallowed hard, pushing all her anxieties aside to allow for the possibility that the three people in front of her  _ weren’t  _ just a sick figure of her imagination.

Her eyes narrowed, gaze piercing into what  _ could  _ be the Doctor. “Prove it.”

The Doctor took a step forward, then another, and another, until she was inches from Yaz, her expression sullen and remorseful as her fingers twitched at her side. Her eyes glazed over with an unspoken sadness as her arms raised, fingers nearing Yaz’s temple. “If you need proof, I can give it to you, but I need to do this, ok?” the Doctor pleaded, sighing dejectedly when she received no response from Yaz but a continuing glare that burned into her skull. 

So the Doctor did the only thing she could. She pressed her fingers to Yaz’s temples and pushed herself into the younger woman's mind, though what she saw almost made her retract her hands immediately. The Time Lord managed to compose herself, fingers twitching against Yaz’s temples as she stayed planted to the spot. The Doctor pushed memories into Yaz’s head, past times of tentative kisses and the exchanging of a watch that meant so much.

Yet, with telepathy being a two way street, five harrowing years of Yaz’s memories threw themselves into her mind.

A cell, torture, a guard, a scalpel, a dead man _—_ by the hands of Yasmin Khan.

That was all the Doctor could take, the guilt already festering deep in her mind and heavy on her chest as she yanked her hands away. At the same time, Yaz pushed back _—_ the invasion of her mind too much to handle as she stumbled back and fell to the ground, dust kicking up around her, her chest heaving and heart racing with the realisation that  _ the Doctor  _ stood in front of her after five  _ painfully long  _ years _.  _ Yaz felt dampness in the corner of her eyes that soon trickled down her cheeks, hot and angry as a hand flew out to halt the Doctor in her tracks when she stepped forward once more.

“No!” Yaz screamed, rage seeping deep into her bones, all her thoughts of what she would do if she saw the Doctor again crashing to the forefront of her mind. “Get away from me!” 

“Yaz–” the Doctor was desperate.

“How  _ dare  _ you!” she barked as she stumbled to her feet, stepping back further. “How  _ dare  _ you think you can just  _ come  _ here after five years and do that!”

“Yaz,  _ please  _ I needed you to understand it was us, let me help you!” the Doctor pleaded, her voice trembling.

“Help me?” Yaz laughed bitterly, malice dripping from her tone. “You think you can help me? After you left me…  _ alone —  _ for five years?!” she huffed as she shook her head. “No. Forget it. I don’t want to see you, any of you.” she paused, selfishly relishing in the devastated look on the Doctor’s face. “I  _ hate _ you.” she spat. “I want you to leave.” 

Turning her back on old friends, Yaz stormed away, thunder crackling in her mind as she left them to wallow in the mess they’d made of their broken relationship.

“Yaz, wait!” the Doctor cried out, running toward Yaz until she whipped back around when the footsteps got too close, rage twisted on her features with such hostility that the Time Lord froze on the spot.

“ _ Don’t _ follow me!” Yaz snapped before continuing her venture home. 

With her back now turned as she left them all behind, Yaz didn’t see the Doctor drop to her knees, Ryan and Graham rushing to her aid.

“Doc?”

“What have I done?” the Doctor uttered weakly as she watched Yaz leave them in the dust. Though whether she was talking to herself or the boys, the Doctor wasn’t sure.

* * *

It had fallen deeper into the night when the Doctor finally decided to disregard Yaz’s harsh request. The stars shone bright behind the Doctor, Ryan and Graham as they made their way out of the village and toward Yaz’s home, following her trail with a scan of the sonic. The heavy moonlight was blocked out by the canopies of the trees they walked under, the shadows masking the upset and determination on the Doctor’s face as her head hung low. The Doctor strode a few paces ahead as the boys struggled to keep up, Ryan tripping over a couple of tree roots in the limited light, Graham by his side to catch him each time before he hit the ground. 

“Doc, I know you wanna get to her, but maybe slow down a little bit? We can barely see where we’re going here!” Graham called out, hoping to grasp the Doctor’s attention. 

Luckily, he did, the Time Lord slowing to a stop as she turned to face her companions. She nodded her head and swallowed hard, eyes struggling to meet either man’s. “Right. Sorry… I just _–_ ” she sighed, hand running down her face, unsure of how to vocalise her racing thoughts, her head finally lifting a little at the feeling of a hand on her shoulder. It was Graham’s.

“Doc, you’ve barely said a word since Yaz left us in the village. This has been a shock. To all of us. And I can see how devastated you are, you’re no good at hiding it. But we need a plan of action for when we next see her. You can’t just storm in there and pile apology after apology on top of her, because honestly? It’s gonna take much more than that now. This is something you’re gonna have to handle with delicacy and  _ a lot  _ of care.” Both Graham’s hands rested on her shoulders now as he caught her gaze, “We know how we’re all feeling about this. But imagine how she feels.” he stated, pointing behind her. 

“Plan of action. Right. Yes. Of course.” the Doctor stepped away from Graham as she began to pace back and forth, hands resting on her hips. “I just have to hope she’ll let me explain why we couldn’t get back here.  _ Why  _ the time streams messed up. Try my best to keep the situation calm. She has every right to be mad at me I–” she paused, watery eyes catching Graham’s. “God Graham I can’t believe I’ve done this to her. She’s gonna hate me. Forever! And I don’t even blame her.”

“Doctor,” Ryan spoke up, “this is Yaz we’re talking about. She won’t hate you forever. It might seem like she hates you right now and yeah it’s gonna take time but _—_ deep down, she loves you.” 

The Doctor swallowed back her tears, though her voice still wavered. “I hope to every God in existence you’re right Ryan, because I don’t know if I can deal with Yaz hating me forever.”

* * *

She was glad the Doctor, Graham and Ryan hadn’t followed. It had given her a chance to calm down. Not that she’d calmed down  _ that much _ in retrospect. She was still furious. She knew she would be angry if she ever saw the Doctor again but she’d never felt anything like this. When she realised it really  _ was  _ her _—_ it was like she saw red. 

Yaz knew the Doctor wouldn’t stay away though. She knew her too well to think otherwise. Which is why she found herself pacing her cave, preparing herself for their inevitable arrival. Yaz liked to think that maybe she would be a little calmer this time, having seen her once, maybe the second time wouldn’t be as bad. Yet, as soon as she heard three pairs of footsteps approaching, the rage that had dissipated soon oozed back into every fibre of her being, so hot and raw but a little different from last time. This wasn’t an anger that would explode outwards in shouting and screaming. 

She felt calm. So angry, that she was calm. And she knew that was the most dangerous anger of them all. 

_ Good _ . She thought. It was what the Doctor deserved. 

The footsteps went silent outside, hushed whispers catching on the light breeze that snuck its way between the vines that protected her from the outside. It was Yaz that reacted first, stepping forward and pushing the vines aside, catching the Doctor’s gaze where she froze as she bore a glare into her skull that was so intense the Doctor couldn’t hold it for more than a second. 

“Well?” Yaz’s brow lifted, “Are you going to come in or were you just going to stand outside whispering about me all night?” she snapped, putting them all on edge instantly. Exactly the way Yaz wanted it. Her invite wasn’t supposed to be friendly. It was a challenge _—_ and the Doctor had accepted. 

The Time Lord stepped past Yaz and inside, her eyes roaming the walls, taking in every single mark that had been engraved into them. 

“Oh my days,” Yaz heard Ryan whisper under his breath and Yaz knew immediately they were all doing the same. They were all bearing witness to  _ just  _ how long she had spent on Thibiea-7. 

“Yaz…” the Doctor trailed off, jaw hanging loose as anguish flooded her eyes. The Doctor stepped up to the cave wall, the pad of her finger tracing over just  _ one _ of the hundreds of lines that marked it, “Are these–”

“Yep.” Yaz answered curtly, already knowing what the question would be. “I kept count of every single day you didn’t come back for me.  _ All  _ 1887 of them.”

“Yaz, please you have to let me ex–”

“You know I really thought you were coming for me.” Yaz interrupted, moving to stand in front of the Doctor, holding the Time Lord’s gaze, one that continually faltered under Yaz’s scrutiny. “I managed to hold onto the hope that you would for a good couple of years. Hoped that one day you would just pop up and save me. And yeah _—_ you may be here now, but you’re about three years too late.” Yaz’s voice rose slightly as she continued, “Because I had hope back then. Back then, I might not have hated you as much as I do  _ right now _ . That’s all I’m feeling for you, Doctor.  _ Hate _ .”

“Yaz–”

“ _Don’t_ interrupt me.” Yaz snarled and the Doctor’s jaw fell shut as her eyes glazed over with a dampness that wanted to spill over, though she fought it back for now. “Since you abandoned me here, I’ve been through so much shit. God knows how many times I’ve nearly died thanks to _you_ dumping me here and yes, you _are_ to blame for everything I’ve been through. A good chunk of my time here has been like hell, you know? Though I’m sure you do from how you stuck yourself in my head earlier.”

“I’m sorry. I never usually do that without full consent but I was so desperate for you to understand it was me.” the Doctor paused for a moment as she took a breath, trying to keep her emotions in check, trying to remember Graham’s words, “I saw what happened _—_ in the facility.”

Both women’s gazes locked onto one another, and the Doctor watched as Yaz swallowed, the memories flickering through both their minds. “I understand _—_ why you did it. I don’t blame you, Yaz. I–”

“I don’t need your approval, Doctor. I was forced to make that choice because  _ you  _ left me here. What I did _—_ that’s on  _ you. _ ” Yaz bit back, the Doctor’s gaze breaking away on the final word as she slowly nodded.

“I know…” the Doctor looked up, guilt consuming her features, “I’m sorry.”

Yaz crossed her arms. “I don’t accept your apology. I don’t accept any of them.”

The Doctor’s eyes were wide with grief as Yaz spoke. Grief for her lost relationship with Yaz as she scrambled desperately to salvage what she could of their broken bond, Graham’s tactic of trying to stay calm flying out the proverbial window. “Yaz  _ please _ , you have to understand this was a mistake! I would  _ never  _ do this to you on–”

“Why should I believe you, Doctor?”

“Yaz you’ve travelled with me for long enough to know I–”

“And then you left me for five years.”

“Yaz, if I’d have known, I would’ve–”

“Five years, Doctor.” 

The tears that the Doctor had tried to keep at bay started leaking from her eyes now, desperation clutching so tightly at her hearts she was almost suffocating in her plea to get Yaz to understand. 

The Doctor took a step forward, “Yaz, I swear to you–”

Yaz took a step back, “Five years.”

“Yaz,  _ please, _ ” the Doctor’s voice wobbled, “After what we shared, how could I–”

“Five. Years.”

Ryan and Graham could barely watch the scene before them, the shattered relationship unfolding before them cracking their heavy hearts more and more with every second that passed. 

“Yaz–” the Doctor’s voice sounded weak, pathetic, whereas Yaz’s held strong.

“Five. Years.” 

“Tell me what to do, Yaz.” the Doctor begged, more tears sliding down her cheeks. “Tell me how to make this right, I want to make this right.”

“Leave.” Yaz stated coldly, though her eyes were glossy and a lump formed in her throat that she resolutely swallowed. Why did she feel like crying? Was it out of frustration? Sadness? Loss? She didn’t care to process it right now.

“Wha–” 

“I said leave!” Yaz shouted, her resolve waning, her cool anger turning hot and ferocious in a way she couldn’t stop. “Leave. Again. Like you did FIVE YEARS AGO.” Yaz stepped forward then, only enough so that her arms could rise and push hard against the Doctor’s shoulders, the Time Lord stumbling back with the force. 

“Yaz I can’t le–”

“You did it before. Huh?! So why not again now?!”

“You  _ know  _ why Yaz, please!” 

“NO. You  _ left _ me.” Yaz spat as she pushed at the Doctor again, who made no move to push back, taking everything Yaz threw at her. She felt deserving of it all. 

“Left me on my own for five  _ fucking  _ years!” Yaz could feel dampness on her cheeks that she ignored in her anger as it exploded from the box she’d tucked it away in. 

“Yaz I’m sor–”

“I  _ don’t  _ want your apologies, Doctor.” Yaz snarled, spitting the Doctor’s name like it was poison on her tongue as she pushed at her again, the Time Lord falling back against Ryan and Graham who supported her almost fall. “And here.” Yaz rummaged in the pouch that hung from her belt, pulling out a watch that the Doctor could never forget. “Keep it.” The watch smacked against the Doctor’s chest with a hard thud, hitting the ground with a quiet crack as the Doctor dropped to her knees to pick it out of the dirt, dejection coiling tight behind her eyes at the sight of the now fractured glass. 

“You still had it?” the Doctor whispered, her voice as broken as the watch face that stared back at her. 

“Yes. And I wore it. For three years. Out of hope I guess, that you were coming back. But I gave up on it. Almost threw it into the lake but I thought I’d prefer to give it back to you if I ever saw you again. So you could see  _ just  _ how much you failed me.” Yaz’s lip pulled into a small smirk at the comment, revelling in the devastation she saw contorted on the Doctor’s features. She didn’t care if it was selfish of her, or if it was cruel. It was what the Doctor deserved. “Now… get out.” Yaz’s eyes were filled with fury, her expression as hard as stone as the Doctor looked up at her from where her knees rested in the dirt, cheeks damp with somber tears. 

“Doc…” Graham whispered behind her, a hand coming to rest lightly on her shoulder. “Come on, let's give her some space.” 

Ryan and Graham helped her up off the ground, the Doctor’s bleak gaze never leaving Yaz as they pulled her away, her body barely responding as she did nothing but focus on the woman she’d failed.

“Don’t come back.” Yaz snapped as the vines finally hid her from view of the three travellers.

Ryan and Graham’s grip released on their friend’s arms and she plummeted to the ground, elbows resting on her knees as her head hung low, eyes burning into the watch that she gripped so tightly her knuckles were white. 

“Doctor?” Ryan crouched down and Graham followed suit, calling out to her when his grandson received no response. 

“Doc?” 

The Doctor finally looked up then, her expression defeated, eyes still leaking. She looked distraught _—_ broken, and it terrified both men, their worry increasing tenfold when she eventually spoke. 

“I don’t know what to do.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> EEEEEKKKKKKKKK safe to say shit went down???
> 
> please let me know what you thought of this chapter, i'd love to hear your thoughts as this was a BIG MOMENT <3


	11. True friends stab you in the front

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> another hefty chapter of ANGST for ya. don't think i'm gonna make this easy!! 
> 
> hope this can work as a little distraction from all the shit going on in the world right now <3
> 
> thank u to my beta @timelxrd

It was dawn when Yaz heard noise outside. After seeing the Doctor again and forcing her out of her home, Yaz had spent the rest of the night reading back over her old diaries. She pitied her past self, pitied the hope that was scrawled on the pages _—_ watched as it slowly leaked from the ink as time went on until none remained and pen met parchment for a final time. 

The sound of footsteps approaching was what Yaz heard. It forced her up and off her bed and on the defence immediately. She knew who it would be, and she refused to show a single ounce of vulnerability in front of her. 

Vines swung as the Doctor burst between them, Graham and Ryan on her tail and Yaz wanted to do nothing but roll her eyes at what was inevitably their second attempt to get her to go with them. So she did. The Doctor frowned in response, determination setting like stone behind her eyes. It was then Yaz remembered something both her and the Doctor had in common _—_ an extremely stubborn streak. 

“We’re not leaving without you.” the Doctor stated, lips pulled tight.

Yaz shrugged, “Guess you’re gonna be stuck here ‘till I die then.” 

“Yaz…” the Doctor’s frown deepened in disapproval at her blunt response.

“What? You’re the ones that clearly want to stay here with me too. I told you before Doctor. I  _ hate  _ you. I want nothing to do with you. I want you to  _ leave _ .”

“Well,” the Doctor flung her arms out wide, “I’m not.” 

Yaz groaned in annoyance, ready to add to the point of how she was very much not leaving when Ryan spoke first. “We’re not leaving without you, Yaz. We care too much for you to do that. You gotta let the Doctor explain how all this happened. We  _ didn’t _ let this happen on purpose.” 

“I have no intention of believing a single thing any of you say.” Yaz said, arms folding in a defensive stance, defending her heart. The people in front of her had already shattered it enough, she didn’t need anymore pieces to try and fail at picking up. 

The Doctor sighed, pain contorting her features as her brain swarmed with a thousand different things to say until it finally focused on one. The one thing that might just convince Yaz to come home. 

“Your family, Yaz,” the Doctor spoke softly. “Think about your family. If you don’t come home for us. At least come home for them.”

Yaz’s face fell, her hardened exterior cracking under the weight of the realisation the Doctor had just dropped on her.  _ How could she have forgotten? _ So caught up in her rage for the woman in front of her that she had  _ forgot _ . She could see her family again. 

At Yaz’s falter, the Doctor snatched up the opportunity to dig further, to weasel her way between the cracks of Yaz’s defenses, “I mean it’s gonna take some explaining, but you can go  _ home,  _ Yaz. To your family. To Najia, to Hakim, to Sonya, to Umbreen. You wanna hate me forever, then…” the Doctor gulped, eyes glazing over with a sheen of moisture as she pushed on, “then  _ fine _ . I just want you to be safe, and home, and happy again. If you can’t be happy with me _—_ be happy with your family.” 

Yaz could feel her resolve crumbling. She could  _ actually  _ see her family again.  _ See  _ them,  _ touch  _ them,  _ hear  _ them. It just meant biting the bullet and going with the Doctor. Her eyes were damp and she could feel the slight tremble of her bottom lip as Graham spoke. 

“Come on, Yaz. Come home.” He smiled softly, in the way that used to reassure her. It didn’t do that anymore. 

“ _ How _ am I supposed to explain this?” Yaz snapped, eyes flicking back to the Doctor with a glare. “Because this is your doing–”

“I know.”

“Your fault–”

“I know.”

“And you standing there accepting it  _ doesn’t  _ make it any better or make me hate you any less.”

“Yaz, don’t you think I know that? I know I’ve messed up.  _ Really  _ royally messed up in a way I don’t even know  _ how  _ to fix. We can figure out how to explain this to your family, but right now _—_ I just want to get you off this planet and get you home,” the Doctor finished softly, a small smile pulling at her lips, eyes practically pleading with Yaz to accept her offer. 

“ _ I’ll  _ figure out how to explain it all. Just because you’re my only way back to them doesn’t mean I want anything to do with you,” Yaz retorted and the Doctor deflated.

“Right.” She nodded, tight lipped until she quickly perked up in sudden realisation. “Wait, does that mean _—_ you’re coming? You’re gonna come home?” the Doctor tried and failed to suppress the grin that tugged at her lips, ignoring Yaz’s scoff and frown, too elated to care. 

“...Yes.”

“Brilliant!”

“But  _ only  _ because you’re the only way I can get home. If I had the option I wouldn’t be going back with you.” Yaz’s arms stayed folded, her frown unwavering, refusing to show any of the excitement that currently buzzed through her entire being at the realisation she was going to see her family again. 

There wasn’t much for Yaz to pack up, in fact there wasn’t anything at all. Anything she owned was purely for survival. She didn’t even want to take her diary, the memories inscribed on the parchment things she’d rather forget. So she burned it. 

They left the cave that Yaz had called home for five years for the last time, her presence forever engraved into its walls, and headed toward the village. There was only one person Yaz cared to say goodbye to.

The Doctor, Ryan and Graham hung back as Yaz knocked on a door, the person behind it recognising Yaz instantly and almost jumping out of their deep blue skin when Yaz spoke and she could understand. 

“Hi.” Yaz said awkwardly, “Is, um, sorry, after all this time I never knew your son’s name.”

“Taulan.”

“Is Taulan in? I just wanted to say goodbye.”

“Goodbye?” the mother asked, confused.

“Yes. I’m going home. Back to my own planet.”

“You’re leaving?” a quiet voice sounded from inside the house and the mother moved to one side to reveal Taulan.

Yaz kneeled down to his level with a sad smile. “Yeah. I am. And now that we can finally understand each other, I just wanted to say, thank you. For giving me food, for saving my life, for caring for me when that beast attacked your village.” Yaz leaned in then, her voice low, “And between you and me, you were one of the few things that has made this place bearable.” 

Taulan laughed at that, though his eyes portrayed sadness, “And thank you,” he replied. “You saved my life too. So thank you.” he suddenly rushed forward, wrapping Yaz in a hug that almost knocked her back. She quickly returned it, squeezing tight as she let a tear slip down her cheek. “I wish we could’ve understood each other sooner.” Taulan spoke, his voice muffled into her shoulder. 

Yaz pulled back, holding him at arm's length as she gave him a watery smile, “Me too, Taulan. Me too.” After one more brief hug Yaz stood, giving Taulan’s mother a small smile before turning to walk away. 

“Demon!” the mother suddenly shouted, and Yaz flinched as she turned back, not used to the english translation of the name they had given her. “Thank you. For protecting us all. For saving my son, even though I didn’t believe you.”

Yaz simply nodded and gave her a kind smile in return. “It’s ok.” 

She walked away for the final time then, not looking back as she left the village behind, its residents watching as she went. 

The walk back to the TARDIS was tense, the Doctor practically vibrating with anxious energy, desperate to speak to Yaz, though she didn’t know what to say. Desperate to touch her, yet unprepared for rejection. So the silence remained, lingering uncomfortably until the blue box came into sight, half of it stuck in the ground. 

Yaz huffed out a small laugh, though it lacked any hint of humour. “Do you know how many times I dreamed about that sight?” she spoke maliciously, nobody sure of how to respond, so she answered for them. “Too many.”

The Doctor’s gaze flicked up to her from where it focused on the ground, and Yaz refused to meet it, yet she could feel the sadness of it bore into her. They stopped at the doors, the Doctor unlocking them with trembling hands and holding it open for Yaz to enter, all of them letting the younger woman head in first. 

“She not gonna fly off without me this time then?” Yaz quipped cruelly, the Doctor’s gaze falling as guilt crashed down on her.

“No,” she mumbled quietly and Yaz scoffed, taking a step down into the TARDIS, heading inside for the first time in five years. 

She heard the others drop down into the ship behind her as her gaze wandered around the console room, excited beeping and whirring echoing around the room at her presence. Yaz hoped she was giving off a hostile energy, the ship had no right to act happy to see her. 

The door creaked shut behind her, and suddenly Yaz felt trapped. She started to panic, but didn’t let it show, covering it up with attitude. “So you getting me home? I want off this ship as soon as possible.” she said curtly, watching as the Doctor shrunk in on herself over the controls. 

“Sheffield, here we come.” she responded without any of her usual flare. There was no dance around the console as the Doctor steered the ship, her movements were stiff, and it looked wrong but Yaz wasn’t supposed to care. So she didn’t. 

When they landed, Yaz flinched at the wheezing and groaning that had haunted her dreams for so long, though she anticipated the thud that meant she could leave. As soon as it sounded, she was on the move, heading toward the doors with purpose, eager to get off the ship that had left her behind five years ago. 

“Yaz, wait!” The sound of boots hitting the ground in quick succession bounced off the walls until a hand grabbed Yaz’s upper arm, the younger woman shrugging it off instantly. 

“Get off me, Doctor.” Yaz snarled, hurt contorting the Doctor’s features.

“Yaz, you’ve got to let me come with you, let me help explain this to your family. I know you’re eager to get home and I get that, I really do. But it’s been five years, stepping out those doors, it’s going to be  _ a lot _ . I just want you  _ and _ them to understand this whole situation.”

“Bit more than  _ just _ a situation, Doctor. More like a massive  _ fuck up. _ ” Yaz snapped, venom dripping from her tone. 

“Okay, yes, you’re right. It is a massive–”

“Fuck up.” Yaz finished for her and the Doctor sighed despondently.

“Yes. But for their sake and yours, I just want you to be able to process this all properly _—_ together.”

“ _ Or _ , you just wanna make sure you don’t come across as the bad guy,” Yaz jabbed.

“No! Yaz it's not that. You  _ know  _ that.”

“Do I?”

“Yes. Deep down you do. Look,” the Doctor let out a breath through her nose. “I understand this anger, it’s hot and fresh and new but it’s also had the chance to fester for five years inside you. You don’t want to hear me right now, but I’m hearing you. I’ll always look out for you, Yaz. No matter what. I know somewhere deep inside you want to know why this happened. How this happened _—_ truthfully. And I’ll be ready to explain it all when you are.” Her hands go to reach out for Yaz’s but she pauses, pulling them back to shove in her pockets, “I just– I want to help you all deal with this the best I can.”

Yaz’s frown deepened, her upper lip twitching, “Don’t try and psychoanalyse me, Doctor.” she spat, and the Doctor’s brow creased in upset, anguish glistening in her eyes. 

“Yaz…” the Doctor spoke softly, trying to reach out a final olive branch, one that Yaz quickly snapped.

“No.” Yaz took a step closer to the doors, “Stay away from me, Doctor.” 

The TARDIS doors slammed shut before the Doctor could speak again, her shoulders slumping in defeat. After a moment, the boys came to stand each side of her, both reaching out in comfort they weren’t quite sure how to give, comfort they weren’t sure would even work. “I’m sorry, Doc.”

“She’ll come around _—_ eventually.” Ryan tried to speak hopefully, though the skeptical nature of his tone did little to help her dejection.

Outside of deep blue doors, Yaz strode along the corridor to her flat, counting the numbers as she went, nerves creeping into every crevice of her form with every step closer. The Sheffield air had been invigorating and she thought she might cry when she stepped out the TARDIS doors to see  _ home _ , but none of it compared to the sight of the front door to her flat. Her  _ home _ . Her hand came up and fell, once, twice,  _ three times _ , before she finally knocked, the anticipation almost killing her as she heard footsteps move about inside. The sound of her mum’s muffled voice behind the wood almost set her off there and then, but it was the sight of Najia Khan swinging the door open with a smile on her face that sent the tears falling.

Najia’s smile suddenly fell at the sight of tears falling down her daughter’s face. “Yaz? Are you alright? What’s wrong?” 

Yaz flung herself at her mum, arms wrapping tightly around her neck and Najia fell back a step at the force, arms curling around her daughter’s waist. “Yaz?”

“I missed you.” Yaz sobbed into her mum’s neck. “So much.” 


	12. It feels like there's oceans between you and me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this lockdown is fucking me up because i completely forgot it was the day that i upload a new chapter of this fic LMAO i've honest to god lost track of the days
> 
> so thank my lovely beta @timelxrd and the conversation i was having with her for reminding me LGKFJGSLKJFGKLJ
> 
> (also u may have noticed there is a final chapter number AAAHHHHH)

“I can’t  _ not  _ help explain this!” the Doctor exclaimed, arms flying up in the air as she stepped away from the boys, eyes glued to the TARDIS doors. “Does her family even know where she goes when she travels with me?” she finally turned, her brow lifting in expectation of an answer.

Ryan worried his lip before speaking. “I don’t think so, no.”

“So how —  _ how  _ — does she think she’s going to explain this without me there to help her? To be the proof of all this.”

“I don’t know, Doc. But you going up there ain’t exactly gonna help either.” Graham remarked.

The Doctor’s feet itched to move, to take the step towards the deep blue doors of the TARDIS and head straight for Yaz’s flat. To help explain this complete and utter mess to her family. Yet they also itched to run away far into the depths of the TARDIS. To isolate herself away and wallow in her own self pity, to punch a wall until her knuckles turned red, to scream and scream and  _ scream  _ in anger at herself until her voice was hoarse and her throat felt like razors. 

Her gaze flicked back and forth, between the doors and the steps. To Yaz, or to her mind. Neither was better than the other.

The doors — or the steps. 

* * *

“Mum,” Yaz sighed as she stood from the sofa, upset and frustration building behind her eyes as she ran a hand down her tired face, “I know, this all sounds ridiculous and impossible but you  _ have  _ to believe me!”

“Yaz, you have to see this from my perspective too, sweetheart,” Najia spoke, the gentle tone and unending patience in her voice melting Yaz’s hardened exterior. “You’re telling me — even though I only saw you two days ago — that you’ve actually been gone for five years, that you were surviving on your own, on a  _ different planet, _ that the Doctor left you on. The Doctor, who you are saying travels around time and space in a  _ police box. _ ”

Hearing her mum say it out loud, Yaz knew it sounded ridiculous, but she was nothing if not stubborn. “Yes.”

Najia frowned, swallowing hard. “...Right.”

Yaz felt disheartened at the response, shrinking in on herself even though a part of her expected the response. “You don’t believe me.” 

“I–” Najia let out a sharp breath as her gaze fell to the floor, then back to Yaz. “Surely, Yaz, you’ve got to understand that it doesn’t exactly  _ sound  _ easy to believe.” she stood then, level with her daughter, eyes scanning her features closely. “I mean, yes, you  _ do look  _ a little older. But then you also look exhausted and that could be aging you. And the clothes… I suppose–”

“You think I just rocked up in these for a laugh?” Yaz barked, regretting it instantly at the shock on her mother’s face.

“No, of course not! I was  _ going  _ to say that it is — odd, for you to show up in something like that. I just–” Najia sighed, taking one of Yaz’s hands in her own, “What do you want me to say, Yaz?” 

Yaz could feel herself welling up again, somewhere in the back of her mind in the far  _ far  _ distance, she almost wished the Doctor were here to help explain it, help prove it. Though she nipped that thought in the bud instantly. 

_ Prove it _ . She just needed to prove it. 

“You want proof?” Yaz asked, eyes locking with Najia’s as she drew her hand away. “Fine. I’ll give you proof.” 

Face set like stone, Yaz began undressing, taking a breath before pulling her top over her head to reveal barely faded bite marks on her arm, still raised claw marks lining her shoulder and an array of smaller scars littering her upper body.

Yaz hated every single one of them. Every mark a cruel reminder of the time she’d spent on Thibiea-7. She watched as her mother’s face changed, morphing into something of pure horror at the state of her daughter’s skin, mouth opening and closing at a loss of what to say — of where to start.

“Yaz… what happened to you?”

“Do you believe me now?” Yaz asked, catching her mother’s eyes, both women fighting back tears. “How could I have got all these over two days — I couldn’t have. It’s impossible. You  _ know  _ that.”

“I–” Najia’s gaze dropped to the particularly nasty scar on Yaz’s shoulder, three jagged lines of the beast’s claws that had caused her agony as they’d ripped through her flesh. When Naija’s eyes finally met Yaz’s again, tears fell. “You’re telling the truth.”

Yaz caved then, her mum’s belief smashing through the walls she’d been building for the past five years as a choked sob left her lips and tears spilled over. Najia quickly wrapped her in a warm hug, holding her tight as she stroked a gentle hand through long dark tresses, letting Yaz bury her head in the crook of her neck to take in the comforting scent of her mum’s perfume. They dropped back down to the sofa, still holding each other while Najia’s jumper turned damp with Yaz’s tears as she ran soothing circles over her daughter’s back. 

It wasn’t long before the front door clicked open and Sonya walked into the room ready to greet her mum, pausing at the sight before her. Frowning in confusion she went to speak up but a silent shake of Najia’s head forced her mouth back shut, Yaz barely even noticing the other presence through her pain. 

It was only when two mugs of tea were placed on the coffee table in front of them that Yaz lifted her head — eyes red and puffy, cheeks marked with tear stains — to see her sister for the first time in five years. She looked exactly the same apart from the crease of worry in her brow and it set Yaz off again as she leapt up off the sofa and into her sister’s arms, Sonya almost falling back with the force of Yaz’s strength. 

Sonya wrapped her arms around her sister’s waist as she sobbed into her neck, confusion still written over her features. “Erm… what’s this all about?” she asked worriedly, eyes on Najia over Yaz’s shoulder. 

Najia reached out, placing a calming hand over Sonya’s, “We’ll explain in a minute, love.” 

And they did, much to Sonya’s initial disbelief. Yet, as soon as Yaz showed her what she’d shown Najia, there was no room for doubt. 

Yaz talked to them about her time on Thibiea-7, but only what she wanted to share, keeping some of the darker parts to herself no matter how much her mum and sister initially pressed, quickly taking note of Yaz’s discomfort around certain subjects. It was while they were talking that there was a knock on the door that set Yaz on edge. Najia noticed.

“It’s ok, sweetheart it’ll probably just be your dad. I bet he forgot his keys again. I keep telling him to leave them on the hook when he comes in.” Najia said as she stood and made her way over to the door.

What she wasn’t expecting, was to open it to the Doctor. 

“Naj–”

“No.” Najia’s tone was as cold as ice when she spoke, her sharpness slicing through anything the Doctor intended to say. 

“Najia I just want to–”

“How dare you,” Najia interrupted. “How  _ dare _ you come to our home after what you’ve put my daughter through. Leaving her on that planet for five years, alone. Have you seen her body, Doctor? It’s  _ covered  _ in scars.  _ Covered. _ My daughter. You let that happen to  _ my _ daughter. And that’s just the physical scars, I dread to think of the mental ones this stunt of yours has left her with.” 

The Doctor swallowed hard, watching as Najia’s eyes welled up with sadness and fury before she spoke again. “So you believe her?” she asked just above a whisper, gaze focused on the ground before briefly flicking up to catch Najia’s eyes.

“I do. Took a bit of convincing but yes, we believe her — and that includes what you did.” 

“I didn’t–”

“I don’t want to see you  _ near  _ my home ever again. None of us do, my daughter especially. I’ll make sure she stays  _ far _ away from you. You’re poisonous, Doctor. Now get away from my flat.” 

“Najia please–”

“Leave!” she shouted, sharp and angry and leaving no room for a change of heart. 

The Doctor couldn’t stop the tear that slipped from her cheek at the brutal rejection, wiping it away too slow, though Najia’s piercing glare was unfaltering as she disregarded the Doctor’s devastation. 

“Ok,” the Doctor barely uttered, her voice cracking as she nodded slowly, “Ok.” she repeated as she took a step back. She couldn’t hold Najia’s gaze any longer, taking another step away before slowly heading away from the flat. Away from Najia, from Yaz, from a place that once felt like safety. Now it was full of hostility. 

The Doctor couldn’t bring herself to look at her reflection in the dirty mirror of the lift as it travelled down, too consumed by self hatred and how badly she’d fucked everything up. She knew this wasn’t just affecting her and Yaz, this would affect Yaz’s family, it would affect the boys and her relationship with them. Would they even want to travel with her anymore after what she’d done? Would she even blame them if they didn’t? Probably not. 

So the Doctor was more than surprised when she opened the TARDIS doors to find Ryan still standing there waiting for her. 

“No Graham?” she asked lightly, though the tremor in her voice betrayed her. One had gone already without even a goodbye, at least Ryan was giving her the courtesy of a farewell. 

“No, he’s gone back home before me because he needed the loo. You know what he’s like.” 

_ Oh.  _

“So, he’s not…” the Doctor didn’t need to finish her sentence, what she didn’t say spoke for her.

“No. We’re not leaving you Doctor.” Ryan spoke reassuringly as he sidled up next to her where she leant forward against the console, palms pressing against the warmth of engineered metal underneath her hands. A small form of comfort from her oldest friend. “But I’m guessing it didn’t go well?”

The Doctor huffed a humourless laugh, “How can you tell?”

Ryan frowned, “Don’t think I need to explain that.”

“No…” the Doctor confirmed quietly. 

After a moment of unsure quiet between the two, the Doctor’s gaze lifted slightly to glance around the console room, her eyes quickly fixing on the worn leather jacket draping over the stair railings. The only piece of the Yaz from before all this that was left. Ryan followed her gaze when he felt her shoulders slump under his palm, offering a comforting squeeze.

He let out a quiet sigh before speaking again, “She’ll come around, you know.” He only felt the Doctor sink further. 

“Will she?” she asked hopelessly, lifting a hand to run down her face. “Because I really don’t see that happening right now, Ryan.”

“Doctor, this is Yaz we’re talking about. She loved you, really  _ really  _ loved you before all this. That’s gotta count for something, yeah?” he countered, intending to give the Doctor at least a little of his own hope. It was wrong to see her without any.

“Maybe she did. But you know what all that love has manifested into? Hate. Hate for me  _ because  _ the person she ‘really really loved’ left her on a planet for five years on her own. I can’t blame her Ryan. Try as I might and as much as I have to get through to her, I  _ really  _ don’t blame her for not listening.” the Doctor argued back, moving around the console so as not to catch his gaze.

“You always talk about hope, Doctor. Where’s all yours gone? You can’t just give up on her.” he retorted, following each of her steps, not relenting.

“I’m  _ not _ giving up on her.” the Doctor snapped back, regretting the anger she’d let slip free as soon as she saw the look on Ryan’s face, “I’d never do that.” she added quietly.

“Well it seems like it.” Ryan retorted, throwing his hands up in the air. “So, what are you gonna do?”

The Doctor leaned against the console again and heaved a sigh, “I don’t know right now Ryan. I really don't. She’s still too angry. There’s not much I can do until that simmers down. This is going to take time. And I’m not going anywhere,” her eyes found Ryan’s, a deep brown that was wide and eager, “Not this time.”

“You mean–”

“I do.” the Doctor’s lips pulled tight, “Earth’s my home for the foreseeable future.”

“Well,” Ryan started with a small smile. “Wanna come back to ours for a cuppa? Think we all need one after everything that’s happened today. I know it won’t be the same without…” he trailed off at the grief suddenly glazing over the Doctor’s eyes, “You know.” 

She gave him a small nod in return. “Sounds lovely, Ryan. Thank you.” The Doctor lifted herself up then, following him around the console to the doors of her ship, trailing slightly behind when she called out again. 

“And thank you,” Ryan turned on his heel, confusion lacing his features. 

“What for?”

The Doctor swallowed audibly, “For not leaving me.”

Ryan grinned, stepping forward to pat her reassuringly on the arm, “Never.” 

* * *

For the first time in five years, Yaz lay in a proper bed, in actual pyjamas, curtains wide open as she stared up at the stars, their presence now comforting after her time on Thibiea-7. She had the covers pulled right up to her chin as she looked out the window, sleep struggling to find her. She knew what was in her dreams and she wasn’t ready to face them just yet. 

The lighting up of a phone screen and vibration against the hardwood of her bedside table made Yaz jump. She picked up the device, reading the notification. It was a text from Ryan. Contemplating what to do, Yaz stared absently at the screen for a moment before sliding her thumb sideways and opening up the message. 

_ Ryan [23:28]: Hi Yaz, I know you probably won’t reply and that’s okay. I know this is all a mess and I can’t even begin to imagine how you’re feeling. I just want you to know I’m here for you always. I love you like a sister. So I’ll be here when you’re ready. If you’re ever ready. x  _

It was only when Yaz felt something tickle her cheek that she realised she was crying. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> honestly i was unsure with this whether najia believed yaz too easily but honestly this chapter was sad enough to write so i don't really think i care DHKJSJKFDGKJFGDJ


	13. If you’ve lost your way I will leave the light on

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> bit of a different perspective this time, hope you enjoy!
> 
> thank you as always to my beta @timelxrd <3

The sun was peering over Sheffield — early morning dew flecked the grass and stained Ryan’s trainers a deeper colour as he jogged along the path, his hoodie damp from exertion and yellow beanie secure on his head. 

He stopped at a bench just off the dirt track for a quick break, taking a sip of water and stretching out before pulling out his phone, headphone wire catching on the zip of his hoodie and almost yanking it out of his ear. 

It was around the same time each morning when Ryan would tap on his messages and open up a specific conversation, his thumbs typing away:

_ Ryan [07:47]: Morning Yaz. Can’t believe you’ve been back home 3 months now, I bet that feels good! Anyway, I'm just up on the hills again doing my usual run. Gotta keep feet now we’re not running around with the doctor you know. Also took a different route today and came out by that rocky patch on the path where we ran that one time and I fell flat on my face  _ 😂  _ hope you have a good day and celebrate being back home well for me? Wish I could celebrate with you, but maybe soon yeah? x _

He sent the text off with the tap of a thumb, briefly scrolling up the three month one sided conversation before shoving the phone back in his pocket and setting off. He’d text Yaz everyday since she’d got home. He wasn’t bothered about her lack of reply, didn’t really expect one. Though that didn’t mean it didn’t hurt. All he wanted was for Yaz to know he cared. Graham sent her a text every couple weeks too, his were a bit more bulky than Ryan’s, less texts meant bigger updates. The Doctor however, she had an old flip phone but texting wasn’t really  _ ‘her style.’  _ That’s what she’d told Ryan, anyway.

So instead she chose to send letters every week. Ryan had decided early on that he would describe her handwriting as ‘messily neat’, the speed at which pen met paper meaning the swirls of her calligraphy were less than perfect — but the effort was there. He had no idea what the Doctor’s letters contained, any initial attempts he’d had at peaking over her shoulder quickly ended with a hand slamming over the paper and an over the shoulder glare. 

He assumed they were pretty personal. He even wondered if Yaz was reading them. For all the Doctor knew, Yaz could’ve been burning every letter that slipped through her door, but he knew the Doctor didn’t care. She’d send them anyway, every week, without fail. She even put them in the post rather than make the five minute walk down hill. Still respectful of stern words to stay away. 

Skipping to the next track on his Spotify, Ryan shoved his phone back in his pocket and continued to run, though his thoughts never left his friend. Everyday he wondered how Yaz was doing, how she was coping with being back home, if she went back to her job, if she spoke with any friends she’d had back home before all this. He’d hoped he might see her around town but had no such luck. He’d not seen any of her family either, though he supposed they went from not seeing each other in Primary school up until they met again because of the Doctor, so he shouldn’t have been surprised. When he eventually made it back to the pavement outside his home, Ryan looked out across the plain of grass opposite, to the police box parked at the edge of it, moulding into the landscape of the city that sat buzzing behind it.

The Doctor had moved her ship from outside Park Hill, not thinking it fair on Yaz to have to look out her window and see it everyday. The Doctor’s thoughtfulness always left a lingering warmth in Ryan’s chest, so he was pleasantly surprised when he stepped inside to find her and Graham chatting in the kitchen, cups of tea in hand. Of course.

“Morning, Ryan!” she called out with a small wave and he smiled in return as he pulled his beanie off his head. 

“Morning Doctor, morning Gramps.” he smiled to Graham, the older man smiling with pride in return. 

“Morning, Ryan. Cuppa?” he offered and Ryan nodded. 

“Please.” he replied through a puff of breath, filling his lungs after his lengthy run. 

They chatted quietly over their brews, but Ryan could feel the difference in the air, thick like grief, something he was all too familiar with, and it was all radiating from the Doctor.

Of course she knew it was three months. Ryan wasn’t sure whether to vocalise the fact or keep it to himself, but it didn’t matter regardless. The Doctor made the decision for him the next time silence swallowed the room. 

“It's been three months today.” she stated, her tone somber, gaze focused on the dregs of her tea. 

“Yeah.” Ryan responded glumly, lifting his phone briefly from his pocket. “Sent her a text this morning talking about it.”

“Any response?” the Doctor asked, a glint of hope in her eyes that he regretfully stoked out with a shake of his head. 

“No.”

The Doctor’s face fell, as it always did when it came to Yaz. She moved from her place at the kitchen table to empty the remnants of her mug down the drain of the sink and stepped toward the doorway. “Thanks for the tea Graham. See you boys later, yeah?” her eyes were full of sorrow as she stepped away. 

“Doctor, wait–” Ryan called out but it was too late. She was out the door, gone. She’d said  _ ‘later’ _ before, and Graham and Ryan had soon come to discover in her vocabulary that usually meant a couple of days. 

A weathered palm came up to rest on Ryan’s shoulder, and he turned his head to see his Grandad’s kind smile. He offered one back, though it felt strained, “Gonna go take a shower.” 

“Alright, son.” Graham gave him a gentle pat before relinquishing his hold, “Will you head to the shops for me after? Need some eggs and milk.”

“Yeah, sure.” he replied, grabbing his beanie off the side and making his way upstairs. 

* * *

She’d woken up to a text, as always. And as always, she’d read it. Three months. She’d almost forgotten that she’d been back home three months. Been back at work three months. Hadn’t seen Ryan, Graham or the Doctor in three months. 

When she’d first arrived home, her parents had insisted on her quitting the force, taking the time to recover, but she’d refused. Argued that if anything, her time away would have made her a better police officer, and the impending end of her probation period and consistent praise from her superiors had proved that. 

Until the previous day.

She’d been in the car patrolling with her partner when a call came through for a suspected domestic. They’d been reluctantly sent there for being not two streets away even though they were probationers. Though its nearing end gave them some leeway. 

They had made their way up the path to the house, knocked on the door, and a man had answered with blood splattered on his shirt. He’d insisted everything was fine, nothing was wrong, that the neighbours were just hearing his music.

Yaz didn’t believe him for a second. She’d barged past him, headed straight for the living room as she ignored the shouts of the burly man and found his wife with a bloody nose and black eye. If she hadn’t been furious enough already, the child screaming upstairs was what made her see red. 

She knew she shouldn’t have done it. It was unprofessional, against her code as a police officer, but you don’t come back from being stranded alone on planet for five years without a bit of unbridled rage. Yaz had walked right up to him as he called her every name under the sun and she’d smacked him square in the face. She’d kept up her strength from her time away, and had ended up punching him so hard she’d knocked him out. She even went to hit him again when her partner stopped her, pulling her off him as they chastised her for her behaviour when the red of her vision had lifted. 

Yaz didn’t feel remorseful. He deserved it. Though she didn’t say that out loud. She wanted to keep her job. His wife had seemed grateful, so she deemed it worth it. 

Yet the action had left her with an official warning, one that was on record. She’d promptly been given the rest of the week off with a scolding that she was lucky to still have her job and that the man wasn’t pressing charges.

Her parents had been furious.  _ ‘She could’ve lost her job!’ ‘How could she be so careless!’ ‘They knew she shouldn't have gone back to work! She wasn’t ready.’ _

Safe to say Yaz had ignored them. Had headed straight for the gym and its punching bags — and had proceeded to imagine a multitude of faces. 

When she’d come into the house that evening, she’d gone straight to her room. Coming to the conclusion she was struggling to adapt to being back home. Yaz loved her family to pieces, but she’d lived on her own for five years, living with people again was difficult. 

Maybe that was why today was the first day she’d looked at one of Ryan’s texts and considered responding.

She promptly put the phone down and got out of bed.

Slipping quietly into the bathroom, she washed her face and brushed her teeth before heading back to her room to change into work out clothes. Pulling a worn grey hoodie over her head, Yaz braided her hair, yanked the hood up, stuck her headphones in, and left. 

She ran. Arms pumping and feet hitting the tarmac as she ran down the pavement and towards the nearest park. She loved running, it burned off the excess energy that never quite dissipated from her time away. Her runs were always more than a jog, but not quite a sprint, too used to the speed she’d set herself back on Thibiea-7. It was something she was yet to grow out of, constantly a little on edge when out the house. Survival instincts ingrained into her  psyche. Her new eye for danger had made Yaz good at her job, other new parts of her — not so much. She ran a little harder, clearing her mind of the previous day until she made it to the lake in the middle of the park. Yaz paused to watch the ducks as they swam about, following the ripples of water as they ducked their heads underneath and brushed against each other playfully. 

Like a little family. 

Somehow she couldn’t believe it was a group of ducks that made her pull her phone out. Yaz looked down at the screen, at the one sided conversation — and sighed. “Fuck it.” 

The next thing she knew she was tapping out a response, thumbs working on their own accord as she watched the sentences form on the screen. Taking a breath, Yaz clicked send, and carried on running. 

* * *

It was only after a hot shower and getting fully dressed that Ryan proceeded to check his phone — and almost drop it. He felt like pinching himself to make sure he wasn’t having a dream as he blinked hard, once, then twice, and the notification remained. 

A text from Yaz. 

_ Yaz [08:28]: I need someone to talk to. Only you. Don’t even think about bringing her. I’ll meet you at little meg’s cafe at half ten. _

Ryan dropped down on his bed. Reading the text over and over. He could barely believe he’d actually gotten a reply. He was starting to think he’d never get one. One part of the text stung though.  _ Her _ . It was obvious to anyone Yaz was talking about the Doctor and Ryan thought of her sat alone in the TARDIS, always wondering if Yaz would ever forgive her. By her text it didn’t seem like that would be anytime soon. Ryan pulled himself out of his shocked daze, responding immediately. 

_ Ryan [08:41]: I’ll be there!  _

Suddenly a wave of nerves rushed through him. He was seeing Yaz.  _ Actually  _ seeing Yaz for the first time in three months. He’d missed his best mate,  _ a lot _ , and the anticipation was already eating him up, excitement buzzing through him. Through the mix of emotions he charged down the stairs, careful not to trip, in search of Graham, who he found watching some early morning TV. 

“Hey, guess what?!” Ryan grinned.

Graham, surprised by his grandson’s shift in mood, frowned in confusion, “What?”

“Yaz text back!” Ryan replied, shoving his phone in Graham’s face. 

“Eh?!” The older man pulled his glasses from the breast pocket of his shirt and slipped them on his nose, face lighting up as he read the text. “Flippin’ heck.” he smiled with a small laugh. 

“I know!” Ryan said, dropping down on the sofa next to him. “I couldn’t believe it when I read it. Thought I was dreaming.”

Ryan watched as Graham contemplated the text further, brow furrowing a touch, “‘ _ Need someone to talk to.’  _ You think she’s ok?” he questioned in concern.

“Not sure, guess I’ll found out. Bit nervous if I’m honest. What do I even say?” Ryan took the phone back from Graham, nervously fiddling it in his hands. 

“The conversation will flow son, don’t you worry. Just — let her talk. Let her control the direction of the conversation. Sounds like she needs someone to listen. Go and be that person for her, yeah?” Graham gave Ryan a comforting smile that was much appreciated, his calming presence continually grounding for the younger man. 

“Yeah. Yeah you’re right. Thanks grandad.” he smiled back as he sunk further into the sofa, relaxing as he let his thoughts drift while half focusing on the TV in front of him. 

Graham popped his glasses back in his pocket before turning to Ryan, “And don’t worry about getting the eggs and milk Ryan, I’ll sort that. You go see our girl.” 

* * *

It was just past ten when Ryan left the house. The cafe was only a fifteen minute walk away but he wanted to get there early, preferred the idea of being there before Yaz, wanted to show he was eager to see her, to show he still cared. He sat in a window seat, latte steaming in front of him while his leg bounced unconsciously with anxiety. He kept checking his phone, the minutes ticking away slowly one by one. It was agonising. He wondered if this is what it felt for the Doctor when she complained about  _ ‘living linear.’ _ If it did, he suddenly empathised with her a lot more. 

Though he couldn’t think about the stranger of his friends for much longer when someone sat down in the seat opposite. Ryan’s head shot up, gaze directly meeting Yaz’s. 

Ryan swallowed hard, and spoke first, “Hi.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OOHHHHHHHHHHH (you know me, I love a cliffhanger)


	14. I told you I'd ride this out, it's getting harder every day somehow

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok lads i've officially run out of pre-written chapters for this, i'm hoping i can still keep up with the weekly updates but pre-apologies if not. this story will get finished so there's no need to worry about that, but if the update schedule gets a little wonky at times at least you know why
> 
> love u all and the support you've given this fic so far you lot keep me going <3 
> 
> now, time for ryan and yaz to have a chat!
> 
> and as always thank you to my beta @timelxrd

_ Ryan’s head shot up, gaze coming to directly meet Yaz’s.  _

_ Ryan swallowed hard, and spoke first, “Hi.”  _

* * *

“Hey.” Yaz responded curtly.

“Um, how’ve you been?” Ryan asked, wanting to kick himself for not knowing what to say.

Yaz shrugged, “Alright.”

The one word answers had Ryan’s throat bobbing with a hard swallow as he shifted awkwardly in his seat, the action reminding him of the wallet in his back pocket. “Drink?” he pointed to his own mug, now half full, “I’m buying.”

“Just a green tea, thanks.” 

Ryan smiled as he stood to join the small queue. A thanks, he thought. It was a start. He used the time waiting for Yaz’s drink to think about what he could say to his friend, though when he looked over his shoulder at her, leg jigging like his own was not five minutes before, he knew they were both in the same boat. It made him feel a little better about the whole thing. 

Placing the mug down in front of her, Yaz offered him a quiet thank you as she lifted a spoon from the pot on the table and gave it a quick stir. Ryan noticed the slight tremor in her hand as she placed the crockery back down. It only made him want to hug his friend even more. 

Ryan sat quietly for a moment, hands in lap, but just as he went to speak again, Yaz’s elbows came up to rest against the tabletop as her head fell into her hands and she let out a groan. “I don’t even know why I’m doing this.” she muffled against her palms. 

Ryan felt his heart sink a little at the statement, wondering whether this was a bad idea. Had Yaz just sent the text on a whim and was now regretting it? 

“No. I know why,” she carried on, though Ryan wasn’t sure she was speaking to him. “I need someone to talk to that’s not my family.” 

“Yaz, what’s wrong?” Ryan asked, trying to catch her gaze that now refused to meet his as it darted anxiously around the room.

Yaz groaned frustratedly into her palms, hands sliding down her face until they fell from her chin to rest atop the table. She inwardly appreciated Ryan’s idea to sit by the window, she felt less trapped within the coffee shop's walls. It felt easier to escape, to run away from her old friend and never set eyes on him again. Yet he had texted her everyday, and no matter her mood or her feelings towards him, she’d read every single one of those texts. She’d been the one to initiate this, so as confusing as her current opinion on Ryan, was it even fair to run away from him?

“My family,” she started, eyes fixed on the outside, deep brown irises following a woman and her dog as they strolled along the pavement. Focusing on Ryan was too hard, “They look at me like I’m gonna break any second. It’s been three months and they’re still walking on eggshells around me as much as I keep telling them not to.” 

Yaz took a sip of her tea, the twitch of a smile tugging at the corner of her lips at the taste, “My sister’s probably the best out of the three of them. She at least tries to act normal, but then she says one thing that relates back to what happened to me and she clams up, goes all awkward and I hate it. I hate that I’m doing this to my family just by existing. My mum’s the worst, my parents were protective anyway because of, y’know,” Yaz trailed off, remembering a late night conversation on the TARDIS with Ryan about her past.

“Yeah,” he agrees quietly, but says no more, letting Yaz carry the conversation just like his grandad had said. 

“Anyway this has just made them ten times worse. I can’t leave the house without them asking where I’m going. They don’t even like me going to work. It’s like they don’t wanna take their eyes off me for a second in case I disappear again which I get but, I dunno, I just feel like they’re treating me like a child. I’m older now,” Yaz gestured to herself, “ _ Literally.  _ Older than any friends I had here. Just makes me feel a bit out of place.”

“You wouldn’t be out of place with us, Yaz. Never. Not on the TAR–”

“Don’t.” Yaz snapped, gaze flicking to catch Ryan’s with a scowl. “ _ Don’t  _ say it.”

Ryan’s face twisted with guilt. “Right, sorry. But my point stands.”

Yaz huffed and took a sip of tea, the silence between them tense and awkward until Ryan cleared his throat to speak again, opting for a slight change of subject. “So you said you’re back at work?” 

“Well,” Yaz tapered off, thinking of her current predicament. Ryan frowned in intrigue and she carried on. “I got a warning,” she forced past her lips, “yesterday. So now I’m off work for the rest of the week.”

“What?” Ryan spoke, eyes like saucers as surprise smothered his tone. “ _ You  _ got a warning? Yaz what did you do? Are you like, suspended or something?”

“Erm, sort of? I don’t know, they didn’t actually  _ say  _ the words suspension but being forced off work for the rest of the week when it’s only Tuesday sort of feels like it.”

“Yaz, what did you do?” Ryan asked again.

“I–” Yaz sighed before muttering her admission, “I punched a guy.” 

“You what?!”

“Look he was beating his wife, ok?! I just _—_ I saw what he’d done and, God, he had a kid too Ryan, it was upstairs screaming. I didn’t see the kid ‘cause I got escorted out the house but my mind went to the worst case scenario and I saw red. Strode right up to him and punched him right in the face, knocked him out cold. I were just  _ so _ angry, I think it was a build-up of all the frustration I’ve been feeling and I took it out on him. I was gonna keep punching him but my partner pulled me off him. Though I don’t think he mentioned that part in his statement or I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t have a job right now.”

“Can’t believe you punched the bloke.” Ryan was dumbfounded, slumping back in his chair as he watched Yaz shrug.

“He deserved it. His wife seemed to think so too by the way she smiled at me.” 

“I mean,” Ryan lifted his eyebrows, bottom lip jutting out, “I ‘spose, depending on your morals. Still can’t believe you of all people punched someone.” 

“Yeah well, people change over five years.” Yaz admitted, eyes on the drink in front of her as her finger tapped against the mug handle. 

The statement was jarring for Ryan. A cruel reminder of what had changed between them. “Is that why you text back?”

“Yeah,” Yaz thought back to the previous night, the argument with her parents. “I just needed to get away from them for a bit and speak to someone that wasn’t family. Someone who’d seen what had happened to me first hand.” 

“Yaz,” Ryan sighed, running a nervous hand down the side of his face, “about what happened–”

“Ryan,” Yaz warned.

“We were only gone for like fifteen minutes, I promise you. I know it was five years for you but for us it was only fifteen minutes. Fifteen minutes to,” his hand flew up in the air before slapping down on his thigh, “mess  _ everything  _ up.” 

“Fifteen minutes?” Yaz questioned, expression aghast.

“Yes. Yaz, I promise. We’d never have left you like that, I mean it. Why would we ever do that do you? Why would the Do–”

The crease of Yaz’s brow paused Ryan mid-sentence. 

“Please believe me, Yaz. Just think about it now you’ve had time to properly process. Now you’re here with me and you’re calmer.  _ Why  _ would we do that?” 

“I–” Yaz swilled the dregs around her nearly empty mug and  _ thought.  _ Her anger still simmered away underneath, the heat on low as the flame flickered in her gut, but the pot was half empty, no longer overflowing with a burning hatred that clouded her vision. “You wanna know what I thought?” 

Ryan nodded in anticipation, eager for Yaz’s perspective. 

“I really,  _ truly  _ thought you must’ve all secretly hated me and thought it the best way to get rid of me.”

Ryan sunk in his seat, eyes glazing over with painful regret, “Yaz,”

“You _know_ I’ve never had the best self confidence, and it took the biggest hit I’d ever known on that planet. My thoughts became _so_ self-deprecating that it turned into self-loathing. Ended up honestly believing you all hated me just as much as I hated myself.” Once Yaz started spilling her guts, she found it nigh on impossible to stop after having kept it all to herself ever since she was left behind. “I thought myself pretty worthless, and that’s what made me so reckless, so ready to risk my life for a village of people that hated me too. You know in five years that boy, Taulan, was the only person that was nice to me. What do you think that does to a person Ryan? I’ll tell you what _—_ it makes them _despise_ themselves.” 

Ryan sat dumbstruck, Yaz’s words breaking his heart as he swallowed the lump that had formed in his throat. His gaze dropped with heavy guilt, eyes focusing on the empty mug sat in front of him. “You thought we hated you?”

“Yes.” Yaz responded, tone icy.

Ryan’s gaze lifted, two pairs of dark eyes meeting, “Do you still think that now?” 

Yaz held Ryan’s gaze for a long moment, jaw clenching as she tapped anxiously against the side of her mug. “I–” she paused, gaze faltering briefly, “I don’t know.”

“Well as a reassurance, we don’t. None of us do, Yaz. We love you. We  _ all  _ love you. And we’re gonna wait for you, if you want us to, that is.” Ryan spoke softly, as if Yaz was a skittish animal that he didn’t want to spook. 

When Yaz didn’t speak, he carried on, “Either way, I want you to know you can always speak to me, when your family gets a bit much. We never  _ ever  _ would’ve let this happen on purpose, Yaz. We all hate what we’ve put you through. And we all wanna make it up to you and I know it’s a lot to ask because this is all kind of unreal. But we’ll wait for you, no matter what, because that’s what family does, yeah?”

Yaz huffed a laugh as she shook her head, a small smile pulling at her lips as she looked out the window. “Family…”

“Yeah.” Ryan replied, full of confidence. 

“I’ve already got a family.” she spoke with a harshness that fell flat, and that’s when Ryan knew he was getting through.

“Okay,” he shrugged, “Well, you’ve got a second family. Your space family.”

Yaz’s head fell to the side as she looked at him, mouth forming a smirk as a perfectly shaped brow lifted, “Space family?” 

“Yep.” Ryan replied, popping the p. 

Yaz let a proper chuckle escape her then, and Ryan felt his whole face light up at the sound. It felt like a mission accomplished to have successfully made his friend laugh. It was certainly a sight and sound for sore eyes. 

“Made you laugh, Yaz.” he teased with a glint in his eye, “That means I win.”

“Since when did this become a game?” she frowned back, though a smile still resided on her lips. 

“Since I got you to laugh, because I’m just  _ that  _ charming.” he grinned, smile beaming. 

“Alright, don’t get ahead of yourself.” Yaz playfully returned.

The silence that filtered between them felt more comfortable as they exchanged friendly smiles, Ryan breaking the silence with an invitation. “You should come to ours for dinner.” 

Yaz’s smile slipped away as her gaze fell from Ryan’s, expression pulling into a worried from. 

“I don’t mean tonight!” he backtracked, inwardly kicking himself for his poor wording, “I mean, soon. When you’re ready.”

There was a long pause where Ryan dreaded he’d messed up their newfound rapport, breathing a sigh of relief when Yaz lifted her head to speak.

“Just you and Graham?” 

Ryan felt himself dwindle at Yaz’s question, his heart aching for the Doctor, for Yaz’s continuous animosity towards her.

Though for now, Ryan would take what he could get. “Just me and Graham.” he agreed.

He watched Yaz mull it over, eyes wandering around the room until they fell back to him, “I’ll think about it.” she decided and Ryan smiled.

“Good enough for me.” 

* * *

They left the café together, the mid-morning sun shining down brightly on the pair of them, the closeness of their homes forcing them along the same route. The two of them chatted idly as they walked, lost in reminiscing over an old memory when they came to a stop outside Ryan’s house. He anxiously looked over his shoulder at the blue box, sat on the grass, and prayed to every God that existed that the Doctor wouldn’t choose now to step through the ship's doors. Yet Ryan stared for a touch too long, Yaz frowning in confusion as she followed his gaze.

“What?” Her eyes landed on the TARDIS. “ _ Oh _ .”

Ryan squeezed his eyes shut, chastising himself for his idiocy, and took a moment before opening them to the now tense form of Yaz. 

“Why’s that there?” she asked, voice hard like stone. 

Ryan sighed, “It’s been there for three months, Yaz.” 

Yaz spun around at Ryan’s casual statement, gaze snapping to his in a deep set frown. “What?”

“She’s been living on Earth, Yaz. She’s not left for three months. She’s waiting for you.” Ryan was trying to be as gentle as he could, the last thing he needed was Yaz storming away in anger. 

“Why?” 

Ryan struggled to catch the tone of Yaz’s question, her voice coated with anger, yet there was underlying confusion and disbelief in the way the word trembled off her tongue. 

“Same as all of us. She loves you.” he said, shrugging like the answer was as clear as day. 

Yaz scoffed, shaking her head as she took one more look back at the blue box, arms folding over her chest in unconscious defence of a still fragile heart. “Dunno why she’s bothering.”

“Yaz–”

“Don’t, Ryan.” she warned, and his mouth reluctantly fell shut. “I’m gonna go.” she nodded over her shoulder, taking a step back before turning and walking away.

“Bye, Yaz!” Ryan called after her, though worry coated his voice and he sighed defeatedly, hoping that Yaz’s abrupt departure still meant he had a chance when she didn’t return the goodbye. 

He stood and watched until his friend made it over the hill and slumped against the wall outside his house, head still spinning with the morning’s events. He was about to move to head inside when he heard the distinctive creaking of the TARDIS doors. 

“Ryan?” the Doctor called out to him as she strode over the road, “Was that Yaz?” 


	15. When the future is so unsure

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just managed to get this update out today and by that i mean i finished this chapter today lkfjglkfjgklfg cutting it fineeee but i DID IT 
> 
> i honestly dont really know how i feel about this chapter it might be kinda messy idk but i think thats bc there are like 3 different povs lol so sorry if u hate that 
> 
> also i think this might be the longest chapter yet?? so it might not be the best but at least im feeding u??? HFGSDFHD
> 
> and thank u to my beta @timlxrd for putting up with me as always 
> 
> btw if u catch the reference in this chapter to one of my all time fave thasmin fics, let me know in the comments ;)

_“Ryan?” the Doctor called out to him as she strode over the road, “Was that Yaz?”_

* * *

Before Ryan could even consider a response, the Doctor was in his space, eyes wide with hopeful intensity. “Erm, yeah _—_ yeah it was.”

“Oh,” the Doctor quipped, a pitch higher than usual. “That’s brilliant!” her smile grew tenfold.

“Yeah, she responded to my texts finally. Asked me to meet her at a café.”

“And…” the Doctor pushed, eager for a response.

“It went alright actually _—_ was really good to see her. Went better than I thought it would to be honest. I even invited her to come round for dinner sometime.” 

“Really?!” the Doctor said in shock. “Wow, that’s amazing. What you thinking of doing? You gonna do dessert? Of course you are everyone loves dessert.” Her eyes widened as she gasped excitedly, “I could make cookies _—_ or brownies because brownies are brilliant. No wait! Even better I could… I could…” the Doctor tapered off when she caught the guilty look on Ryan’s face, deflating as the realisation hit her around the head like a bodybuilder armed with a baseball bat. 

She sighed deeply, her exhale quivering as it left her lips, “I can’t come, can I?”

Ryan struggled to meet her gaze, though he forced himself to, figuring he at least owed her that, and shook his head. “Sorry, Doctor.”

The Doctor nodded in resignation as Ryan watched her throat bob and eyes slowly start to glaze over. “No, no. It’s ok,” she said as she stepped back, voice hitting a pitch higher than usual as a crestfallen attempt at a smile slowly morphed her features into a hollow grimace. Ryan’s heart sank when he caught sight of the tremble in his friend's bottom lip, though the Doctor pulled it between her teeth in a bid to hide the slight quiver of dejection. “I get it. I completely understand. I should’ve realised–”

“Doctor–”

“ _Anyway_ , I’m just gonna go for a um _—_ a quick walk. See ya, Ryan.” 

“Doctor wait–!”

But his friend was already walking away, one hand shoved in her pocket and the other messing with her face. Ryan had no doubt she was wiping a tear away.

Letting out a despondent sigh, Ryan jogged up the steps to his home, taking one last look at his friend before he stepped inside. 

“Ryan!” He heard Graham call from somewhere in the house. “How did it go?!”

* * *

The walk turned out not to be quick.

Instead the Doctor’s mind wandered far and wide in the vast depths of her head, tracing along an entire timeline worth of memories with Yasmin Khan. Of how she’d crashed through that train roof and changed her life forever. Never did she realise how much worse she would make it. 

Briskly wiping a thumb over her cheek to catch a stray tear, the Doctor reminded herself of the plummeting feeling that had sunk in her stomach when she’d managed to successfully drop her fam home for the first time. The look Yaz gave her, one of sheer disappointment that she was about to be left behind _—_ the Doctor feeling the same at the thought of leaving them. Then Yaz had extended that fateful olive branch that had whisked them along on a journey of life changing proportions.

The Doctor found herself outside of Yaz’s favourite chip shop on her walk. Legs unconsciously taking her on a tour of memories. 

_“Come on Doctor, I promise you they’re the best chips in the universe!” Yaz grinned as she grabbed her hand and pulled her along._

_“In the universe?” the Doctor huffed, “Yaz — I think you underestimate the quality of chips the universe has to offer.”_

_“And I think you underestimate my judgement.” Yaz quipped with a cheeky smile that had the Doctor’s eyebrows raising._

_She turned to the boys before stepping inside — they merely shrugged._

_“She’s right you know,” Graham said, “They are the best chips in the universe.”_

_The Doctor hummed in questioning as she pushed through the door and into the sweaty heat of the chip shop, a thousand different smells assaulting her nose. In a good way; it was a chip shop after all._

_When they all found themselves sitting on a park bench five minutes later, the Doctor popped a chip in her mouth as three intense gazes bore into her with almost explosive anticipation. She felt like a judge on some sort of Earth talent show. This really was the Britain’s Got Talent of chips._

_She chewed, and thought. Then chewed and thought a little more. Then swallowed with an expression in faux contemplation as her index finger tapped at her chin. “Hmm–”_

_“Doctor, you’re killing us!” Yaz laughed. “Tell us what you think already.”_

_“Never thought I’d feel this tense over chips.” Ryan muttered to Graham._

_The Doctor’s eyes fell from the sky then, a smirk pulling at her lips as her gaze met Yaz’s, her eyes big and bright and eager and the Doctor thought if Yaz got this excited about chips, she couldn’t wait to show her every other wonder of the universe just to see them shine brighter than the day before._

_Quickly, the Doctor was learning that chips and catching feelings must be her forté, and as terrified as she was to fall down that rabbit hole again, the hopeful eyes of her companion were something that the Doctor couldn’t possibly deny._

_“Yasmin Khan — they’re the best chips in the universe.” she grinned, and Yaz pumped a fist with a cheer as Ryan and Graham’s laughs echoed around them._

_“Told you!” Yaz pointed, gleefully popping a chip into her own mouth. “Best chips in the universe.”_

_In reality, they weren’t. The Doctor had tasted much better chips. But it was all worth it just to see Yasmin Khan’s biggest and brightest smile. So perhaps really, they were the best chips in the universe._

The Doctor walked along with a small bag of chips in hand, yet she only ate a few. Without Yaz around, they were just bog standard chips that were over-salted and drowning in vinegar. She chucked them in the next bin she walked past. The rodents would enjoy the chips more than her. 

Her walk led her to the park. More specifically, the lake in the park _—_ the lake in the park where the Doctor got attacked by a duck and Yaz was her knight in shining armour. Sort of. The Doctor huffed a laugh as she leant against the railings, but at a safe distance from the ducks. She wasn’t taking that risk again, not when Yaz wasn’t around to save her.

_“Yaz!” the Doctor called out in panic. “Yaz it won’t let go! Stop laughing! It’s not funny!”_

_The Doctor scowled over at her friends who were currently in different states of laughter. Ryan was leaning against the railings in a half crouch as he clutched at his stomach claiming he ‘couldn’t breathe’ from laughing so hard. Graham was trying and failing to be the sensible one of the group, laughter escaping his throat, deep and hearty as he wiped a tear from his eye while his hand leant on Ryan’s shoulder to support himself._

_Yaz, who the Doctor had actually expected to be the most sensible and save her from a vicious duck attack, was also struggling to breathe through fits of laughter. So much so that she’d had to sit down. Her eyes were watery with tears, hands clutching her knees as she laughed and laughed and laughed. The Doctor couldn’t even stay a little upset, because the sounds of Yaz’s laughter was nothing she could ever be mad about hearing._

_So yes, she was being attacked by a duck that was absolutely determined to nick her coat, and no, none of her friends were helping her. But if she ramped up her dramatics and acted a little more silly just to get more laughter out of Yaz, well, if you ever asked the Doctor she’d deny ever doing such a thing._

_When Yaz eventually calmed down, she helped the Doctor out. Lured the duck away with some seeds borrowed from a little girl, the interaction having melted the Doctor’s hearts. Yaz even offered to take the Doctor to her nani’s to get her slightly torn coat fixed but she’d waved off the offer, insisting it was an easy repair for the TARDIS._

_The Doctor vs the duck hadn’t been something the fam had allowed her to forget anytime soon._

The Doctor was sat on a swing, the chains digging uncomfortably into her hips as her toes pushed her lightly back and forth. The park was quiet, the weekday forcing the kids into school, apart from one, apparently, who perched on the swing next to her. The Doctor didn’t notice the little girl at first, too lost in her own head, eyes focused on the sad trickle of a broken water fountain in the distance. 

“Why do you look like that?” the little girl asked, pulling the Doctor out of her head. 

“Sorry?”

“I said, why do you look like that?”

The Doctor’s brow knitted, “Like what?”

“Sad.”

Face falling, the Doctor swallowed and looked away, “Dunno what you mean.”

“What’s wrong?”

The Doctor huffed an empty laugh at the little girl's persistence, yet, she found the truth slipping past her lips regardless, “My friend won’t talk to me and I don’t know what to do.” she admitted, simplifying her problem for a younger mind.

“Why won’t she talk to you?”

The Doctor’s grip on the chains tightened, gaze dropping to focus on the astroturf beneath their feet as she scuffed a pebble, “It’s my fault. I accidentally left her somewhere for far too long than I ever meant to.” 

“Like hide and seek?”

Lips twitching upwards at the question, the Doctor couldn’t help but feel envious of the child’s naivety. “Yeah,” she sighed, “Something like that.”

“That’s not very nice.” 

The Doctor didn’t have to look to know the little girl was wearing a pout.

“I know. Like I said, it was an accident. Never meant for it to happen, not that I’m excusing what happened. There are no excuses. What I did was, well,” the Doctor let out another sigh, this one tired and full of despondent acceptance, “unforgivable.”

The little girl hummed at that, giving herself a little push as she thought, “I don’t think anything is unforgivable.” she pondered, the Doctor’s eyebrows raising in surprise. “Unless you’re like, really really evil.”

“You sound a bit wise for your age.” the Doctor quipped.

The little girl smiled, showing off a gappy grin, “I know,” she said cheekily, “My mum always tells me that.” 

The Doctor gave her a trying smile in return, only small, but it was there. 

“You know,” the little girl started, pushing herself a little harder on the swing, “my mum’s had a fight once. They didn’t speak to each other for like a _whole_ day.” Sadness smothered her voice as she spoke, thinking back on less than fond memories, “But then my mam told me they made up because if anything happened, they didn’t want their last words to be a fight.”

Huffing a smile, the Doctor gave herself a small push, “Sound smart your mum’s.”

“They are,” the little girl smiled, “They’re the best.”

“Wish I could take that advice but my situation’s not that simple.”

“Well, do you love them?”

The Doctor’s gaze snapped to the little girl’s, “Huh?”

“Your friend. Do you love them?”

The Doctor’s lips unconsciously turned upwards at the thought of Yaz, it was instinct at this point, “Very much.”

“Do they love you?”

Instantly the smile was gone, wiped away like a dirty mark on a window that ended up smearing and making more of a mess, “I _—_ I don’t know.” 

“Hmm,” the little girl folded her arms, finger tapping her chin as she pondered in her dramatics, the Doctor couldn’t help the little chuckle that escaped her at the sight. “You know what I think?”

“What?” 

“I think _—_ you should still take my mam’s advice. What if you never get to talk to your friend again? And then something bad happens!”

“I’d regret it more than I already do.” 

“Exactly!” the little girl said as she jumped out of her swing enthusiastically, clearly _very_ invested in the Doctor’s predicament. 

“I ‘spose you’re right.”

Hands on hips, the girl stood proudly, “I am.” 

The Doctor realised something then, pointing at the little girl in front of her, “You know, I never asked your name.” 

“My name’s Rowan, but my friends call me Wren.”

“Wren?” the Doctor grinned, “That’s a brilliant name.” 

“That’s what my mam says. What’s yours?”

“I’m the Doctor.”

“The Doctor?”

“Yep.”

“‘ _The Doctor’_ isn’t a name!”

“Well it must be, because it’s mine.”

“You’re weird.” Wren playfully glared.

“Get told that a lot.”

Wren looked over the Doctor’s shoulder, face falling slightly, “My mum’s calling me. I gotta go. Bye Doctor!” 

“Bye, Wren. Lovely to meet you.” 

“You too!” she called back.

The Doctor tugged herself up off the swing then, though not without a little resistance from the chains, and continued walking, and thinking, and walking, and then thinking a little more _—_ the advice of Wren’s mam stuck in her head;

_“But then my mam told me they made up because if anything happened, they didn’t want their last words to be a fight.”_

It was solid advice, the Doctor knew that, she just needed to figure out how to approach it. Her situation _was_ far more delicate than a typical domestic.

* * *

It had been a week, and Ryan still hadn’t heard from Yaz. He was starting to lose hope. 

Yet when the clock ticked past one in the afternoon, his phone buzzed. He’d just finished the last sip of his tea, having taken a break from revising for his impending exam.

He’d lifted it off the table expecting Tibo’s name to flash up on the screen, breath catching in his throat when it instead read _Yaz._

He quickly unlocked his phone and read the message:

_Yaz [13:06]: Dinner tonight?_

It was brief, but Ryan didn’t really expect anything less.

_Ryan [13:06]: Defo! We were gonna have lasagna, that good with you?_

_Yaz [13:07]: Yeah, that’s fine. I’ll be round about 6?_

_Ryan [13:07]: Sounds good, see you later Yaz!_

Ryan was smiling at his phone when Graham walked in, “What you grinning at then?”

“Yaz is coming round for dinner tonight.”

“Ah, perfect! I always make way too much lasagna for the both of us anyways. What time is she coming for so I know when to start?”

“Six-ish.”

Graham nodded, his own smile slipping a little when he asked, “Just us two?”

Ryan’s lips pulled into a tight smile, his heart hurting, “Yeah _—_ just us two.”

* * *

It was closer to quarter past six when the door went, Ryan shooting up off the sofa and brushing the creases from his shirt. Nerves had emanated between him and Graham all afternoon, the older man having the distraction of cooking while Ryan sat around impatiently, revision long forgotten. 

Graham gestured to the front door, allowing Ryan the honours of greeting their guest while he kept an eye on the food. 

Ryan opened the door and offered Yaz a gentle smile, “Hey.”

“Hi.” 

“Um, come in! Come in, sorry.” he moved to the side awkwardly, shutting the draft out and turning the key in the lock before spinning around to find Yaz stood just as awkwardly as he was not a moment ago. 

“Want me to take your coat?” he offered, pointing to her leather jacket. That was one thing that hadn't changed.

“Yeah, thanks.” Yaz slipped the jacket from her shoulders, handing it to Ryan who hung it next to the door.

Walking into the living room, Yaz tentatively followed, Graham sticking his head around the door frame at the sound of movement. “Alright, Yaz?” he said with a kind smile and she gave him a slight wave.

“Hi, Graham.”

Graham disappeared again as the clatter of pans echoed from the kitchen before he made his way into the lounge, “How’ve you been, love?” he asked, perching on the arm of the sofa. 

Ryan was grateful for Graham’s ability to slice through tension like butter, his relaxed nature calming both him and Yaz.

“I’ve been ok, thanks, and um _—_ thanks for having me round.” Yaz said with a small smile. 

“You’re always welcome here, Yaz.” Graham responded, his caring nature creeping through. Yaz was practically his second grandchild, nothing would ever change the love he held for her. 

There was a moments silence between them before Graham stood again, clapping his hands together. “Right, let me go sort out food while you two chat. I’ll call you when it’s ready, alright?”

Ryan and Yaz both nodded before making their way to the sofa, sitting down on each end. 

Ryan spoke first, “So you back at work now?”

“Yeah. Second day back after _—_ y’know.”

Ryan responded with a nod. 

“It’s why I asked, actually, if I could come to dinner tonight. My parents don’t think I should’ve gone back after what happened. It’s like they think I’m incapable of making my own decisions anymore. As soon as I got home last night it was a million and one questions and I just _—_ I didn’t want that today. I just wanted to finish work, and then forget about it for the evening.” she sighed, clearly frustrated. 

“Yeah, I get that. No more work talk then.” Ryan decided, happiness swelling in his chest when it earned him a small smile from Yaz.

“No more work talk.” she agreed. 

“I’m guessing they don’t know you’re here then?” 

Yaz shook her head. “They think I’ve gone out for dinner with a workmate. Can’t imagine telling them I’ve seen you.” 

“They all still really hate us then?” Ryan grimaced.

“I mean _—_ yeah.”

“What about you?” he asked, curiosity getting the better of him. 

“Well I’m here aren’t I?” Yaz’s eyebrows lifted, “What do you think?”

Ryan’s bottom lip jutted out as he nodded “Defo do. One hundred percent.”

Yaz huffed a laugh, relaxing into the sofa a little more. Though she soon quietened, face pulling into a frown, “Ryan?”

“Yeah?”

“Sorry about the way I left the other day. It’s just _—_ when I saw the _—_ ” Yaz shook her head, “It just kinda freaked me out. Seeing it. And hearing what you said _—_ about her.”

“Why did what I said freak you out?” Ryan spoke softly, gaze catching Yaz’s, her mouth opening and closing as she considered what to say.

“Because–”

“Dinners ready!” Graham called from the dining room, and whatever Yaz was going to say fell back down her throat. 

* * *

The conversation over dinner was easier than expected, Yaz caught Graham up on what she’d been up to since she’d been back home _—_ choosing to skip over the work suspension. Graham did most of the talking after that, his natural ability to keep the conversation going coming in handy. He even managed to get a couple of chuckles out of Yaz, smiling in pride at the achievement.

In the back of his mind, there was the constant temptation to steer the conversation down a more serious route, to what happened on Thibiea-7, to the broken relationship between Yaz and the Doctor, but Graham knew now was not the time to push. Yaz might have been there with them, but the trust between them was still cracked and fissured, no point in doing anymore damage and making it unrepairable. Now was the time to take tools to that trust and fix it. Then would be the time for questions, for picking up the pieces of Yaz and the Doctor’s love and taping it back together bit by bit.

The current focus was on making things up to Yaz. Bringing her back into their lives slowly, at her pace. Anything to get his second grandchild back. He’d missed her dearly, he wouldn’t snap the olive branch she’d reached out now. 

It was around nine when Yaz left. She even accepted their offer coming around again the next week. When the door shut behind her, the two men looked to each other, grins brightening their faces as they fell into a hug. 

“We’re getting somewhere, son!” Graham whooped and Ryan just laughed. He hadn’t felt so happy in three months. 

Yaz stuck to the offer. She showed up again the next week, then the one after, and the one after that. It had become a sort of unspoken tradition that every week she came around for dinner, and every time, the conversation would flow a little easier. She started up open up, bit by bit, eventually told Graham of her work suspension, told them of times on Thibiea-7, only the good ones though. As minimal as they were, they often included Taulan. 

It was two months after their first dinner that Graham decided to brave it. 

“You spoke to the Doctor at all, Yaz?”

Her cup of tea froze en-route to her mouth at the question, even Ryan tensed in his seat, shooting his Grandad a worried look. 

There was a long pause, Yaz’s eyes glazing over as she lost herself elsewhere, then _—_ “No.” 

“Have you thought about it all? Talking to her, I mean.” he pushed gently, and Ryan’s worry turned into a slight frown. 

Yaz let out a long breath, gaze still focused on the beverage in her hands. “Sometimes.” 

Ryan and Graham silently communicated their surprise in pointed looks, the older man using Yaz’s admission to push just a little more. “Do you read her letters?”

Every tick of the clock nailed to the wall echoed around the room, filling the thick silence, Ryan and Graham’s gaze flicking back and forth between each other and Yaz.

When she finally looked up, it was at Graham. He’d expected anger, thought he’d pushed too far. He was ready for her to stand up and storm out and for them all to be back at square one. Instead, Yaz looked up at him, and her eyes were sad. “Yes.” Another long pause, “All of them.” 

“What do they say?” Ryan asked, risking his piqued curiosity. 

“They’re personal,” Yaz replied instantly.

“Right, course. Sorry.” 

“Would you want to see her?” Graham asked carefully, steering the conversation back on track.

Yet, it was the question that made Yaz put her tea down, “You know what, guys, it’s getting late, I think I’m gonna _—_ go,” she spoke distantly, like she wasn’t really in the room, mind far off somewhere else. 

Yaz stood, grabbing her leather jacket and heading straight for the door, 

“Yaz–” Ryan called out, but the door fell shut behind her and Yaz was gone. 

The two men looked at each other, gaze catching in a way that suggested they were both on the same wavelength as something formed in both their minds. 

* * *

Back home, Yaz opened her bedside drawer and pulled out the most recent letter from the Doctor, watery eyes skimming over messy penmanship. 

> _Dear Yaz,_
> 
> _Another week, another letter, eh? I would claim that I’m gonna start running out of things to say but we both know that’s not true. I could talk for the whole universe me!_
> 
> _Anyway, for starters I just wanted to say that I’m really happy you’re still seeing Ryan and Graham. They tell me about you, how you’re doing and such. It’s brilliant to hear you’re doing better, Yaz. It honestly makes my whole day._
> 
> _Very jealous that you had fish and chips last week though. I love chips. So quintessentially British but also amazingly universal. You know once, I went to a planet called Balamork where they had green chips! Green!! They tasted like mint and were surprisingly good. Maybe one day we might be able to go?_
> 
> _Wouldn’t recommend the green chips on Clom though. They were disgusting. Though on a planet like Clom I shouldn’t have really expected anything less. A strong 0/10 I would never take any of you there._
> 
> _Also good news! I managed to find the final cog to fix your watch! It took me about 44,000 minutes, give or take a thousand, to find it on the TARDIS but it was worth every single one. Ticking away like a charm now. Perhaps I can give it back to you soon? I even gave it a good clean so it’s shining like a star in the sky._
> 
> _I know it’s coming up on 6 months now since you’ve been back home. Which means it’s also 6 months since we’ve seen each other. I miss you, Yaz. More than I can ever express in a letter._

Yaz paused her reading to brush the tip of her finger over an inky stain where the word ‘letter’ was smudged. The tear stain wasn’t hers, she’d managed to hold hers back for the time being. 

> _I completely understand your hostility toward me, I really honestly do. To this very second I still can’t believe what I allowed to happen. I can’t even forgive myself so I don’t blame you for not forgiving me. Even though I did have a little girl recently tell me that nothing was unforgivable. “Unless you’re like, really really evil.” She said. I hope I’m not ‘really really evil’ in your eyes, Yaz._
> 
> _However, all I ever want to do for you is to explain exactly what happened. You don’t even have to say a word to me. I could just stand there, talk, and leave again. You deserve the closure of understanding the hows and whys this happened to you._
> 
> _Even if I explained everything, and you still never wanted to see me again, I would at least want our time spent together to end on mutual ground. Not with the boiling hot (again, understandable) anger that we are currently on. If anything were to happen to you and our last interaction was what it is, I couldn’t forgive myself even further._
> 
> _I hope to see you again._
> 
> _With all my love in the universe,_
> 
> _The Doctor x_

The Doctor’s name smudged when the barrier of Yaz’s tears broke, dripping freely from her eyes onto the paper, a trembling hand coming up to muffle a quiet sob. 

Yaz felt the weight of the proposal loom over her just like it had the first time she’d read the letter, and the second, and the third, and again now. There was a reason she was re-reading this one so much, and that was because she wanted to know. Her curiosity for the reason the Doctor had left her had been growing letter by letter, week by week, to the point where she was desperate to find out, but didn’t know how to ask.

Like the Doctor had said, it had been nearly six months since she’d seen her in person. The prospect of setting eyes on her again was terrifying. So instead of considering how to face the fear, Yaz hid herself under her duvet, blocking out the world as tears dampened her pillow. 

* * *

It was a week later when Yaz pulled her phone from her work locker and shot off a text. 

_Yaz [18:09]: I’ll be round in 10. Work ran over._

_Ryan [18:10]: No worries Yaz, see you in a bit_ 👍

Shoving her phone back in her pocket, Yaz headed out the locker room and to the car park, dropping into the driver's seat of her car with a tired sigh. She’d forgotten how exhausting parking dispute after parking dispute could be. Feeling the frustration of being put back on the crap jobs again _—_ though she knew it was her own fault _—_ she pulled out of the parking space to head to Graham and Ryan’s. 

She was glad her excuse of a weekly work dinner was still working on her parents as she pulled up outside the boys’ house.

When she knocked on the door, it was Graham who answered. 

“Alright, love?” 

“Yeah thanks, Graham. You?” 

“Good. I’m not too bad either, Yaz. How was work?” he replied, taking her jacket and gesturing her through to the living room.

“Tiring,” she responded honestly, “It’s so frustrating still being stuck on–”

Yaz froze. 

Upon walking into the living room, Yaz’s eyes locked onto the one person she’d last expected to see. 

Standing there, next to Ryan, hands nervously shoved in her pockets, was the Doctor.

“Hiya, Yaz.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> me: boy i sure do use cliffhangers a lot, maybe i should tone it down
> 
> me: ends on cliffhanger


	16. Tell me it gets easier

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yooooo you are literally so lucky to have this chapter on time bc i spent all week writing A Neighbourly Affair (go check it out if u haven't already *wink wink nudge nudge*) so i smashed out this chapter yesterday
> 
> i knew i couldn't leave you on this cliffhanger bc it seemed to send you all feral in the comments LMAO i would've felt so bad if i was late this week!!
> 
> anyways this has the talk™️ you've all been waiting for and im honestly hoping it all makes sense 
> 
> thank you to my beta @timelxrd for encouraging me with this chapter <3

_ Standing there, next to Ryan, hands nervously shoved in her pockets, was the Doctor. _

_ “Hiya, Yaz.” _

* * *

Nobody moved. The only sound Yaz was able to process was the Doctor’s hard swallow. She watched as her throat bobbed with the noise. 

Yaz swore her heart stuttered in her chest before it picked up speed, now pounding erratically against her ribcage.

With every beat it was screaming  _ DoctorDoctorDoctorDoctor.  _

Since she’d walked into the room, it felt like time had frozen. And only now as her brain caught up with what was happening, eyes finally processing what she was seeing, Yaz managed to find her voice.

“No.” 

“Ya–” Graham started from behind her, cutting off when she spun around to face him.

“I said, no!”

“Yaz please just hear her out. Even if it’s only for five minutes,” he begged, and her gaze snapped back to the Doctor, some of her aged anger sweeping off the dust and starting to boil up in her gut.

“Why?” she spoke coldly, “Why should I?” 

“Because you’ve thought about this, Yaz.” Ryan spoke up, “The other week at dinner, the way you reacted _—_ we thought you might be ready to _—_ ”

“And you didn’t consider asking me first?!”

“We presumed you’d probably say no.” Graham said, but when Yaz went to argue back, he rounded her, acting as a buffer between the two women, “Look, Yaz, I’m sorry. This was mine and Ryan’s plan. The Doctor was unsure of this herself so don’t put any more blame on her, alright?”

Yaz was silent, so he continued. “All we want, is for you to hear what happened. Properly. From the one person who can explain it best. Me and Ryan? We couldn’t tell you what happened that day. Only that it was fifteen minutes for us and five years for you.” Yaz flinched at that. “I can see it in your eyes, Yaz. Have been able to for a while now. That you wanna know. Whenever we’ve brought the subject up, you get this _—_ almost curious but fearful expression come across your face. It’s like you wanna know, but you’re too scared to find out.”

He was right. Yaz was scared. Scared to find out that she’d been right all along and that the Doctor’s explanation was going to be that yes, she  _ did _ hate Yaz, she  _ didn’t  _ care about her, she kissed her all that time ago  _ just _ to make it hurt more when she left her behind.

Graham moved to the side and gestured behind him _—_ to the Doctor. “So now you have a choice. Granted we maybe haven’t gone about it the best way and I am sorry for that. But you can either sit down and learn the truth, or you can leave. We won’t judge you either way, Yaz. But we’re just thinking of your best interests here. This has been eating away at you for a while and now’s your chance for answers.” 

Yaz had never seen Graham so serious before. 

And she’d never known the Doctor so quiet. 

She was silently putting the ball in Yaz’s court, not convincing her of either option. Allowing Yaz the complete freedom of her own choice in a situation neither of them felt comfortable in. It was  _ such  _ a Doctor thing to do.

“Fine.” Yaz decided sternly.

Every set of eyes apart from her own widened in the room.

“What…” she heard the Doctor finally utter. Hearing her voice for the second time, as quiet as it may have been, after almost six months, was jarring. The one simple word was said with such softness that Yaz felt her heart flutter in her chest. Later on she’d blame it on nerves. 

“You heard me. I said fine. I wanna know.” Yaz admitted, dropping down on one end of the sofa, as close to the arm rest as possible. “I wanna know what happened while you were gone. Why you left me for so long.” 

Yaz chose to ignore the hopeful grins exchanged between Ryan and Graham, unable to drag her gaze away from the Doctor. Her expression was still frozen in shock.

After a moment, the Doctor composed herself with a slight nod before turning to the two men. “Could we um _—_ have some privacy?” she asked gently.

“Oh, course Doc, me and Ryan’ll hide away in the back garden, won’t we?”

“Yeah, yeah. No problem. Come on, Grandad.” 

As soon the door shut behind Graham, the silence in the room was so thick Yaz could’ve choked on it. 

The Doctor hadn’t moved, feet glued to the spot as her eyes wandered over Yaz. It must’ve been just as unnerving for her after all this time, Yaz thought.

“Sit down, Doctor.” she instructed. 

The Doctor finally shifted, perching on the sofa a little closer than Yaz would’ve liked, but she didn’t say anything. 

“Yaz _—_ ”

“Listen, Doctor. All I want at the moment, this very second, is an explanation. So what you’re going to do first before anything else, is tell me  _ exactly _ what happened. And you better hope it’s a bloody good explanation.”

The Doctor practically nodded with her whole body, eyes honest and intense. Yaz could see the cogs turning behind hazel-green, slotting into place one by one as she went through what to say step by step. “Right. Yes. Of course. No problem.”

Wringing her hands in her lap nervously, the Doctor took a deep breath. 

“Yaz,” the Doctor started, “There’s one thing you need to understand before I properly begin. Thibiea-7 is part of a solar system made of ten planets, all named Thibiea one through ten. In the galaxy that Thibiea-7 is part of, time moves  _ faster.  _ It’s like, throughout the universe there are these small pockets where time warps and moves differently, sometimes faster, sometimes slower. It’s just unfortunate Thibiea-7 is in a place where it moves faster. Hence the time difference for us both when I managed to land us back on the planet.”

The Doctor takes pause, allowing Yaz a moment to process the information before continuing to talk _—_ with her mouth and her hands, “Now, the reason I couldn’t get back to you was because around the planet there was a barrier blocking me from getting back in. It took me quite a bit of time and quite a lot of digging to find out the reason why I couldn’t get through for so long. The barrier was powered by an antimatter drive. One so powerful, even a TARDIS couldn’t get through.

Because you see, Thibien planets are small. They only need one governing body for the whole planet and the governments of Thibiea-7 and Thibiea-8 had an extremely volatile relationship. They were on the brink of war. The amount of antimatter they had could blow up an entire solar system in the wrong hands. You keeping up with me?” the Doctor offered, trying to make sure her explanation was clear enough for Yaz to understand. 

“Yes.”

“Ok, so, a group of government scientists banded together, made the incredibly powerful barrier with all this antimatter to stop them from getting out. Trapping themselves on the planet to prevent war from starting. It forced negotiations between the two planets that lasted seventy five years. They went on long after we picked you up.”

Yaz took in a sharp breath, features contorted into a frown, “So, are you saying I got caught up in the planet’s politics?”

“Yes. You did. I’m sorry, Yaz.”

“And because I was on the outskirts living by that little village I missed  _ all  _ of this.”

“Yes.” 

Letting out a frustrated sigh, Yaz straightened up, “That still doesn’t explain why I got left behind.”

“No, it doesn’t. Getting to that now,” the Doctor spoke softly. 

“Well?”

“If the TARDIS didn’t leave Thibiea-7 the  _ second  _ it did, we  _ all  _ would’ve got trapped inside when the barrier went up. No way out. All of us stuck on that planet for seventy five years. That barrier is impenetrable from the inside out, not  _ quite  _ from the outside in, hence why I was able to break through.” 

The Doctor licked her lips nervously before moving to the next part of her explanation, “Yaz, do you see what I’m trying to say? We would have been trapped on Thibiea-7 for seventy five years. No way off. You would’ve all grown old around me and you never would’ve seen your families again. By the time that barrier opened up you would’ve all been dead. Or if you were really lucky, you and Ryan might’ve lived to ninety five. I couldn’t have taken you home then anyway!” the Doctor’s voice was starting to wobble, her eyes glazing over, “You’d have been older than your nani.”

Yaz could feel a reluctant lump starting to form in her own throat, though she forcefully swallowed it down.

“So essentially, Yaz, what all this boils down to _—_ is in that moment the TARDIS made a choice. Stay on Thibiea-7 and watch all of you die and never see your families again. Or dematerialise in that moment, and save you all at what ended up being a cost. The worst part?” the Doctor let a tear fall, it trailed slowly and painfully down her cheek, “The worst part is that you innocently taking a few seconds more to appreciate a view I’d taken you to see ended up putting you through five years of hell.” 

The Doctor wiped at her cheeks, letting the steady stream fall as she continued, her voice shaking on every word, “And don’t  _ ever  _ think I am blaming you for that. You should've been able to enjoy that view with no qualms. Should’ve been able to wander back into the TARDIS after you were done appreciating it so I could whisk you off to the next journey. But we managed to get ourselves caught in the middle of something none of us realised. Yaz, I cannot tell you how sorry I am and I really,  _ really _ , hope you can understand now that this was never on purpose. I’d never leave you like that I _—_ ”

The Doctor cut herself off, and Yaz felt sick at the hope that flurried through her chest for  _ just  _ a moment that she’d finish that sentence. 

The silence that lingered was long and haunting, Yaz’s thoughts reeling with the Doctor’s explanation. In the five years she’d waited and the six months more at home, the answer she’d gotten wasn’t the one she had expected in the slightest because, well _—_ it made sense. And the Doctor didn’t abandon her. After everything her mind had darkly conjured up and manifested, the Doctor cared. 

Yaz had been wrong.

“Yaz?” the Doctor called her name gently, tentatively reaching out a hand before drawing it back at the last second. Her head dipped in search of Yaz’s lost and fallen gaze, and after a moment, Yaz finally came back to the room.

“I _—_ I understand. But I don’t forgive you.” 

Yaz was convinced in that moment she heard the Doctor’s hearts crack _—_ and for the first time in a very long time, that wasn’t what she wanted. 

The Doctor’s face fell, posture sinking, eyes wide and sad like a kicked puppy as they welled up again. “Oh _—_ No, I get it. Of course I–”

“Not yet.”

“Huh?”

“I said not yet, Doctor.” Yaz sighed, her own eyes glistening with unshed tears as she met the Doctor’s gaze, “It’s going to take time.” 

“I can give you all the time in the universe, Yasmin Khan.” the Doctor uttered, the smallest, most hopeful of smiles pulling at her lips.

The Doctor’s hand dropped to the cushion resting between them, her fingers twitching. Yaz eyed them, thoughts racing and heart pounding as she lay her own next to it.

Neither of them spoke, and Yaz couldn’t hear anything but her own breath catching in her throat when their pinky fingers inched molecules apart _—_ only for Yaz to pull away moments before they touched, standing from the sofa as she cleared her throat. 

“I _—_ I’m gonna go.” she said, tongue stumbling over her words as her brain still made its way out of its haze. She looked around for a coat she never took off until the pull of leather registered against her arms. 

“Ok, yeah _—_ yeah, that’s… ok, Yaz.” The words tumbled from the Doctor’s lips just as awkwardly as Yaz’s, unsure of where they both stood. 

Yaz went to walk out the room, though she found herself stopping in the doorway, turning back to the Doctor, “Um _—_ maybe you can come here next week? For dinner?”

The grin that brightened the Doctor’s face at Yaz’s offer could’ve put the sun to shame. Her eyes shined as they crinkled at the sides, dimples etching her cheeks as she nodded. “Yes. Definitely. Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant, Yaz. Thank you.” the Doctor said with such sincerity, that Yaz felt it bleeding into her own heart. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you can stop shouting at me for sad angsty chapter endings now 😘


	17. Oh God, I miss you too, we got making up to do

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we back! soz for the delay but uni was taking up my time. ew i know x
> 
> (also miss you by gabrielle aplin is literally the anthem for this chapter lol hence why its the chapter title)
> 
> thank u as always to my beta @timelxrd

A week later when Graham opened his front door, Yaz was immediately assaulted with the scent of burning. 

“ _What_ is that?”

Ah, well you see, Yaz,” Graham began as he ushered her inside, “The Doc insisted on cooking because well, you know, she was understandably excited. But this is the Doc we’re talking about so _—_ ” he paused, taking Yaz’s coat and hanging it on the stair railing, “she burnt it… to a crisp.”

Yaz chuckled as she slipped off her boots and shook her head, nonplussed at the information.

“I left her alone for two minutes. _Two!_ I dunno how she does it, Yaz, honestly.” 

The tension eased from Yaz through Graham’s frenzy, the admittedly amusing situation dampening her nerves as she stepped through into the living room. “So, what are we actually eating? Please don’t tell me it's,” Yaz sniffed the air, “whatever that was supposed to be.” 

“No. Don’t worry, love. We ordered pizza. Though what the Doc ordered for herself is just as much an abomination as whatever she tried to make in there.” 

“Do I wanna know?” 

“You really don’t.” 

It’s then that a flurry of blonde hair peeks around the door frame of the kitchen. Yaz was pretty sure a few strands were looking a little frazzled, “Hiya!” the Doctor waved enthusiastically.

“Hi,” Yaz smiled back politely, nerves flaring again at the sight of the Doctor as she stepped out fully, wiping her sooted hands on a tea towel. 

“I’m really sorry about dinner,” she apologised, face scrunching, “turns out your supposed to follow the instructions rather than to try add your own flare–” 

“Trying to use a blowtorch to, and I quote, ‘fry it faster’, is _not_ adding your own flare!” Graham exclaimed, running a hand down his tired face.

“Well, I thought it was salvageable,” the Doctor pouted, flipping the towel back to rest over her shoulder and folding her arms.

“Doc it _—_ it was black as coal are you insane?” 

“Well _—_ ”

“You know what, don’t answer that.”

The Doctor grinned at the older man while Ryan’s laughter drifted between them from the background. Though it soon filtered out of Yaz’s ears when the Doctor’s gaze fell to her and softened immediately, “How are you anyway, Yaz? You been ok?” the Doctor asked, her fingers twisting in the corner of the towel in a nervous tick.

“Erm, yeah, not too bad. Work’s been a bit of a struggle but…” Yaz trailed off, not sure where she was going, mind fuzzing over at how intently the Doctor was listening.

“Is everything alright?” she questioned, concern lacing her tone as she took a step forward.

“No, no, it’s alright, it’s just _—_ hard sometimes because, well,” Yaz didn’t feel the end of the sentence was necessary, proven right by the slight widening of the Doctor’s eyes and the noticeable slump to her shoulders. 

“Ah _—_ right, well, did Graham mention we ordered pizza?” the Doctor changed the subject, noticing Yaz’s discomfort for the topic they were heading toward. She offered the Doctor a grateful smile. 

“Yeah, he did,” Yaz’s tongue darted out to lick her lips nervously as she pushed herself to engage more, “told me not ask what you ordered for yourself.” 

“Oi!” the Doctor’s gaze snapped back to the older man who Yaz had admittedly forgotten was standing next to her.

“Sorry Doc, but your choice of topping is disgusting.”

“It–”

“Grandad’s right, Doctor,” Ryan called from where he sat at the kitchen table, “It’s literally the worst thing I’ve ever heard.”

The Doctor just huffed in response, “Don’t knock it ‘til you’ve tried it!”

“I bloody will,” Graham said as she slipped by the Doctor and back into the kitchen, leaving the two women on their own. 

The Doctor moved to set herself down on the sofa, “Feel like I should stay away from the kitchen, left it in a bit of state,” she finally admitted, a grimace wrinkling her features. 

“Probably best,” Yaz agreed, setting herself on the other end, the decent gap between them a comfort for now. 

There’s an awkward pause where both women twitch nervously on either end of the sofa until the Doctor finally cleared her throat and shifted to face Yaz, “Yaz, I actually have something I wanna giv _—_ ” 

A knock at the door interrupted the Doctor. Then a few seconds later Ryan dashed past, “Pizza’s here! Thank _God_. I’m starving.”

* * *

They’re sat at the dining table, takeaway boxes littering the surface as the Doctor pulled out a chair opposite Yaz, Graham opposite his grandson.

“Doc, I’m dreading you opening that box.” 

“Can you stop insulting my pizza, please?” she scowled, opening up the box and insulting the entire room.

“Doctor, what is _that?!_ ” Ryan exclaimed.

“Oh my God,” Yaz murmured under her breath. 

“Oi! You two. Like I said before, don’t knock it ‘til you’ve tried it!”

“I’d rather not assault my taste buds,” Yaz quipped.

The Doctor’s face turned shocked at the playful remark from Yaz, though it quickly morphed into a pleased smile.

Yaz tried not to think about how her chest warmed at the sight. 

When the Doctor lifted a slice to her lips, Yaz saw the full horror of the Doctor’s pizza. Her chosen toppings were a mix of pineapple, anchovies, olives and pickles and when she took a bite, she hummed in delight while the rest of the room cringed. 

With a mouth full of pizza, all the Doctor could do was glare. 

The conversation over their dinner was light, and Yaz felt herself starting to relax as they ate, shoulders loosening with each quiet laugh. She didn’t talk much, just watched the chatter around her. She listened to Graham continue to complain about the Doctor’s pizza, listened to him chastise Ryan for burping _—_ watched the Doctor laugh at Ryan’s burp. It was silly, and a little scary that she was already starting to feel more comfortable in their presence. 

The scariest thing was how nice it felt to be around the Doctor again and not have to argue, to not want to argue, or shout or scream in her face. The boiling pot of rage in the pit of her stomach had petered off to simmer, which had petered off to nothing at all. Just cool water, sat in the pan, all heat gone. 

It was strange not to feel that burning anger, but with that came immense relief. It made her feel _—_ normal. 

The Doctor was the first one to notice how quiet she was being. 

“You alright, Yaz?” 

Blinking up from where she stared blankly at her food, she smiled, and the Doctor flushed. “Yeah. Yeah, I am.”

* * *

The rest of the evening went just as well as dinner. They sat and watched a film as a group, some American comedy that Yaz wasn’t fussed with but made the boys laugh. Her gaze kept flitting over to the Doctor, the blonde sat between the two men while Yaz sat in the armchair by the window. 

The Doctor kept catching her eye, of course she could sense Yaz looking her way _—_ it made her cheeks warm. 

By the end of the film Graham was asleep and Ryan was yawning, so Yaz took it as her cue to leave. It was the Doctor who walked her to the door; it was always going to be the Doctor. 

“Will you be alright getting home? Do you want me to walk with you?” 

“I’ll be fine, Doctor. Just down the road, remember?”

“I know, I just _—_ ” she sighed, shoving her hands in her trouser pockets, “I just want to make sure you’re safe.” 

The Doctor’s smile was shy, nervous, like she wasn’t sure how Yaz would take the sentiment. If anything, Yaz was flattered by her concern. After their conversation a week prior, Yaz knew the Doctor was being genuine, she really did just want Yaz safe. That much was clear in her honest eyes.

“I’ll be fine, Doctor. I promise. Thank you, though _—_ for offering,”

The Doctor simply nodded in response, but just before Yaz was about to bid her goodnight, her eyes widened and she spoke up again, nearly jumping on the spot, “Oh! I almost forgot _—_ um,” Hand digging further into her pocket, Yaz watched her rummage around until she finally grasped something with a quiet cheer of success, “Here,” 

Sat in the Doctor’s open palm was her watch, it’s face fixed and catching the gleam of the moonlight. 

“Doctor–”

“Please take it, Yaz. You don’t have to wear it if you don’t want to. I just want you to have it. As another apology, though I know I can never give you enough of those.”

Tentative at first, Yaz’s fingers twitched and her head spun, memories of throwing that very watch back at the Doctor in utter fury flashing behind her eyes. It was a horrible memory _—_ perhaps it was time to switch it out for a better one. 

With a hard swallow she was sure the Doctor would see, Yaz reached out and picked up the watch, fingertips brushing against the Doctor’s palm and sending sparks through her nerve endings straight to her chest.

“Thanks,” she whispered, and she heard the Doctor let out a breath. 

When Yaz looked up, the Doctor’s eyes brimmed with tears as her smile shook. 

“Goodnight, Doctor.”

“Goodnight, Yaz.” the Doctor croaked. 

Yaz gripped the watch tight the whole way home, her mind not in Sheffield. It was back on Thibiea-7, playing through everyday she’d worn the watch on her wrist until she gave up and peeled it off. She remembered it had been on so long that it had left a mark. 

* * *

“Mum?” 

“Yes, love?”

Yaz sat at the table swirling cereal around her bowl, too nervous to feel hungry. “I’ve started seeing the Doctor.”

Najia froze. It felt like an eternity before her shoulders loosened with a sigh, and the sound of a mug dropping into the washing up bowl made Yaz jump in her seat. 

“How long?”

“Huh?”

“How long have you been seeing her for?” Najia asked, finally turning to reveal the anger contorting her features, “And what do you even _mean_ by seeing her? Are you _–_ ”

“No! For God’s sake mum! I just mean I’ve been talking with her again. She was at Graham’s last night for–”

“Hang on,” her mum butted in, hand held up in pause, “Graham?” 

_Shit._

“Um–”

“ _Oh_ , so you’ve been seeing all of them, have you? Behind my back? Behind your father’s back?”

“Yes.” Yaz replied bluntly, folding her arms on the table.

“Have you forgotten what they did to you? What _she_ did to you?”

“Course I haven’t! And besides, it’s not even what you think anymore.”

“What do you–”

“I let her explain, ok?” Yaz stood, palms resting on the table, “I sat down with the Doctor, and I let her explain what happened to me. And you know what? It made sense. It wasn’t _—_ It wasn’t her fault I got stuck there. She didn’t just abandon me.” 

“So what, she’s suddenly forgiven now for the trauma she’s left you with?”

“No! I don’t forgive her. Not yet. But I accepted her apology. Two different things. And it’s nice to not _—_ ” Yaz sighed, “It’s nice to not feel angry at her all the time, mum. It’s like a weight off my chest. I feel like I can properly start healing now.”

“I’m not happy about this.” Najia chided, “I don’t approve of you seeing her after _—_ ”

Yaz groaned, eyes rolling, “It’s my choice, mum! Not yours. My life. I’m older now, remember? I can make my own decisions and I’m happy with this one. You can’t _possibly_ understand what it’s like. No one on this planet has been through what I’ve been through, so I can make my own choices. There’s not exactly a ‘ _How To’_ book on what to do if you get stuck on an alien planet for five years. Five years that I lost. I don’t want to spend any more time being angry.” 

Taking a breath, Yaz could feel damp frustration pricking at the corners of her eyes as her shoulders slumped, “You don’t get what it’s like to suddenly feel like you don’t fit in because your whole _bloody_ life got spun on its axis. Everyone looks at me differently now, mum. You do, dad does, Sonya does. Even Ryan and Graham. You’ve all _always_ got a little bit of pity in your eyes when you look at me and I _hate_ it.”

“Does the Doctor?”

“What?”

“The Doctor. Does she look at you with pity, too?”

Swallowing the lump in her throat, Yaz sucked in a shaky breath, “No. She doesn’t.” she replied simply before walking away. 

As soon as her bedroom door fell shut, Yaz’s phone was already dialing. 

It only rang out twice before the line clicked in response. 

_“Hello?”_

“Doctor?”

_“Yaz? You did mean to call me right? Not someone else?”_ the Doctor’s tone sounded despondent, and it made Yaz’s chest clench.

“No, no, I meant to call you. Um _—_ can we talk?” 

_“Sure,”_ the Doctor responded, though she sounded nervous, _“What’s up?”_

“I mean in person. Can we meet somewhere? Not the TAR _—_ the, um–”

_“Of course.”_ Yaz was grateful for the Doctor’s interruption, for her understanding. _“Where you thinking?”_

The park was busy and the sun was bright, though the brush of the wind was cool on Yaz’s cheeks as they walked side by side. The Doctor’s hands twitched until she stuck them in her pockets, anxious energy rolling off her in heavy waves.

“Told my mum I’d started seeing you lot again this morning.” Yaz admitted finally, breaking the long silence that had stuck itself between them.

“Oh?”

“She didn’t take it well.”

“Ah.”

“Yeah…” 

“I mean she has every right to hate me–”

“Doctor.” Yaz stopped walking, her voice stern. It took a few more steps for the other woman to notice, turning around with surprise until Yaz joined her again, “If I don’t hate you _—_ why should she?”

The shock on the Doctor’s face was insurmountable, which only led Yaz to one conclusion, “Doctor? You don’t still think I–”

“No,” the Doctor’s eyes refused to meet her own.

“Doctor,” Yaz almost took her hand, almost, “I don’t, ok? I don’t hate you.” 

The Doctor nodded, lips pulled tight as she finally met Yaz’s gaze, “Ok.” 

They started walking again, a considerable amount of time passing before either woman spoke again. It was Yaz. “You know, I sort of understand you more, now.”

The Doctor looked at her, puzzled, “What do you mean?” 

“I get it. What it feels like to not fit in. To feel out of place. I only spent five years on that planet, Doctor, but it feels like I’ve aged decades. It feels like I’ve lost my place here in Sheffield _—_ on Earth.”

It was a heavy admission that surprised them both, while also connecting them on a new level, slowly closing the ever mountainous gap between them, “It’s hard, I’ll admit. Trying to fit where you think you don’t belong. Got a lot of experience of that.” the Doctor’s mind wandered far away for a moment before she managed to pull it back to the conversation, “Just make sure you surround yourself with people who love you, Yaz. Support is key, those people will ground you in the present when you feel yourself drifting away.”

They walked in a little more silence before the Doctor paused mid-stride and spun on her heel to face Yaz, “Wait, you were looking for advice, weren’t you?”

“Yes, I was. Thank you,” A beat, “It’s also nice to know I’m not alone.”

The Doctor’s smile is earnest, her eyes gentle, “Never, Yaz. Not while I’m around.” 

* * *

Next week's dinner was easier than the last. The initial nerves left far behind, a new understanding between Yaz and the Doctor easing the atmosphere.

Graham cooked and it was a success. They spent the evening out in the garden watching the stars in the clear sky. The Doctor pointed out the constellations, naming each and every star as they watched on in wonder at her unending knowledge. 

The third week was even better than the previous two. Graham got ingredients in, Yaz cooked, and the Doctor told her it was the best curry she’d ever tasted. Inwardly, she blamed the flush of her cheeks on the spice of the curry. 

Week four involved the best chips in the universe _—_ with a side of curry sauce.

It was the week following Yaz’s fourth dinner with the Doctor that she ran into her on the street. Literally.

Yaz was on a morning run, her pace fast and breathing hard until the Doctor turned a corner and Yaz almost slammed right into her. Luckily both of them had fast reactions as Yaz skidded to a stop and the Doctor put her arms out to halt her. 

Gripping lightly at Yaz’s triceps, the Doctor soon yanked her hands away with a pink tint to her cheeks when she realised what she was doing, “Sorry, Yaz!”

Yaz shook her head while she caught her breath, hands resting on her knees as she bent over and tugged an earphone out, “It’s fine,” she panted, “My bad, really. I was going pretty fast.”

“You were! You’re like that blue hedgehog thing you humans love!”

“Sonic?”

“Sonic! That’s the one. Strange little thing he is isn’t he?”

“Erm _—_ I ‘spose?” 

“Did you always run that fast?” the Doctor asked after a moment.

“No. It’s sort of just the pace I picked up back on _—_ you know,”

“Oh,”

An awkward silence brewed between them, the Doctor swaying on her feet as her lips moved like she wanted to say something but was holding back.

They might have been getting used to each other again, but Yaz still knew the Doctor, “C’mon Doctor, spit it out.”

The Doctor stammered in surprise, feet stilling as she cleared her throat, “Well I was wandering, as we’re both out if you wanted to um _—_ get coffee?” 

Yaz looked down at her sweaty clothes and pondered, though the Doctor seemed to draw her own conclusions from her slow response, “Ah, of course. Out on a run _—_ stupid Doctor. Don’t worry about it, Yaz, we can _—_ ”

“Yeah,” Yaz’s head snapped up, “Why not?”

“Oh _—_ oh! Okay, brilliant. Where do you wanna go?” 

“I think there’s a Costa at the end of the street,”

“Costa coffee with Yaz, amazin’,” There’s a pause, then— “Yaz, what’s a Costa coffee? Is it a new flavour? One of your twenty-first century trends?”

Yaz just laughed at the Doctor’s naivety, it wasn’t often she was the one teaching the Doctor something new, “No Doctor it _—_ it’s the brand.” 

“Ah, right. I knew that. I was just testing you.”

“Sure,” Yaz joked back. “Can we get it to go, though? I’d rather not sit around in sweaty clothes.”

The city was quiet as the two women walked, Yaz with a flat white and the Doctor with a frappuccino she’s sure is ninety percent sugar. 

“You sure I’m gonna like this, Yaz?”

“Doctor, it’s literally a biscuit flavoured drink, I guarantee you’ll like it.” 

When the Doctor took her first sip, her eyes sparkled with delight and she pulled her lips away from the straw with a grin. “Yaz _—_ that’s brilliant!”

“You know, with the amount of time you say you’ve spent on Earth, I can’t believe you’ve never had a frappuccino before.” Yaz quipped, taking a sip of her own coffee. 

“Usually because I’m being chased by aliens, Yaz. No time to stop for a frappuccino! Or I’m just here at a time when frappuccinos aren’t a thing.” 

They settled into comfortable chatter as they milled through the streets, the Doctor halfway through explaining how she was there for the creation of the mocha when Yaz spoke up.

“Ryan told me you’ve been living on Earth.”

Stunned into silence at the revelation of her not so secret, the Doctor fished for an excuse while the perspiration of her coffee cup dampened her hands. It took her a long moment to come up with a response.

“I’m waiting for you,” she shrugged simply. 

The response gave Yaz pause. It was just a few words, but they said so much more. “Don’t you miss it? The universe?”

“Course I do. It’s just not the same without you there with me.” 

Yaz felt her cheeks warm at the admission, her chest doing the same as her heart jumped.

By the time they finished their coffees they were outside the TARDIS, the monument standing tall and proud and leaving Yaz on edge. 

“She’s sorry, you know.” the Doctor said as she rubbed her hand along worn, blue wood. 

“What?”

“The TARDIS. She’s sorry too _—_ about what happened.”

“Oh, right.” The silence between them was heavy before Yaz found her voice again, “I need more time before I…”

“I understand.” the Doctor nodded reassuringly. “Take all the time you need, Yaz. We’ll be here.”

“Thank you.”

“See you at Graham’s?” the Doctor called out when Yaz went to step away.

“Yeah, see you at Graham’s.”

* * *

The tradition of dinner at Graham’s continued as months passed, four of them, to be exact. The Khan’s had long been forced to accept the re-additions to Yaz’s life with a great reluctance on their behalf that Yaz chose to ignore. 

Like she told her mum, it was her life, they had to accept her decision. 

It was sitting in Graham’s garden one evening with a blanket wrapped around her shoulders that Yaz decided it was the best decision she’d ever made. The Doctor’s advice had been truly golden, it allowed her extra support on bad days, and a good laugh on the better days. 

Today was one of the much better days, despite the cold. The metal chair was cool against her backside as she sat outside on her own. The boys had already gone in, complaining of the cold, but Yaz enjoyed it, the crisp air kept her head clear and when she heard the Doctor step out the back door behind her, she knew she was going to need it. 

“You ok?” the Doctor asked softly as she pulled up a chair to sit next to Yaz.

“Yeah, are you?”

“Always fine me, Yaz.” There was a companionable quiet before the Doctor spoke again, “Want me to point out any stars?”

“Not tonight.” 

Keeping her eye on the sky, connecting the stars in her own mind like a dot-to-dot, Yaz took in a shaky breath, and reached for the Doctor’s hand. 

She heard a quiet gasp next to her, the sudden tense of the grip in her hand loosening and shifting to fit their knuckles together and clasp lightly, “Doctor?”

“Yes?”

Yaz turned to seek emerald eyes, the sparkle of the stars reflected in green hues. Letting her gaze drop, the Doctor followed, both of them focusing on the watch clipped around Yaz’s now exposed wrist _—_ she’d worn an oversized jumper to keep it hidden until now. 

“I forgive you.” 

The thing that made Yaz look up was the splash of a tear on the back of her hand.

“Really?” the Doctor’s eyes were the brightest Yaz had ever seen them, brimming with hope as a smile tugged at her cheeks.

“Yeah.” Yaz smiled back. “I think I’m ready.”

The Doctor wiped at her cheeks as her eyes widened, “You mean _—_ ”

“I do. Want to go on a trip?”

The Doctor huffed a watery laugh, she hadn’t stopped smiling yet and Yaz wondered if her cheeks ached. “Yasmin Khan _—_ I’d love nothing more.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THEYYYYYYYYY 
> 
> you don't know how happy i was not having to write them be sad and angsty all the time


	18. Habits of my heart

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AHHHHH OK SO this is technically the last chapter of the story and yes i could've waited until tuesday but honestly i'm too impatient!!! but this is so CRAZY i literally can't believe it.
> 
> for starers i wanna say thank you SO SO SO much to everyone that has followed this story up until this point. thank you to everyone that has read and left kudos and commented, your love and support has meant EVERYTHING honestly one of my fave things has been seeing your reactions to the big moments of this fic and i hope this end does them justice <3
> 
> i've loved writing this fic so much it's like my baby and it's so sad to be so close to the end but it has to finish eventually :(
> 
> NOW i say this is technically the end because yes there is one chapter left BUT it won't be attached the plot of the story because this chapter finishes up the plot/story/crazy journey yaz has been on
> 
> the last chapter is gonna be M rated for cheeky reasons i'm sure you can guess and i've kept it separate for people who don't read smut <3 
> 
> so again, thank you all for reading up to this point, love you all, and i really hope you enjoy x

Yaz had barely slept. Her mind had been racing all night, the anticipation of the following day too much to allow herself any sense of calm.

She was going back on the TARDIS _—_ today.

They were meeting at 9am. Yaz was up and ready for 7am. 

She hadn’t told her parents or her sister, didn’t need the impending argument that would follow. This was only one trip. A tester. It wasn’t like it was all back to normal.

There was an excitement buzzing through Yaz. An excitement that she remembered from nearly six years ago and it was slightly surprising and frankly, terrifying. 

It was a shock to wake up to such an untapped feeling. Excitement hadn’t exactly been something Yaz had experienced over the past few years, so the feeling was a little overwhelming. 

Yet, the overall prospect of stepping back in that big blue box with the Doctor was undeniably nerve wracking. 

Hence why Yaz found herself sneaking out the house at 7am to clear her head.

Only Sonya peeked out of her own room just as Yaz was about to open the door.

“Oi, where you off to?” 

“Erm _—_ nowhere.” Yaz stammered.

“Come on, Yaz. You’ve always been a bad liar, still are.” she chided, arms folding as she spoke. 

Yaz sighed, releasing her grip on the door handle, “I’m _—_ ”

She didn’t need to finish her sentence, the look in her eyes alone giving it away.

Sonya deflated, concern creasing her brow, “Yaz _—_ ”

“Sonya, I’m gonna be fine. They’ll look after me. I promise.”

“Like they did nearly six years ago?”

“Son–”

“I don’t like you doing this, Yaz. What if _—_ what if it happens  _ again _ ?”

“It won’t.”

“But what if it does.”

“Sonya,” Yaz took a step toward her sister, “I can’t not go. I miss it. Travelling, with the Doctor. With Ryan and Graham. I guess _—_ I guess I  _ can’t really  _ promise anything, but I have to risk it. This is for me, Son. It’s what I wanna do and you can’t stop me. I have to–” Yaz’s gaze darted up to the ceiling, a rush of emotion dampening her eyes before focusing back on Sonya, “–I have to trust the Doctor.”

Sonya’s mouth stuttered open and closed, as if searching for a response she couldn’t find. Instead, Yaz found her sister’s arms engulfing her in a hug. She wrapped her arms around Sonya’s back, squeezing tight before slowly letting go.

“Just _—_ come back, yeah?”

“Yeah,” Yaz whispered, before heading out the door.

* * *

The walk around town did little to calm Yaz’s nerves, and by 8am she was at Ryan and Graham’s and had barely been in the house five minutes when she was sat down with a cup of tea in front of her, Ryan opposite and munching his way through a bowl of cereal. 

“So, how you feeling?” he asked through a spoonful.

“Nervous,” Yaz answered honestly, grip tightening around her mug. 

Swallowing, Ryan reached out, hand covering one of Yaz’s, “Hey, you’re gonna be fine, yeah? All of us are gonna be looking after you.  _ Especially _ the Doctor. After you left last night she went over about a million contingencies. We’re not leaving you again, Yaz, ever. Alright?”

She nodded in affirmation, forcing down the lump in her throat, “Alright.” 

The gentle hand of Graham’s on her shoulder startled her, but she soon found herself relaxing under its comfort, “We’ve got you, love.”

* * *

Yaz felt nauseous when the front door shut behind Graham, the sound of the key turning in the lock was sharp in her ears as Ryan gently nudged her along, heading down the steps and onto the pavement. They all crossed the road together, and Yaz held her breath as she took her first tenacious step onto the damp grass beneath her feet.

Slowly, they made their way over to the TARDIS, apprehension buzzing around them, right up until deep blue doors swung open, bathing them in a warm orange glow. The Doctor stood in the doorway, a nervous smile tugging at the corner of her mouth. 

“Hiya,”

“Hi.” Yaz nodded back.

“So,” the Doctor began breezily, “you ready?”

Yaz’s gaze wandered past the Doctor and into the depths of the console room. It was as warm and inviting as ever, and she swore she could feel a slight tug in her mind, something welcoming, something apologetic. This time, she didn’t bat it away. 

Yaz let out a sharp breath, willing her tense muscles to relax, “Yeah.”

“Are you sure, Yaz? I know you’re the one who said you wanted to go on a trip again but I don’t want you thinking you have to. There’s no pressure, ok? Just _—_ be sure.” the Doctor echoed from times past. 

Yaz took a moment, remembering back to that very day. The day she began her journey with the Doctor, officially, and remembered exactly what she said back. The word on her tongue felt heavier now, weighed down with history and time and regret, yet it was no less powerful when she replied, “Sure.”

The Doctor beamed, just like the first time round, “Well then,” she stepped aside, gesturing to the deep expanse of the ship, “welcome back to the TARDIS, Yaz. We’ve missed you.”

The first step inside was surreal, the Doctor by her side, Graham and Ryan behind her, Yaz stepped into the ship and instantly felt welcoming warmth envelop her, the feeling made her lips twitch upwards. The Doctor stayed by her side all the way up to the console, and when Yaz carefully reached out to press her palm against it, the warmth that washed over her when she entered the ship focused into her hand. The TARDIS was saying  _ ‘hello. I missed you,’  _ and Yaz could feel it.

Ryan and Graham soon joined them, placing themselves around the console, ready for adventure.

Hands on hips, the Doctor grinned at them all, “Right then gang, where do we wanna go?”

“Well, Doc, as it’s Yaz’s first trip back; I think she should get to choose.”

“What the old man said,” Ryan agreed, pointing his thumb Graham’s way who looked more than offended.

“Old man?! You cheeky gi–”

“Graham, you’re absolutely right!” the Doctor interrupted, turning to Yaz with a soft smile and gentle eyes, “Yaz?”

“Somewhere where we’re not gonna run into trouble.” she stated. 

“Excellent idea, Yasmin Khan, though I’ll try not to take too much offence at that.” 

“Trouble may as well be your middle name, Doc. I dunno why you’re offended.” 

The Doctor paused in her adjustment of flicks and switches, “Oi!’

“The Trouble Doctor.” Ryan laughed, Graham catching on along with Yaz, albeit more subdued. 

“This is bullying.” the Doctor pouted as she turned a dial, checked the screen and rested her hand over the dematerialisation lever with a slight grimace. “Now, it has been nearly a year since I piloted her so I can’t promise a smooth ride.”

“Bloody hell, it’s never smooth anyway.”

“So what you’re saying is, hold on?” Yaz questioned knowingly, and the Doctor grinned back. 

“Yep!”

* * *

The TARDIS wheezed and groaned as it landed with a rattle, the doors flying open as soon as it clunked to the ground, Graham stumbling out clutching his stomach, face turned a shade of green. 

“Sorry!” the Doctor’s voice echoed from inside the ship.

Ryan was the next out, laughing at his grandad as he slowly recovered from the stomach churning trip. 

“Tell you what, I haven’t missed that.” Yaz claimed as she stepped out the TARDIS, the Doctor right behind her with a sheepish look on her face.

“Seriously, sorry guys. I’m a little rusty at the moment, I’ll get back into it soon enough though!”

“Soon ain’t soon enough.” Graham complained, standing straight to suck in a deep breath of fresh air. 

“So, where are we?” Yaz asked nervously, shoving her hands into the pockets of her leather jacket as she looked around. 

“Welcome to the planet of Nemboda! Peaceful planet Nemboda is, never been part of any wars, friendly people, welcoming of visitors. I checked at least thirteen times and there is  _ no  _ trouble here. Not today, anyway.”

“You better be right, Doc.”

The Doctor scoffed in response, “Have a little faith will you?”

“So what is there to do here, then?” Ryan asked, coming to stand next to Yaz and the Doctor.

“There’s lots of little markets here, collectables, antiques, technology,” she paused a moment, “food.” 

Ryan’s face lit up at that along with Graham’s. “Food market, eh? Where’s that then, Doc?”

The Doctor rolled her eyes in fond amusement at the boys and their endless pits of stomachs, “Honestly you two, it’s that way.” she pointed to her right, “We’ll all go together. Yaz, you hungry?” 

“Yeah, actually,” Yaz admitted, “I were too nervous to eat this morning.”

The Doctor gave her an encouraging smile before starting to walk, “Come on then, let’s see what they’ve got.” 

The group ambled through the market, the Doctor pointing out all sorts of alien foods, more specifically what they couldn’t eat. Ryan and Graham had opted for some sort of burger while Yaz and the Doctor decided on something that actually resembled breakfast. They sat down at a table in the middle area of the food market, both women setting their Nembodan version of a waffle down in front of them.

“Those,” the Doctor pointed with her fork to a little green berry on Yaz’s waffle, “are some of the best tasting fruits in this galaxy. They’re called zlom berries, weird name but brilliant flavour. Taste sensation, I promise you, Yaz.” 

Choosing to trust the Doctor’s taste buds, a usually dangerous game, Yaz cut off a piece of her waffle and stuck a fork into a zlom berry and popped in her mouth. Safe to say she was pleasantly surprised. 

“That’s amazin’,”

“Told you!” the Doctor replied, shoving a load of waffle into her mouth. Once she swallowed, she nodded to Ryan and Graham, “How’s your burgers boys?” 

With a full mouth, Ryan simply gave her thumbs up while Graham responded for the both of them, “Great Doc, thanks for the recommendation.”

“You’re very welcome,” she smiled back, taking another bite of her own food.

After they finished eating, they headed toward the antiques section, the Doctor wanting to see what alien relics she could find. 

As they walked along, the Doctor pointed out and rambled about anything she recognised, explaining it to Yaz with an excitable passion. Strolling deeper into the now busy market, Yaz had to stop herself from jolting when the back of her hand brushed against the Doctor’s, and the way the other woman’s voice faltered halfway through an explanation proved Yaz wasn’t the only one affected by the sudden touch. 

Experimentally, Yaz let it happen again, listening as the Doctor faltered for a second time, completely losing track of what she was saying. Heart pounding, Yaz clasped her pinkie finger around the Doctor’s own as they continued walking. Her bravery didn’t go as far as gauging the Doctor’s reaction, though she calmed slightly when the Doctor’s finger wrapped lightly around her own. 

They made their way through the market in a comfortable silence, and after a short while Yaz finally turned her head to look the Doctor’s way. Feeling eyes on her, the Doctor turned her own head to catch Yaz’s gaze, her eyes sparkling and smile bashful, until they were interrupted by the clearing of a throat. 

Both women sprung apart as they turned to face the boys, cheeks flushed as both Ryan and Graham smirked knowingly, “Me and Ryan are gonna head to the technology market if that’s alright with you, Doc?” 

“Yeah, I wanna look at all the stuff they’ve got.”

“No problem! Just meet back at the TARDIS later? And Ryan,  _ don’t  _ touch anything that looks even remotely dangerous, ok?”

Sticking his hands in the air innocently, Ryan promised to be careful and the two men dipped through the throngs of people toward the next market along. 

Once out of sight, the Doctor turned back to Yaz, hand outstretched, “I know where we can go next. Shall we?” 

Reaching out, Yaz took the Doctor’s hand and linked their fingers together, letting the Doctor pull her through the busy street. After slipping between a couple of stalls and heading down a small path, the two women came out into a field full of flowers. People were dotted all through the field, couples and families and people simply sat by themselves enjoying their own company. 

The flowers bloomed in a multitude of colours and shapes and sizes, nothing like Yaz had ever seen. It was like they’d stepped onto another world, the peaceful field a complete contrast to the hustle and bustle of the marketplace. Even the sound of busy stalls seemed to dissipate as soon as they stepped foot onto plush pale blue grass. 

“Come on,” the Doctor spoke quietly, as though she didn’t want to disrupt the calm atmosphere surrounding the field. Giving their intertwined hands a gentle tug, the Doctor then guided them in the direction of a secluded little area that was a good distance away from anyone else.

Settling down next to each other on a patch of soft grass, Yaz’s hand fell away from the Doctor’s as she sat, crossing her legs and anxiously pulling the grass out of the ground. They’d not been alone around each other much, not somewhere so quiet, not somewhere where Ryan and Graham weren’t near. The Doctor’s legs were stretched out in front of her, hands pressed into the ground behind her and holding her up as her gaze fell to the sky. 

“How you finding it, Yaz?” the Doctor finally asked, eyes still focused upwards.

“Good.” she responded, though in all honesty, Yaz wasn’t quite sure how she was feeling about it all, but one thing she did know was that she finally felt safe again at the Doctor’s side. 

The very woman shifted next to her then, moving to cross her own legs as her hands fell to her lap and her eyes met Yaz’s. “Do you think you’ll come on more trips?” The tinge of hope in her voice melted Yaz’s insides, and it was all too easy to put the Doctor out of her misery.

“Yeah, I will.” 

“Brilliant.” she grinned in reply.

Silence fell over them for a while, and it was strange to see the Doctor so quiet. Yaz put it down to contentment. 

The Doctor was looking ahead at the glistening green sea when she spoke again, “I’ve missed this.”

“As in travelling?”

“As in travelling with you.” the Doctor’s words were heavy with a lingering sadness when she found Yaz’s gaze again.

“Doctor _—_ ”

“I missed you so much, Yaz. I really thought _—_ God I really thought I’d lost you for good. And I wouldn’t have blamed you if I did.” she huffed, her own hands now picking at the grass nervously. “I can’t tell you what your forgiveness means, Yaz.”

“I missed you too, Doctor.” Yaz responded quietly, tentative to admit such meaningful words. 

“You did?”

Yaz huffed a laugh, “‘Course I did. How could I not? How could I not miss you, and this?” she said, gesturing to the landscape before them. “Do you know how weird it is to hate and miss someone at the same time?” 

The Doctor’s eyes swirled wistfully for a moment before she responded, “Yes. It hurts.”

“So much.” Yaz agreed. 

After a moment, Yaz reached out, clasping one of the Doctor’s hands in her own and slotting their fingers together, “Thank you, by the way, Doctor.”

Through her surprise, the Doctor squeezed her hand gently and frowned, “What for?”

“Waiting for me.”

“Always.” the Doctor replied with no hesitation. 

The two women held each other’s gaze for a short time, and Yaz watched as the Doctor’s eyes fell briefly to her lips, lingering a little too long to hide it. 

Yaz already knew what she wanted, knew why she had missed the Doctor so much, it was because her feelings from nearly six years ago, deep down, hadn’t changed. If anything, they burned stronger than before, through so much waiting, so much anticipation, they had built up to blaze brighter than ever. She could see the same thing in the Doctor. 

“Kiss me.”

The Doctor let out a gasp, eyes widening, “What?”

“Kiss me, Doctor. Please.”

“Are you _—_ Yaz are you sure? Because there’s nothing I’d want to do more but––”

“I’ve never been more sure, Doctor. Kiss me, please.”

Throat bobbing, the Doctor nodded, shifting her body to face Yaz, free hand cupping the back of her neck as she pulled her close, noses bumping timidly. The Doctor’s breath was shaky against Yaz’s lips, and when she finally closed the gap it felt like coming home. Their lips joined with the lightest pressure, Yaz’s hands clasping the Doctor’s coat to ground her in the moment. The Doctor’s lips were as soft as Yaz remembered, and she tasted sweet like the berries they’d eaten earlier. It left her mind floating and heart slamming against her rib cage right up until the Doctor pulled away, her breath ghosting over Yaz’s lips. 

Both women laughed gently against each other as the Doctor cupped Yaz’s face, thumb brushing over Yaz’s cheekbone affectionately. 

“I’ve wanted to do that for so long.” the Doctor admitted, her eyes glassy. 

“Do it again?” Yaz asked, and this time, the Doctor didn’t need telling twice as she leaned in and captured Yaz’s lips in a searing kiss, this one braver than the last. The second kiss was full of warmth and love and promises of so much more, of a future travelling the stars together as their mouths moved more confidently against each other until Yaz pulled away, breathless. 

A stray tear slid down the Doctor’s cheek that Yaz gently swiped away with her finger, moving her lips to the side to press a kiss to the track mark left in its wake. 

“I don’t deserve you, Yasmin Khan.”

Slowly unravelling herself from the Doctor, Yaz stood, offering the Doctor her hand. “Come on, let’s go find the boys.”

Taking her hand, the Doctor rose from the ground and lifted their hands to her lips, pressing a kiss to Yaz’s knuckles with a shy smile as they walked along.

Before they left the field however, the Doctor stopped them both, plucking a yellow flower from the ground that was reminiscent of the ones from the Punjab. She carefully placed it behind Yaz’s ear, fingers tracing her jaw as she pulled back. 

“Beautiful.” the Doctor smiled earnestly.

Yaz flushed, the heat scorching her cheeks as they weaved their way back through the market and back to the TARDIS. The boys stood outside, Ryan with a small bandage covering his hand. Though their gazes were far more focused on the interlocked hands of Yaz and the Doctor. 

“What did you do?” the Doctor called out.

“Touched something he shouldn’t have.” Graham chided, glaring at his grandson.

“What did I tell you Ryan!”

“I didn’t know it were gonna slice my hand!”

The Doctor just sighed, unlocking the doors of the TARDIS and insisting Yaz go first. The gesture alone meant everything to Yaz. Ryan and Graham followed her inside next, the Doctor last, letting the doors fall shut behind her. Making her way up the steps, the Doctor came to a stop beside Yaz, hand falling to rest gently on the small of her back.

“You two sorted yourselves out then?” Graham assumed with a raised brow. 

“Yeah,” the Doctor smiled softly, fixing the flower behind Yaz’s ear.

“I’m glad.” he nodded in return.

“Where to next, then?” Ryan asked, leaning against the console on his good hand.

“Home for you lot first. One trip at a time for now.” the Doctor remarked, glancing affectionately at Yaz.

“And after home?” Yaz smiled with an excitable glint in her eye, one that the Doctor returned. 

“Everywhere.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> they softé


	19. I'm in love with how your soul's a mix of chaos and art

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is it!!! congrats if you made it to the end!!!
> 
> honestly big big massive thank yous to every who read, left kudos, commented you are all wonderful and kept me going with your support. 
> 
> this fic has meant a lot to me as my first big multi chapter AND with it being such a yaz-centric story so i'm actually really sad to be posting its final chapter.
> 
> finally i just wanna say the BIGGEST of thank yous to my wonderful and amazing beta @timelxrd <3 if it wasnt for her this fic wouldn't exist because us brainstorming together is how this fic got its plot so thank u amy ily <3333
> 
> also this chapter is smutty!!!! 
> 
> anyways, here we go, final chapter, pls enjoy <3

It all happened in slow motion.

Yaz’s sharp eye caught the glint of metal as it was pulled out the back of his trousers. The man’s eyes were focused on one person ahead of him, one person around the corner that Yaz couldn’t see but knew was there. Dropping what she was doing, what the Doctor had asked her to do, Yaz’s legs moved on autopilot, adrenaline sparking in her veins and sending her heart slamming against her ribs as she charged down the corridor. 

It felt like everything around her had gone silent, the only thing she could hear was her pulse in her ears and her feet slamming against the cool metal grating as her muscles threw her forward step by fateful step. 

Yaz watched as the gun came into full view, lined up with it’s target as a second hand came up to steady it, finger hovering over the trigger. The man’s gaze focused, his weapon lined up, and just as he was about to shoot Yaz shouted. What she shouted she wasn’t sure. Whether it was at the man to stop or for the Doctor to move she’ll never know. 

It was enough to distract him. Enough time for him to glance to the side and see Yaz less than a metre from him as his face switched from calm to panic in a millisecond. Yaz didn’t slow down, arms stretching out as the man turned back and still tried to take his shot. 

Yaz’s arms clamped around his torso. The gun went off.

They slammed into the ground, the man grunting as his head smacked against the floor and he lost his grip on the gun as it clattered along the ground. Yaz had no idea if the Doctor had taken the bullet or not. She had to trust she was ok because all Yaz could see was red as her fury came down on the man in the form of her fist connecting with his face, his nose crunching underneath the power behind her now bloody knuckles.

Her fist came down a second time against his brow bone, and then a third with a crack against his jaw. Lifting her arm a fourth time, her fist was about to come down again when she was yanked away from him, strong hands gripping her upper arms as they fell to the ground. 

The man rolled onto his side in a pained daze as Yaz tried to scramble back to him, but the sound of a voice in her ear calmed her instantly. 

“Yaz, stop.” It was the Doctor, her arms moving to wrap around her waist from where she sat behind her. “Stop.” 

Yaz’s breathing was erratic as she calmed herself down, the red lifting from in front of her eyes as she slumped back against the Doctor, a lump forming in her throat as her actions hit her like a tonne of bricks. 

“Sorry,” she uttered, bottom lip trembling, “I’m sorry Doctor but he was gonna _—_ I thought he’d _—_ ”

“I know, I know. It’s ok, Yaz,” the Doctor assured, pressing a kiss into her hair. They sat in heavy silence for a long moment before the Doctor spoke up again, “Come on, up you get, let’s finish what we came here to do, yeah? Then we can talk about it.”

Yaz nodded hastily, taking the Doctor’s hand when she stood, leaning into the touch of the other woman when she brushed a stray hair out her face. “Okay.”

“Good. Now let’s get a shift on.”

They quickly finished their work in silence, stabilising the ship as its occupants took the man away. Yaz's gaze continually fell back to the Doctor while they worked. She knew the Doctor would be able to feel her gaze, which she knew meant the Doctor was ignoring her. Anxiety brewed in Yaz’s chest, dark and murky like a rainstorm clattering down in the form of sharp, shallow breaths. She had to pray the Doctor wasn’t mad at her, she wasn’t sure she could take it.

Once the ship was stable and its inhabitants safe, they headed back down the winding hallways to the TARDIS. Every step they took Yaz could feel her heart rate spike, right up until she felt the familiar warmth of the Doctor’s hand clasping her own. Yaz glanced in the Doctor’s direction to find a reassuring smile on her lips and relief washed over Yaz in a gentle wave. 

The TARDIS was warm and inviting when they slipped past the doors, the Doctor carefully relinquishing her hold to pilot them away into the time vortex. The silence still lingered as the Doctor stared down at the controls. Yaz slowly made her way up the steps until she paused next to the Doctor, the time rotor the only thing moving in the expanse of the console room. 

When the silence became unbearable, Yaz finally spoke, “Doctor I’m sorry, I know you don’t like violence but I just _—_ ”

“Yaz,” the Doctor cut her off, “I don’t want you apologise because you have nothing to be sorry for.” 

“But–”

“No buts, you saved my life. Granted a little unconventional but I know sometimes that anger I left in you is–”

“I just wanted to protect you. I just saw red. I know I shouldn’t have attacked him like that but I couldn’t bear the thought of you getting hurt because I–” Yaz caught the words in her throat just in time, eyes wide as her heart skipped a beat in her chest. 

The Doctor’s eyes were a mirror of Yaz’s own, mouth parted slightly as their gazes bore into one another. Licking dry lips and swallowing hard, the Time Lord took a tentative step forward and clasped Yaz’s hand feather light with a careful stroke of her thumb over broken knuckles. Bringing the damaged hand to her lips, the Doctor pressed a light kiss to red grazes before finding Yaz’s eyes again, “Let’s clean these up, eh?”

Struggling to form words, worried she may finish her sentence if she opened her mouth, Yaz simply nodded, following the Doctor to the med bay.

Once set down on a bed, the Doctor pulled antiseptic and bandage from a drawer, first cleaning Yaz’s knuckles before carefully wrapping them with crisp white gauze and taping the end down. Pressing another kiss, this time to the fabric, the Doctor offered a soft smile, eyes crinkling at the corners.

It was that simple smile that made Yaz less afraid. It was comforting, familiar _—_ safe. Yaz knew she would always be safe with the Doctor now, because she trusted her, because she:

“I love you.” Yaz admitted to the room _—_ to the only other woman stood in it.

The Doctor’s smile grew then, her eyes glazing over, shimmering in the harsh light of the room as she replied with an ease that confirmed Yaz had made the right choice in telling her. 

“Yasmin Khan, I love you too. Have for a long time. Just wanted you to say it first.”

Yaz let out a watery laugh, relief loosening the tension in her shoulders as the Doctor cupped her face and whispered against her lips, “I always will,” and Yaz believed her. 

Her belief ingrained itself into her whole being when their lips connected, the Doctor’s mouth soft and warm against her own. When they pulled back Yaz knew then, there was only one thing she wanted, “Show me.”

“Huh?”

“Show me, Doctor. Just how much.” 

A clear statement wasn’t needed, both women in joint understanding as Yaz slipped off the bed and they headed out the med bay and down the corridor, hands intertwined.

When the bedroom door shut behind them, the Doctor didn’t speak a word as she slipped Yaz’s jacket from her shoulders, the worn leather clunking hard against the ground, filling the silence of the room as the Doctor’s hands cupped Yaz’s neck and drew her in. Their lips pressed together softly, the Doctor’s daring tongue swiping across Yaz’s lower lip as she opened her mouth willingly to deepen the kiss. 

Slowly pulling away, the Doctor ran her hands down Yaz’s arms, “Lie down.” she nodded toward the bed, draping her own coat over a chair at her desk and slipping off her boots as she watched Yaz do the same. 

In her chest, Yaz’s heart pounded, nerves and excitement moulding together to buzz through her body and pour through her veins, only increasing when the Doctor’s gentle hand pushed her by the shoulder to fall back into the mattress, holding her weight over her expertly as she leaned down to connect their lips once more. 

It didn’t take long for the Doctor’s tender lips to trace along her jaw, slowly moving to mark a path down her neck as callus fingertips slipped under Yaz’s shirt, her stomach muscles jumping at the foreign intimacy of the touch. As the Doctor’s touch ran higher along with her shirt, Yaz’s insecurity did the same, her hands jumping to pause the Doctor’s in their ascent to her chest. Lifting herself from painting Yaz’s neck with kisses, the Doctor eyed her with concern. 

“Yaz, what’s wrong? Do you want to stop?”

Yaz shook her head frantically. “No! No, I just _—_ my body isn’t what it was before… you know. It’s _—_ ugly now.” Yaz shamefully admitted, struggling to meet the Doctor’s intense gaze. When she finally looked up, she was met with complete and utter disbelief. 

“Yasmin Khan, how could you  _ ever  _ think that?” the Doctor’s voice was full of dejection, enough to send a jolt of surprise to Yaz’s heart. 

The Doctor sat back on her haunches, straddling Yaz’s hips as Yaz followed the blonde upwards, resting on her elbows, “My body is covered in scars now, Doctor. It’s not pretty. Can’t imagine anyone would love that.”

“I do.” the Doctor replied instantly.

Yaz huffed in return, “You haven’t even seen them yet.”

“Doesn’t matter. I love every inch of you, Yasmin Khan, no matter what. Please let me show you that.” There’s a brief pause of contemplation before the Doctor continues with her reassurance, “You don’t have to take anything off if you don’t want to, Yaz. I would never make you do something you’re not comfortable with.”

The Doctor’s careful consideration had Yaz softening under her as the other woman added to the continuous proof she would wait lifetime upon lifetime for Yaz. She’d asked for the Doctor to show her, and there was nothing Yaz wanted more. The Doctor loved her, every part of her, and she believed it. Maybe she needed to learn to love herself a little more, and that would come in time, especially with the Doctor’s unending affection, but just for now, she wanted the Doctor to show her just how much she loved her. 

Sitting herself up properly, stomach muscles flexing with the use of her core strength, Yaz gathered the fabric of her shirt in her palms and with deep intake of breath, tugged it over her head. The Doctor’s gaze never left her face, waiting as always for Yaz to make the first move, waiting for the go ahead that it was okay for her eyes to wander. 

“You can look.” 

The Doctor’s gaze fell to her torso, tracing patterns with her eyes as they flicked from scar to scar like a dot to dot on Yaz’s body. The impulse to cover herself was hard to fight, but she managed, fists crumpling the sheets at her sides until she relaxed at the touch of the Doctor’s palms resting over them, fingers knotting between her own to release her tense hold on the sheets. The Doctor waited until Yaz met her gaze before she spoke.

“You’re gorgeous, Yaz. Absolutely gorgeous I can promise you that. Now, lean back and let me show you just how much I mean it.”

Swallowing hard at the Doctor’s earnestness, Yaz fell back against the sheets, watching intently as the Doctor started at her shoulder, three fingertips tracing the three claw marks that the beast of Thibiea-7 had left her with. Her lips followed her fingers, pressing gentle kisses to the damaged skin before next moving to bite mark on her arms and placing a kiss against every scar each jagged tooth had left. The Doctor moved to her chest then, hands slipping behind her back to find the clasp of her bra, pausing before unfastening to wait for Yaz’s consent. Once she nodded, she arched her back to help with its removal, the warm air of the Doctor’s breaths ghosting over her chest as she continued her loving task. 

Yaz’s vision blurred as she watched the Doctor work, a lump forming in her throat as the Doctor’s lips tended to each and every scar, continuing her journey down her legs as she unbuttoned Yaz’s jeans, slowly slipping them off as her lips trailed along her thighs, finishing at her shin bone where the final scar remained. Crawling back up Yaz’s body, the Doctor pressed a kiss to the corner of Yaz’s smiling lips as her thumb wiped away a stray tear she didn’t realise had fallen. “Does that prove it to you?”

Yaz huffed a laugh as she nodded her head, curling a hand around the back of the Doctor’s neck and bringing her in, “Yes,” she muttered against her lips, “It does.” 

When the Doctor pulled back from the kiss, her gaze flickered over Yaz’s face and she frowned. 

“What?”

“I missed one,” the Doctor realised, dipping down to press a kiss to Yaz’s brow bone, giving attention to the small scar that slit through her brow.

Brushing her lips against Yaz’s and running a thumb over her cheekbone, the Doctor ran her free hand up Yaz’s side to palm her breast, index finger brushing over a dusky nipple. Yaz gasped into the Doctor’s mouth, arching into her touch as she lightly pinched a nipple between her thumb and forefinger. 

When the Doctor’s lips left Yaz’s mouth, a thin string of saliva between them, they soon enveloped her nipple, tongue swathing over a pebbled bud while a hand smoothed down her body to rest gently over her hip, her thumb running smooth circles over the jutting bone and prickling goosebumps over Yaz’s skin.

Pausing her ministrations briefly, the Doctor waited until she caught Yaz’s heady gaze, “You ok with this?” she checked in, and it only fueled the fire burning in Yaz’s gut. 

“More than ok, keep going, please.” she breathed, letting out a slight whimper at the Doctor’s resolute smirk before her lips found Yaz’s chest once more. 

Slowly, teasingly, the hand on Yaz’s hip ventured lower, slipping between her legs to brush up her inner thigh before grazing feather light over the damp fabric of her underwear. Yaz tensed at her own sensitivity, gasping at the Doctor’s touch. 

“Okay?” the Doctor asked again.

“Yes,” Yaz nodded, “I need you.” 

Yaz watched the Doctor’s face soften at the admission as she sat up, still palming at Yaz’s breast while her fingers ran more fully over Yaz’s core.

“God,” Yaz whined, hips lifting off the bed. 

The Doctor used the opportunity to tug lightly at Yaz’s underwear, waiting for an assured nod before removing them entirely. 

Now completely bare to the Doctor, the blonde sat back, gaze raking over Yaz’s built form, hands running lightly over toned abs and finally resting back at Yaz’s hips. “You really are beautiful, you know that, Yaz?” 

“Doctor,” Yaz flushed, eyes darting in disbelief across her own body until a finger catching her chin forced her gaze upwards to meet the burning desire in the Doctor’s eyes.

“Yaz, you are. Please believe me.” the Doctor insisted, leaning down to place a kiss on Yaz’s parted lips before kissing her way back down Yaz’s body. Her hands were everywhere, and Yaz’s skin felt like it was on fire with the Doctor as she writhed in sheets in need of more, sighing in relief when the Doctor settled herself in the valley between Yaz’s legs. 

The Doctor’s hands ran up and down Yaz’s thighs before curling around them and gently tugging her closer. Yaz could feel the Doctor’s hot breath against her, and it was then that it hit her just how exposed she was as she let out a quiet moan at the sight of the Doctor between her legs. 

Feeling a flush of embarrassment and insecurity, Yaz’s hands flew up to her face. When she felt nothing but a gentle squeeze at her hips, Yaz peeled one hand away to find the Doctor looking up at her with concern creasing her brow. “You sure you want this, Yaz?”

“Yeah, I do. I promise,” Yaz maintained, “I just _—_ it’s been a long time, is all.”

“You’re safe with me, Yaz.” the Doctor asserted, reaching out for one Yaz’s hands and linking their fingers together. 

“I know,” Yaz replied softly, relaxing when the Doctor shot her a loving smile. Yet the smile was soon gone, her tongue instead darting out to swipe a broad stroke through Yaz’s slick folds. 

Yaz’s head dropped back into the pillows, hand squeezing the Doctor’s to seek reassurance, “Fuck,” she moaned as a shiver ran through her body at the sensations that the flat of the Doctor’s tongue were sparking in her. 

Thighs tensing, Yaz’s free hand curled in the Doctor’s hair, hips rising and rolling into her mouth as her tongue circled Yaz’s clit lazily before moving to dip teasingly past her entrance. Yaz’s breathing picked up at the welcome intrusion, the need for more rushing straight between her legs in the form of slippery heat and the cant of hips. “Inside,” she begged, whining at the feel of the Doctor’s index finger sliding through her folds, gathering her wetness before slipping inside and brushing over sensitive walls to the knuckle with ease. 

“Oh God,” Yaz whimpered, grip tightening in the Doctor’s hair as her tongue flicked over Yaz’s swollen bud. 

The Doctor hummed against Yaz, the vibrations shooting through her core as a soft moan slipped free, dragging out as the finger inside her began to move slowly all the way out and back in again. 

Heart pounding in her chest, and the knot in her stomach twisting tighter by the second, Yaz’s hand uncurled from the Doctor hair, arm draping over her eyes when the Doctor slid a second finger inside and crooked them to graze along a particularly sensitive spot inside Yaz, making her stomach muscles clench. 

“Doctor,” Yaz moaned, hand moving against to clamp the pillow next to her, “Closer,” she breathed. The Doctor lifted her head to reveal her damp chin, the sight setting a furnace off inside Yaz and blowing out her pupils. 

“Hm?” 

“I need you close.” 

“Oh,” the Doctor uttered, happily complying as she rose up, wiping her chin on the back of her hand. Holding herself over Yaz with one arm, the other stayed low, hand dipping back into the searing heat between Yaz’s legs as one lifted to rest lightly over the Doctor’s lithe hips. 

Leaning down, the Doctor asked, “Better?” Against Yaz’s lips. 

“Much, yeah.” Yaz responded, wrapping her arms around the Doctor’s neck and closing the tempting gap between them, her tongue sliding into the Doctor’s mouth as the Doctor’s fingers slipped back into Yaz’s burning core, thrusting slowly, making sure to be gentle. 

The Doctor’s weight pressing against her was comforting and grounding, her lips soft and warm as her fingers pressed deep inside her. The taste of herself lingered on the Doctor’s tongue as she kissed her, pulling away only for air as they panted heavily against each other while the Doctor’s thrusts increased momentum and Yaz’s thighs started to tremble. The Doctor lips ghosted along her jaw and down her neck, nipping lightly as hot breath tickled sensitive flesh.

“Close,” Yaz moaned into the Doctor’s ear, eyes fluttering shut when the Doctor’s thumb pressed lightly against her clit, giving just the right amount of pressure Yaz needed for the knot that had been building inside her to snap free. 

She moaned the Doctor’s name as she came, hips keening off the bed and into the Doctor’s touch, grinding into the friction she needed to draw out her climax. Her whole body tensed as the Doctor’s fingers continued to thrust into her, only slowing when Yaz slumped back down into the mattress, chest heaving against the Doctor’s still clothed body.

Slowly pulling out, the Doctor wiped her fingers against the sheets before cupping Yaz’s face and bringing her up into one of the softest kisses Yaz had ever experienced. Kiss swollen lips were delicate against her own as the Doctor’s fingers ran through the fine hairs at the back of her neck, tickling lightly with her fingertips. With the other hand that remained cupping Yaz’s jaw, the Doctor’s thumb ran gently over her cheekbone as she allowed the kiss to linger, pouring every emotion possible past her lips to Yaz’s own.

“I love you, Yasmin Khan. So much. Did that prove it?” the Doctor stated when she regrettably pulled away.

Yaz chuckled as she rested her forehead against the Doctor’s, “I love you too, Doctor. You more than proved it.”

Yaz’s hands found the clip of the trousers after a moment, only pausing when the Doctor’s hand came to rest atop her own. “This was about you, Yaz. You and your body, ok. You can look after me another time.” 

“But–”

“Come on,” the Doctor slid off Yaz’s lap and pulled back the covers, “cuddle me.” she said as she lifted her arm to offer her warmth to Yaz who, feeling the exhaustion of their activities kick in, couldn’t resist such an inviting sight. Rolling over to mould herself around the Doctor’s form, Yaz nuzzled herself into the Doctor’s neck, humming as deceptively strong arms wrapped around her waist, fingertips scratching lightly over her spine.

“Sweet dreams, Yaz.”

“You too, Doctor. I love you.” 

Yaz was already drifting off in the comfort of the Doctor’s arms before she got a chance to hear the Doctor’s confession in return. Instead, the resounding  _ I love you _ echoed into the chambers of her mind and morphed in the sweetest dream she could remember. 

Though no matter how sweet, it would never compare to her new reality. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading ❤️

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading!!
> 
> kudos and comments are greatly appreciated! <3


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